SIL Teaching criticism

[Teachingquestion]

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

But if she’s neurodivergent as you suggest, she might genuinely not realise. You probably need to point it out in really straightforward terms if you think it’s worth it. I.e ‘Sarah, I understand why you feel negatively about schools, but as a teacher myself, who works very hard, it upsets me to hear you criticise them all the time’

I agree with this , I think.most schools do this

But it isn't about you. She is letting off steam to family, not speaking to you as a professional

Thank you, good advice here

Because of the frequency and the fact that I become the figurehead for the whole system

She makes your the figurehead? She aims all her comments at your personally and holds you personally responsible for all failing in her own children’s education? In which case yes she is being unreasonable and unfair.

Or she’s talking generally, not directed at you personally - but you are allowing yourself to take it personally and get you down. That’s a you problem, if she’s not directing it at you, she is allowed to express her frustrations and distress - your feelings are not her responsibility.

Its not about YOU - its about what is happening to HER CHILDREN.

I don't have endless capacity though.

I do understand, but it's also hard

It’s criticised because it is crap! Totally unfair and crap. Where’s HER soft place to fall when you actively support a system that would exclude her children? Does she feel seen and cared about when you talk about the ridiculous rules in your school that you think are working very well for NT children?

In the words of so many these days (usually directed at ND and SEN children who are struggling in school systems that discriminate and punish them for just existing) maybe you need to work on your ‘resilience’ if you can’t hear general valid criticism of a broken system without making it all about you

This is a misrepresentation of how the evenings go.

Imagine hers....

Not fair or in keeping with how I've spoken on the thread at all.

But have you actually told her clearly that it upsets you/ hurts your feelings Sometimes? Is she actually saying all teachers are shit , or her children’s teachers are , or that the system is shit/stupid?

STOP discussing your school’s policies with her then! Why do you do that?

So don’t sit there every week.

how did she even know about the disco policy at your school unless you told her? I honestly don’t get why you wouldn’t be equally unhappy about the system but hurts the most vulnerable and disadvantaged kids but if you agree with it and know she would be upset as it would be unfair to her dc why would you tell her?

Probably not clearly enough. I can definitely work on this!
Thanks for the advice

I don't discuss school policies with her, it was an example that might come up. I am sympathetic, I listen and we all have dinner but a lot of the conversation will come back round

How would that come up though? How would she know about it if you didn’t tell her?

I totally get where you're coming from.
I work in education & several years ago a very good friend returned to the UK with her 2 European born & educated children.
She was very vocal in how awful the UK system was compared to the country where they'd be living.
I pointed out that she had got some key facts wrong and that her concerns would be better addressed by going in to talk to the school.

We've not spoken since & i miss our friendship.

So beware, speaking out might have far reaching consequences.

It might be something that happens at her school and I might say "oh yes we do that"
Could be about a disco, could be some other thing like students needing to come through attendance portal after a certain time, or staggered lunches etc. She might say it, and I may say "yeah that's the same as at our place" or something like that. I don't initiate conversations about school

So she’s NOT directing it at you personally, she’s talking about HER CHILDREN’s experiences, which are negative.

I stand by what I said about resilience. It’s not about you at all and you need to learn how to separate what you do, from what her children are being failed and harmed by.

YABU to ask or expect her to not talk about how her children are being failed everyday by a public system and government that SHOULD AND MUST be held accountable, just because it ‘hurts your feelings’ when it’s actually nothing to do with you!

You are just allowing yourself to be upset at this point by something that is not even remotely about you, and wanting to police what she can and can’t talk about.

To be honest many things in schools need to be revised and brought up to speed with recent research on child psychology and development. Punishment/ rewards can be a slippery slope - can help some children tick boxes, but completely demotivate others. From the point of view of someone who has experience with neurodivergence it is easy to criticise.

May be, share less about your job?

But you do support the policies so she could be picking up on that.

I love her and I'd never want to fall out and like I say, there is likely ND at play too. I'll definitely take the advice given by posters on here about what to say and also do my own resilience strategies by removing myself for small bits of time through the evening

I think she should be more understanding of your feelings because mutual understanding is important! Sounds like you are doing your share of being understanding of her dugout situation but she isn’t doing the same with you. Maybe she knows that or maybe she doesn’t. Do you think she is self-aware enough to realise that you feel criticised?

It sounds like it’s bothering you enough that you could mention it to her when it’s a good time I.e not when she is mid flow complaining and might be defensive. Then she’ll know she needs to be understanding of your feelings too.