SIL Teaching criticism

[Teachingquestion]

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

OP, let it go over your head. She obviously loves you and enjoys spending time with you. Try to look at it objectively rather than taking it personally. You know you work hard and are a good teacher. She knows that too. She’s understandably going to be defensive when it comes to school policies that would discriminate against her kids.

It's also not for you to decide how OP has come across. State how she's come across to you? Sure. But not how she's come across in general. I don't think she's come across like you've suggested at all - I honestly have no idea how you formed that opinion but you do you.

I could say how you've come across to me, but I won't. Because it's not relevant to the thread and it'd be hurtful. Perhaps model that?

Despite quoting my post, you failed to spot the word 'me' was in bold.

"State how she's come across to you? Sure."

Good, because that's exactly what I did, wasn't it?

No, it's not what you did.

You said: The way you've explained and discussed the 'situation', comes across as though you think you're someone who must be revered at all costs, because of what you choose to do for a living.

No bold. No "me".

Then maybe you are doing too good a job of defending, so no one has noticed how much it bothers you! Have you got anyone else in the family that could intervene in a non confrontational way on your behalf if you told them the issue? I'm the one in my family who will normally pick up on any discomfort, and I go out of my way to covertly steer the subject away from anyone getting a bit too opinionated/twattish.

If what you have said here is true, it does sound like you offering advice or defending teachers/schools in general etc is going to make the conversation escalate rather than fizzle out so you probably need to ignore anything she says instead and see if it makes a difference to the outcome?

Do not tell her not to talk about it as you get enough during the week like mentioned above though.. that's really rude and she obviously wants to vent with her family and should be allowed to do that, but there's nothing to stop you leaving the room or changing the subject yourself.

I think it’s probably like a pp said, your SIL probably does think it’s nothing to do with you because she loves and respects you and knows you’re not (in her head) one of the teachers she’s slagging off. My family were really shocked that I would be upset over it all and were like “but of course when we’re talking about it we don’t mean YOU, we KNOW you’re not like that at all”. It did help me for them to specifically spell that out!

It’s just hard being everybody’s “punchbag” as a pp said when your whole profession is already super stressed and exhausted and demoralised as it is.

SIL, I appreciate that you’ve had tough times with school but they really are trying their best the majority of the time. I actually find it really offensive that you slag off a whole profession, of which I am part of, with no regard to how hard I work and the dedication I apply to my role within the constraints I am given. Yes, it has not worked for your children and I understand it may be hard to see past that but the vast majority of children do thrive under my care and I would prefer it if you could remember that.

Alternatively, a massive eye roll with a huge sigh and “not this again. Schools. Moan moan moan but I don’t see you doing any better”

pick your poison!

That first one us exactly how I feel, thank you

I don’t agree with all of these. It should be equal - she gets to vent and add to the OPs mental load and the OP should just take that and take herself away? It sounds constant and repetitively boring from SiL so maybe she should reign it in?

Your sister in law doesnt have to like your profession, but she does need to show you respect as a member of the family. She needs to at least respect that you work hard at your job and are proud of it, and you also must have worked hard to get where you are. If she can’t show that respect then I’d just stop talking about your job when she’s around.

Sorry I can’t get past the you used to work in send yet think “In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour” is a good idea. You literally have to have poor behaviour as examples of adhd traits for a kid to be diagnosed with adhd

This completely depends.

A lot of schools simply do not award sanctions for behaviours that are linked to SEN - i.e. if a child with ADHD regularly shouts out in class because of his ADHD then that wouldn't be sanctioned in any way. I've known systems where any points are reviewed by SENCo, for example, and removed if they're in error for behaviours that are related to their SEN.

These 'rewards' will always always have a review and discussion.

Without knowing the actual situation and process, we can't know this is an unfair system.

I have two disabled DCs but I've also been a teacher - so I've seen both sides of the coin here.

That wasn't the one you quoted though?

You quoted the post where I very much said 'me' and I put it in bold...

Urgh mumsnet.

OP, I hear you. I'm not a teacher, but I have a kid being bullied by an ND boy who has had the hardest time in his own life. As much as I'm sympathetic, I am not going to accept him physically assaulting my son on a regular basis, so I have given the school hell. I think his teachers have an extremely hard time trying to figure this out, so they also have my sympathy. I imagine it's harder for the kid more than anyone tbh, but the fact is, that's not my primary concern.

I couldn't be a teacher. I imagine it's very hard to go home and feel attacked after dealing with stuff like that. Honestly, tough love is love. Just walk away when it starts getting to you. If you'd rather address it, just be honest with her about how you feel. Maybe a natural 'middle ground' can be formed between you both of both if you are honest with each other.

absolutely SIL should reign it in, but if she is unaware of how OP feels inside, then how is she supposed to know she is offending her by ranting about her own personal circumstances. OP's own family haven't even picked up on it either!

If OP is actively making the situation worse by jumping to defend the very system that SIL is angry with, then OP DOES need to stop doing it IMO, as it isn't helping either of them and just drags it out.. SIL isn't aiming it at OP and seems oblivious to how OP feels, but OP coming in with an opposing standpoint/defence everytime instead of just commiserating with SILs struggles just winds SIL up even more and the loop continues.

The cycle needs breaking, either with a bit of honest communication or if that is not possible, just not engaging with it, to let it naturally fizzle out then move on to something else.

Yes …. but since an adhd diagnosis is only suggested and given after these behaviours … children not yet diagnosed will be penalised by such a rule.

A teacher would not dream of punishing a child with Dyslexia because they did not do well on a spelling test - but kids with adhd who may have exec function problems and forget things / or impulsivity problems and like you suggested might shout out / or trouble sitting still and listening …. all punishable.

Thank you , some understanding 🙏

Maybe you should work on being more resilient about it…just like you suggested to the OP

Not necessarily - a school will very often been the first place to notice symptoms and will put in place measures long before there's a diagnosis, or even a referral.

Agreed . Especially if an "act as if" system is in place

I think you need to quietly let your family know how you're feeling @Teachingquestion . They might not completely get it, but they might be able to help by changing the subject a bit when she's been in full flow for a while. Yes she needs to vent, but if this subject is dominating family time every week, they might actually be glad if a reason to intervene after a little while, or to give you opportunities to escape.

I just want to give @Britneyfan a shout out for their post. I can't imagine how bad it must be being a GP at the moment. Every single person has a view, and which is often magnified by stress and worry for their own health, which means they express it with anger. It must be virtually impossible to escape being told how rubbish you are. You explained the issue very calmly and logically, but it must be really painful.

It is so hard being a parent to a child who has been failed by education and school.

My child can't attend school. School has caused so much trauma and failed to meet any of child's needs despite so many promises. We as parents have wasted so much time in meeting and trying to get support and it has had such a negative impact on my child and my health.

LA continues to dragged their heels and avoid providing an accessible education.

Meanwhile they have released another letter about the importance of attendance and how missing X number of lessons a year will negatively impact a child whole life.

It is so upsetting to read when they have done nothing to positively impact my child's lifem nothing to provide child with an education and their letter is literally saying my child is doomed.

I can not stress enough that unless you have actual first hand experience of life for families like ours you do not have a clue how difficult it is.

None of us (parents, child or siblings) have chosen this. We would all much prefer a world where school was accessible and met our child's needs.
This whole experience I recon has taken 20 years off my life due to stress. It has left my child with PTSD and our whole family has been impacted in so many ways including financially.

I alo worked as a teacher and now I see how stupid and ableist the whole system is

I completely get where she is coming from though.

I have been in tears many nights about the treatment of my son in school, who is not even 5 years old yet.

Yes, it is the system, but it is also the people in the system. Some are just awful.

You feel she is criticising you, she feels her children are being harassed and treated badly by adults. Never the twain shall meet.