SIL Teaching criticism

[Teachingquestion]

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

When you have an autistic child it can be very difficult to stay positive about school, because lots of stuff that schools do as standard hurt autistic kids.

No demerits to attend a school disco is cruel for children who are disregulated by the school environment alone, before any of the other school day stressors occur. It may be a starting point but there should be reasonable adjustments in place to offer an equal playing field, otherwise it’s just more shit that harms them.

I have said the system is broken In a pp

Yeah the disco was just one example, but there are multiple.
I know the systems aren't perfect for every kid, I just wanted to get help how to broach not having family discussions constantly criticising the thing I spend 5 days a week doing which is already quite high pressured

This is really moderate advice and understanding thank you

I was going to say the same thing. I too am a social worker and I know how hard my colleagues work in a very broken system. Not helped by often facing criticism from people with very little understanding of the profession, the complexities and constraints on what we’re able to do.

People criticise from their own viewpoint. It’s not personal and it’s not my job to represent a whole profession. There are good and bad social workers, good and bad practice and good and bad practice settings. Accepting an imperfect situation helps to make it feel less personal.

Your sisters children will be impacted by their school experience, it will impact their choices and chances in life. Her viewpoint is that they have been let down by the education system, including the teaching profession. All you can do is empathise with her and remind yourself it’s not personal.

‘Am I also one of those fucking idiots’

and she’ll either fluff an answer, realise she’s rude or get angry with a ‘well obviously not you’

The thing is, she is not angry at you, she is angry at a crap system that has let her kids down. Why on earth would you even be discussing the policy of "badly behaved" kids not being allowed go to the disco? Surely you know that is going to rile her up. It does seem like you do support the system from the way you write. If she found out about it another way, would it not be kinder to say, yes, I know that is a crap way of doing it and it's not fair on some children but my hands are tied but I do totally understand where you are coming from.

If you don't have a ND child you will never understand how utterly soul destroying it is to see your child punished time and time again for something they cannot control. I feel her anger. I understand it, maybe you should put yourself in her shoes and see how you would feel if your kid came in from school crying because "they were not good enough" to go on the trip. It's soul destroying.

She knows you don't make the rules but it does seem like you do support them.

It would probably be similar to a police officer constantly hearing their family moan about the police. It would be tough

But why would it be unless their skin is so thin they're in danger of dissolving in the shower?

The police affects everyone, therefore everyone is entitled to have a moan.

They don't need to tiptoe round anyone just because they've chosen to earn a living from it.

So why are you so upset that she’s pointed this out and is upset and angry that it’s failed and harmed her children?

I think that schools have to do things that are never perfect for everyone, but also bear in mind I have only used the disco as an example. I don't rile her up, these are just things that come up in family updates etc. As I've said many times, it's not really a out school specifics , just the frequency of it and how my feelings at the end of a long week are never even considered

Because of the frequency and the fact that I become the figurehead for the whole system

Why does the trip policy of your school come up in family updates?

Everyone is entitled to have a moan but to be the person who has to sit there every week is uncomfortable and wearing

It was just an example of something that might come up
Family updates often are mainly catch ups about the boys at the mo

Don't comment on anything she says about schooling on the family chat. Say nothing.

You can't change her.

No. You don’t even bring that up. You are more or less telling her you support a system that would banish her kids from a treat because they can’t behave like a NT child.

Know your audience.

Yeah it's in person so I think I will just excuse myself subtly for the bits where that might come up. I can probably busy myself in the kitchen or go off to the loo for a bit/say I need to do an email etc etc

I didn't bring it up, I don't bring stuff up about school, the conversation is always her catching us up on the boys and what's happened that week .

‘Betsy. Teachers like me are normal people who are doing their bloody best, with no time and no resources and no appreciation. They have no work life balance. We can’t get people to stay in the profession because we don’t get paid enough for all the shit that the managers, pupils, general public, and parents criticise us for - it’s relentless and never ending. For my mental health can my conversations / group chat with you be the one safe space where education, schooling, teaching or teachers is not mentioned negatively - I need a safe space. It is making me ill to feel constantly criticised. Most teachers have issues with their health, mental and otherwise and are burnt out. I need this safe space. Thanks

copy and paste on repeat

You have a right not to be trashed constantly about the difficult job you do

stop and no are words in your vocabulary.

put away if needed but say no and put boundaries in first

The schools I have worked in totally understand that ASD children work differently and wouldn’t give demerits ( or whatever) for the same criteria as NT children.
I’ve worked with many kids where a school disco would be their worst nightmare. Having a good week can still be important to them even without some arbitrary carrot they don’t care about. Smaller more tailored rewards work better and most schools do this I think.

How did it come up then?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears that you acknowledge that at least some of her criticisms are justified and, where they relate to policies and practices actually used in your school, your position is that it's nothing to do with you as you can't control what the policies etc are? If that's correct, I don't really understand why you take these things personally. You could simply say, for instance, "Yes, a blanket behaviour policy risks penalising children with disabilities, what are your ideas for how we should deal with this given the need to have reasonable standards of behaviour to enable all the children to learn?"

Mainstream schools do not work for ND individuals and you're wasting your energy taking this personally. I've been wrapped up in similar and see it for myself and it is excruciating as a parent, to try and navigate schools with ND children that are NOT catered for. Allowances and understanding is minimal, it seems schools work against you, not with you and it is beyond demoralising for children and parents alike. I am astounded that you feel offended with your own background, surely you have the understanding of the education system and see how these children are being let down? It isn't about YOU or your profession but the structure of it all. Just be supportive

Because even though I have no say and agree , it's still hard to have it criticised over and over again weekly. Being a teacher is quite hard and emotional, to be with your family and it just being criticised over and over again is hard. A family should be your soft place to fall, where you feel seen and cared about. It doesn't feel like that on a Friday night when I'm tired

I am supportive. Have been endlessly in fact.
I just wnat a little bit of an understanding that I also have feelings.