Page 5 | SIL Teaching criticism

Teachingquestion · 2025-07-11T18:35:06+00:00

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject. My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also. The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid" The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well. My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:21

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:19

But you do support the policies so she could be picking up on that.

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I just tell her that the policies are common across schools and that sometimes they are not black and white

OP posts:

Rinoachicken · 11/07/2025 22:22

if She’s talking about something at her kids school, simply don’t add ‘we do that too’ - it invites a connection that isn’t there between what you do day to day (that you are proud of) and the failing her children are experiencing. It’s not helpful for you evidently as it then feels personal, when it actually isn’t.

Either just listen and don’t comment, or if you can’t do that then remove yourself.

Absolutely do not get into debates about policies - when children are being failed across the country (and they are) you will never win and only increase the misunderstandings and hurt on both sides. You will never understand what it like to be her and the struggles she and her children are facing, and she won’t ever know what it’s like to be in your position either. So just don’t go there.

JustSawJohnny · 11/07/2025 22:22

She sounds really defensive and insecure.

I'd bet she'd love nothing more than to be able to put her kids through mainstream. She's angry and upset that she can't.

Let her have her rants and just crack on. At the end of the day, you know better.

What does her opinion mean, in the grand scheme of things?

Leave her to it.

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:24

Rinoachicken · 11/07/2025 22:17

So she’s NOT directing it at you personally, she’s talking about HER CHILDREN’s experiences, which are negative.

I stand by what I said about resilience. It’s not about you at all and you need to learn how to separate what you do, from what her children are being failed and harmed by.

YABU to ask or expect her to not talk about how her children are being failed everyday by a public system and government that SHOULD AND MUST be held accountable, just because it ‘hurts your feelings’ when it’s actually nothing to do with you!

You are just allowing yourself to be upset at this point by something that is not even remotely about you, and wanting to police what she can and can’t talk about.

This is a much too harsh misrepresentation of what I've explained.
I've been and will continue to be supportive AND I am human and tired and under pressure.
It is NOT wrong of me to not want my family time to be like this with such regularity

OP posts:

brunettemic · 11/07/2025 22:26

DH is a teacher and we regularly discuss some of the idiotic things that go on at DD’s school. It’s no knock on him or his profession. I don’t see how her views impact you.

BestZebbie · 11/07/2025 22:27

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:04

I don't have endless capacity though.

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I suspect that being a mum of two ND boys who are both unable to attend school due to their ongoing trauma takes up rather a lot of capacity too? The demands on her are probably 24/7 with no exit strategy, even though yours are also extensive in both time and emotional difficulty.

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:27

Sunshineonthewater · 11/07/2025 22:20

I think she should be more understanding of your feelings because mutual understanding is important! Sounds like you are doing your share of being understanding of her dugout situation but she isn’t doing the same with you. Maybe she knows that or maybe she doesn’t. Do you think she is self-aware enough to realise that you feel criticised?

It sounds like it’s bothering you enough that you could mention it to her when it’s a good time I.e not when she is mid flow complaining and might be defensive. Then she’ll know she needs to be understanding of your feelings too.

Yes I'll definitely try this thank you. I haven't mentioned it to other family as I don't want it to be a thing and cause an issue. I'll talk directly to her but in a low stakes way

OP posts:

Rinoachicken · 11/07/2025 22:27

Which part have I misrepresented?

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:29

Rinoachicken · 11/07/2025 22:22

if She’s talking about something at her kids school, simply don’t add ‘we do that too’ - it invites a connection that isn’t there between what you do day to day (that you are proud of) and the failing her children are experiencing. It’s not helpful for you evidently as it then feels personal, when it actually isn’t.

Either just listen and don’t comment, or if you can’t do that then remove yourself.

Absolutely do not get into debates about policies - when children are being failed across the country (and they are) you will never win and only increase the misunderstandings and hurt on both sides. You will never understand what it like to be her and the struggles she and her children are facing, and she won’t ever know what it’s like to be in your position either. So just don’t go there.

Edited

Good advice thanks apart from the brackets. I'm.not proud of the policies particularly, I'm just saying they are working in my previously dangerous school (behaviour wisel

OP posts:

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:29

OP, people are intentionally trying not to understand. Stop bothering - you're not wrong.

For those who genuinely don't understand, it'd be like this:
SIL: I got an email from DS's school. They've said everyone has to remember their jumpers on Tuesday because there's school photos. I've not had any warning about this and DS doesn't like wearing jumpers. The uniform policy says a jumper or a blazer and they've just sprung this on me now with only a couple of day's notice. This is so inconsiderate.
OP: I'm sure they can make an exception for DS because he has his EHCP and they know he doesn't wear jumpers. I'm sure if you email then they'll confirm it's fine - in my experience it's always been fine.
SIL: It's so unreasonable. The school always do this. They sent out emails that they know will stress me out and just expect me to put up with it. If it doesn't apply to DS then why did the idiots send it to me? Now I'm the one having to email and find out. They're so inconsiderate of my time and energy.
OP: They've probably just sent the email to all parents.
SIL: Well, they shouldn't. If teachers are too lazy to filter the email for the children who actually need that email then why should I be the one putting the effort in?! Honestly, every day they do things that are so rude and inconsiderate. And why have they insisted on jumpers instead of blazers? DS likes his blazer and wears it fine so it makes no sense to insist the jumpers are worn for the photo when everyone can wear the blazer.
OP: Perhaps other students have an issue with the blazer - or can't afford one?

OP has, as a class, been called lazy, rude and inconsiderate in this rant. The problem isn't that the school have horrifically upset or mistreated SIL's DS, they just haven't revolved everything around him.

And now I'll get accused of "just making things up" while people are asking OP again and again and again to explain how these conversations would go... Can't win.

Sharptonguedwoman · 11/07/2025 22:31

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 20:23

OP - you're not going to get helpful responses here.

The reason her criticism is misplaced is because she's prioritising her child and teachers have to balance the needs of every child. Even if you had the power to, you can't fairly do things her way because other children matter too. That's what she doesn't recognise. If some children do well in blue classrooms and others do well in red, a school would suggest purple classrooms or half red and half blue or blue/red stripes. Parents of the blue kids would complain about how stupid the school are for using red paint when blue is obviously much better - as evidenced by their experience of their child and blue. The red parents would have the exact opposite opinion. 90% of posters on here have that same viewpoint - they've seen their children and draw their experience from that.

Ultimately, it's incredibly frustrating to be called "stupid" (even as part of a class) because someone else doesn't have all the information to hand - or can't recognise that schools have to consider the benefit of all children, not just the one they think matters.

Can I just say thank you for this comment. I feel for OP, she's doing the best she can and to read some of the comments in this thread must be hard.

TinyTempest · 11/07/2025 22:31

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 21:39

Everyone is entitled to have a moan but to be the person who has to sit there every week is uncomfortable and wearing

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But that's my whole point.

You don't have to sit there every week and listen to it.

There'll be plenty of other things you can do, including leaving the room, changing the subject or just good old grey rocking.

If you were a cleaner and she moaned about the cleaners and the state of the toilets in the local supermarket, would you take that personally too?

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:31

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:29

OP, people are intentionally trying not to understand. Stop bothering - you're not wrong.

For those who genuinely don't understand, it'd be like this:
SIL: I got an email from DS's school. They've said everyone has to remember their jumpers on Tuesday because there's school photos. I've not had any warning about this and DS doesn't like wearing jumpers. The uniform policy says a jumper or a blazer and they've just sprung this on me now with only a couple of day's notice. This is so inconsiderate.
OP: I'm sure they can make an exception for DS because he has his EHCP and they know he doesn't wear jumpers. I'm sure if you email then they'll confirm it's fine - in my experience it's always been fine.
SIL: It's so unreasonable. The school always do this. They sent out emails that they know will stress me out and just expect me to put up with it. If it doesn't apply to DS then why did the idiots send it to me? Now I'm the one having to email and find out. They're so inconsiderate of my time and energy.
OP: They've probably just sent the email to all parents.
SIL: Well, they shouldn't. If teachers are too lazy to filter the email for the children who actually need that email then why should I be the one putting the effort in?! Honestly, every day they do things that are so rude and inconsiderate. And why have they insisted on jumpers instead of blazers? DS likes his blazer and wears it fine so it makes no sense to insist the jumpers are worn for the photo when everyone can wear the blazer.
OP: Perhaps other students have an issue with the blazer - or can't afford one?

OP has, as a class, been called lazy, rude and inconsiderate in this rant. The problem isn't that the school have horrifically upset or mistreated SIL's DS, they just haven't revolved everything around him.

And now I'll get accused of "just making things up" while people are asking OP again and again and again to explain how these conversations would go... Can't win.

Edited

This is exactly it!!!
Especially the bit about the whole parent email stuff

OP posts:

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:33

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:29

OP, people are intentionally trying not to understand. Stop bothering - you're not wrong.

For those who genuinely don't understand, it'd be like this:
SIL: I got an email from DS's school. They've said everyone has to remember their jumpers on Tuesday because there's school photos. I've not had any warning about this and DS doesn't like wearing jumpers. The uniform policy says a jumper or a blazer and they've just sprung this on me now with only a couple of day's notice. This is so inconsiderate.
OP: I'm sure they can make an exception for DS because he has his EHCP and they know he doesn't wear jumpers. I'm sure if you email then they'll confirm it's fine - in my experience it's always been fine.
SIL: It's so unreasonable. The school always do this. They sent out emails that they know will stress me out and just expect me to put up with it. If it doesn't apply to DS then why did the idiots send it to me? Now I'm the one having to email and find out. They're so inconsiderate of my time and energy.
OP: They've probably just sent the email to all parents.
SIL: Well, they shouldn't. If teachers are too lazy to filter the email for the children who actually need that email then why should I be the one putting the effort in?! Honestly, every day they do things that are so rude and inconsiderate. And why have they insisted on jumpers instead of blazers? DS likes his blazer and wears it fine so it makes no sense to insist the jumpers are worn for the photo when everyone can wear the blazer.
OP: Perhaps other students have an issue with the blazer - or can't afford one?

OP has, as a class, been called lazy, rude and inconsiderate in this rant. The problem isn't that the school have horrifically upset or mistreated SIL's DS, they just haven't revolved everything around him.

And now I'll get accused of "just making things up" while people are asking OP again and again and again to explain how these conversations would go... Can't win.

Edited

The problem isn't that the school have horrifically upset or mistreated SIL's DS, they just haven't revolved everything around him

Are you for real?

TheignT · 11/07/2025 22:33

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 20:26

It's not really an argument about school it's more that after 35 years of knowing each other , she doesn't realise I might be hurt

Maybe she doesn't realise you/your school do the same thing. Maybe she knows you, respects you and just thinks you would do better.

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:34

TinyTempest · 11/07/2025 22:31

But that's my whole point.

You don't have to sit there every week and listen to it.

There'll be plenty of other things you can do, including leaving the room, changing the subject or just good old grey rocking.

If you were a cleaner and she moaned about the cleaners and the state of the toilets in the local supermarket, would you take that personally too?

Show quote history

Yes this is what I've said, I'll find reasons to potter off BUT also I feel hurt my SIL hasn't connected I might be feeling a bit got at

OP posts:

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:34

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:33

The problem isn't that the school have horrifically upset or mistreated SIL's DS, they just haven't revolved everything around him

Are you for real?

Show quote history

You think it's horrifically mistreating a child to send their mother a generic email asking them to bring a jumper into school?

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:35

TheignT · 11/07/2025 22:33

Maybe she doesn't realise you/your school do the same thing. Maybe she knows you, respects you and just thinks you would do better.

Show quote history

This is a good point. Thank you!

OP posts:

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 11/07/2025 22:36

Judging by the way you've handled this thread OP you are a very calm, mature and patient individual with strong self reflection and an open mind. It is hard to be criticised, especially for things that you cannot help or change but that you put so much work and effort into and see so misunderstood. I do think just taking yourself quietly away is the thing to do. She knows you, she knows it's not you and your choices and that you're supportive of her, she doesn't mean it towards you I think she's just lost her filter.

Rinoachicken · 11/07/2025 22:37

I meant you were proud of the job you do (as you should be) not specifically any particular policies which you are not involved in anyway.

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:38

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:34

You think it's horrifically mistreating a child to send their mother a generic email asking them to bring a jumper into school?

Show quote history

This is not what happened, you made this up in your head. You have no idea what has happened to OP’s nephews but it is serious enough for them to not be in school. Actively being seen to support a system and saying “it is working’ to a mother of ND kids is like poking a bear.

TinyTempest · 11/07/2025 22:38

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:34

Yes this is what I've said, I'll find reasons to potter off BUT also I feel hurt my SIL hasn't connected I might be feeling a bit got at

Show quote history

Genuinely, it's not all about you.

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:40

She KNOWS you don’t make the policies OP, she is quite entitled to trash them though. You taking it as a direct criticism of you is where you are going wrong.

Original poster

Teachingquestion · 11/07/2025 22:40

TinyTempest · 11/07/2025 22:38

Genuinely, it's not all about you.

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It's not, but in our long relationship, my feelings should also factor.

OP posts:

ConfusedSloth · 11/07/2025 22:42

thisisfrommathilda · 11/07/2025 22:38

This is not what happened, you made this up in your head. You have no idea what has happened to OP’s nephews but it is serious enough for them to not be in school. Actively being seen to support a system and saying “it is working’ to a mother of ND kids is like poking a bear.

Show quote history

I'm not going to have an argument with you.

You quoted the example I wrote, which OP has said is exactly what happens and questioned if I'm "for real" because I didn't consider that behaviour as "horrifically mistreating" a child.

You've also invented that anyone has "poked the bear". OP isn't your punchbag.