SIL Teaching criticism

[Teachingquestion]

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

If school doesn’t work for her children, she’s going to be critical of schools, because her experience is that they aren’t meeting the needs of her children.

You're a teacher, so you’re going to defend your profession. You know how hard (most) teachers work and you know how easy it is for teaching and schools to be criticised.

I don’t think you’ll change her mind because she is thinking of her own circumstances and not your profession.

To keep your sanity, just smile and nod and try to avoid discussion about school. Or go somewhere and shout loudly into the void!

I wouldn't broach it because she won't change. She has a very negative opinion about education and that's not going to change. Avoid talking to her about work completely. If she asks, be very vague, "work stuff" and leave it at that.
The other option is, when she criticises some aspect, you could say, quietly, "that's part of my job. I like doing it." However, I suspect she'll continue to badmouth education.

I don't envy you op. It's obviously easier for her to focus on school being the reason for any issues rather than the possibility that she/ her kids have a role.

I feel for you OP.

I have a job that my think it's perfectly fine to slag off constantly. I don't know how to handle it either - but it sucks when people who are on the other side of things think that they can criticise the job you do and that it doesn't count as criticising you personally. It's really rude but she's not going to realise that. If I were you, I'd point-blank refuse to engage on the topic of school. If she wants advice, don't engage. If she wants to complain, don't engage.

To be fair a blanket “no negative points” is unfair to those who have struggles because sometimes these things happen. It’s also a bit daft because if a child gets one negative point in week one then where the motivation to not get more? (And I say that as someone who works in a school!)

It's not a perfect system but in our school it's a necessary starting point

I really do love her dearly. And I can also see that school doesn't work for some children and I know that the support for those children has dwindled significantly.
I think what hurts is that she NEVER connects that I am one of the "fucking idiots" she's talking about.

Also this is just one example, she'll criticise everything all the time.
And lots of it is down to the ND of her children. Taking things literally etc

Have you thought about listening to her criticism and seeing if they can be taken into account to help those pupils who do struggle? The fact you think a blanket policy like that is necessary means perhaps some consideration of the other views may help you as a practitioner?

Your job is nothing to do with her though.

She's entitled to think it's all stupid and you're entitled to think it's not 🤷‍♂️

Just stay off the subject of schools.

You can either try and explain it nicely and sympathetically from your/an educator’s point of view or you need to stop taking things so personally. Her rage is , rightly or wrongly, against the system.

Have you ever tried broaching it, even slightly?
”teachers are so stupid”
”I’m a teacher”

Her reaction to that tells you whether it’s worth pursuing.

As some posters have already hinted at, you may have to accept that she DOES group you in with ‘fucking teachers’ and thinks policies like ‘single demerit = no disco’ are shit. Will this destroy your relationship? It could be better to say nothing.

I have no power over stuff like that
As a SEND teacher previously I do appreciate it, bur also a mainstream school struggles to adapt adequately for every student.
This is missing thr point though, it is more about her relating to me and taking my feelings into account

Read that again though you want her to take your feelings into account but are you taking hers into account? Her feelings could actually help you improve as a practitioner if you listen to them and take them on board.

Yeah I sort of gently push back and say "hey remember I'm a teacher" and she sort of athen expects me to join in and also criticise.
I do try to stay off the subject , however as you can imagine, the family chat often includes updates on the boys so it's hard to avoid

I do take her feelings into account, I love her and my nephews.

My son has one negative point this year (ab incident very much related to his needs but also a deserved negative) he also has over 800 positive points. Too right I would be arguing a system which punished again for that negative would be wrong.

I don’t think as school staff we help if we just accept “well because” as a reason for things that aren’t fair and don’t help any child

If she is a person who is ND and has ND children, she is naturally going to point out the policies that are problematic for ND students.

If she is berating you because water is wet that is problematic. If she is pointing out that school systems are often set in ways that actively harm certain kinds of children, you should start listening instead of being defensive.

All teachers criticise the system and the way a lot of schools insist on doing things.

For you not to, it makes you sound quite defensive or not particularly honest maybe?

OP - you're not going to get helpful responses here.

The reason her criticism is misplaced is because she's prioritising her child and teachers have to balance the needs of every child. Even if you had the power to, you can't fairly do things her way because other children matter too. That's what she doesn't recognise. If some children do well in blue classrooms and others do well in red, a school would suggest purple classrooms or half red and half blue or blue/red stripes. Parents of the blue kids would complain about how stupid the school are for using red paint when blue is obviously much better - as evidenced by their experience of their child and blue. The red parents would have the exact opposite opinion. 90% of posters on here have that same viewpoint - they've seen their children and draw their experience from that.

Ultimately, it's incredibly frustrating to be called "stupid" (even as part of a class) because someone else doesn't have all the information to hand - or can't recognise that schools have to consider the benefit of all children, not just the one they think matters.

I'm not defensive with her at all , but equally after a tough week I don't want to go home and be slated.
I can't be held accountable for a system I have no control over either.
Mainstream just can't be all things to all people.
She has a very specific set of shit things that have happened. It's been awful. But I really can't do a full week's teaching with very little joy left and then have to sit and listen to that. It's hard
I'll have to redirect or take myself off for a wee

It's not really an argument about school it's more that after 35 years of knowing each other , she doesn't realise I might be hurt

Not at all. I know the system is broken! I'm not being dishonest

Thank you for getting what I'm very clumsily trying to say after a tough week

If she's saying it in a group chat, just ignore it.

Honestly, I'm sure you tell your pupils to ignore petty stuff like this?