SIL Teaching criticism

[Teachingquestion]

I love my SIL . We grew up together. Her and my brother have 2 sons with autism. One hasn't been back to school since Covid and they can't get him out of his room really, he's nocturnal etc. Very difficult to get help for him too due to system failures. Youngest is currently in y9, attending 50% ish
I'm a teacher, previously in SEND , now in a mainstream core subject.
My SIL is struggling and as time goes on, it's clear she is autistic also.
The problem I've got is she regularly slags off everything to do with school. Even perfectly normal things are met with "well that's fucking stupid"
The problem is, I'm often involved in similar things at my school. A recent example would be the year 8 reward disco. In order to attend, students had to have had no demerits for poor behaviour, this is part of our behaviour improvement plan and has been working well.
My problem is not what she thinks , she can think whatever, and her personal circumstances mean she is more angry obviously. However she gives NO thought to how I might feel having my job picked apart and criticised all the time. It doesn't help that I'm tired and peri menopausal but it's really upsetting me. How can I broach it?

You could always start complaining to her about the ridiculous parents you have to deal with at work who don't seem to realise how under-resourced and underfunded the school system is, and expect the schools to magically be able to meet their child's complex needs, when often the parents themselves are unable to do so at home, while at the same time providing a proper education to the 29 other children in the class.

@saraclara thank you! Yeah during the pandemic it was absolutely intolerable. Everyone saying how they didn’t clap for the GPs who are all hiding under their desks etc. While we were still waiting to get surgical masks due to no availability which was really scary early in the pandemic when we didn’t know how bad COVID was going to be. My sister was in hospital with COVID at the same time and a fit and well and much-loved and kind consultant who was a former colleague at our local hospital had just died from COVID age 50ish too.

It was just a horrendous and traumatic time all round. But I know most people suffered a lot in various ways (well maybe apart from the mumsnetters who keep coming here to say they miss lockdown and furlough as they had such a lovely family time!! It was just very hard being everyone’s punchbag at such a time.

And you’re right that the majority of patients are furious at the whole system and many do take it out on us. Even though I can recognise it’s coming from a place of fear and stress and frustration, it’s hard to keep turning up for work every day just to have a long list of people yell at you mostly about stuff that’s absolutely nothing to do with you or that you have any control over!

It’s taken a long time, but in fact it has actually improved a bit in the past 6 months or so I’d say. Slightly less GP-bashing and angry patients than before!

If someone constantly complains to you about the job you do it's pretty difficult to not take it personally.

Honestly none of your posts make sense.

If you are having frequent family dinners I am going to suggest a few approaches.

first, I think the suggestion above that she doesn’t necessarily lump you in with the problem is likely. She may view you as an ally who would fight for her nephews. It’s hard to say. That was actually my first thought when I read your first post, but as someone with ASD, sometimes I misread things.

second, being explicit, but gentle, that it is hard to hear about bad teachers because it feels personal is a good idea. Just phrase it carefully.

finally, try redirecting the conversation. When she complains about a school policy, ask her what she would do differently to meet the needs of all students. She may just be ranting and have no good ideas. You may actually find that you break the complaining cycle and instead are treated to an idealistic, but very well thought out alternative approach. You don’t need to do anything with her ideas at all. I’m just thinking they might be more pleasant dinner conversation.

wanted to add, people with ASD often have huge problems with existing systems because we see the flaws so easily and also are able to visualize what an idealized world would look like. It’s not just that the world isn’t built for us, it’s that we can tell the way society does things is inefficient and ineffective. People are stuck in their ways though and changes systems is extremely difficult.

She sounds incredibly tiresome. No one should have to sit and be the sole representative for an entire profession whilst someone trauma dumps over and over again. I would bite back every single time until she learned some manners or to pick someone else to moan to.

I've been pondering and I think the PP who mentioned parent emails got it right and nailed the feeling. This is the exact sort of thing that might start a rant. I am occasionally in charge of sending out whole year group emails (just a reminder that Maths club starts again on Monday, just to let you know calculators are now available to buy at school that type of thing) SIL might mention something like this triggering son 2 as he is worried about maths, and the teachers know he can't go to maths club. She doesn't seem to get or pass on the concept to my nephews that not everything is for them, that they make the decision if its relevant.
It's the same with me, I go to a gym and have a slight physical disability which the gym know about. I still receive emails for.classes and offers that I could never participate in. I just filter them, as not for me.
This is when the criticism is hard to take, as whatever I do I'm wrong. If I don't send the email for maths club , I have parents complaining that their child never told them, if I do, I might be triggering some other students. All this while teaching 5 lessons a day!

To be clear, SIL is not complaining about my email, but about similar small things at nephews school

I understand the logic of sending whole school or whole year emails from a school perspective. And yes I can filter these out as not relevant but it still impacts to get an email or see a social media post about an activity or trip that my child can't experience..child already misses out on so much and this just highlights another thing that they don't get to enjoy it experience. One more system or policy that my child has been excluded from. A further consequence of the school system and the LA inability to make sure every child has a suitable education, a suitable provision.

So someone using strategies that only work for some children and causes damage to others and justifying this it is a kick in the teeth.
I understand your just doing a job but points / demerits based on behaviour do not work if the children with SEN are NOT having their basic needs met and reasonable adjustments put in place. This is the same as saying you can only go on the trip if you can walk up stairs and Tom can't go because he in a wheelchair but he could try harder and learn to walk. Most people manage to walk right?
This new rule of walking up steps is seen as successful as most kids did it. Tom didn't but that's only 1 child. Sarah did it she normally uses the lift due to heart condition but she was desperate for the trip so really pushed herself to use the stairs. And she did it and had a place on the trip. The staff were so happy this was proof the new rule worked.
Unfortunately Sarah was in hospital the day of the trip due to consequences of pushing herself but that doesn't even matter right

But as a pp said, most (if not all schools do make sure SEN students are not part of the demerit issue if their behaviour is connected to a diagnosis. Like I said , nothing in schools is as black and white as this thread would suggest.

But is her kids school one that does or doesn't do that. If they don't make any allowances you could suggest some schools do and maybe she could speak to the school.

I'm equating this to be what it's like for Muslims whenever there is something going on about it in the news. You become the figurehead for the faith and no matter if you do xyz, people cannot see that you are not like whoever is in the news. They can't resist having a dig.
Op the only way you'll get away from this is when you retire.

SIL might mention something like this triggering son 2 as he is worried about maths, and the teachers know he can't go to maths club.

So why are you jumping to justify it to her?? You aren't the one who sent the email so it is nothing to do with you! I don't think you have given any examples where you have been personally attacked by her, you are inadvertently being biased because of the job you do and you are jumping in to play devils advocate at every opportunity.. but you aren't going to change her mind, so why do that all the time causing friction?

You need to switch your work head off when you are not at work!

The answer to her 'mentioning' that an email is triggering her child is to ask why she would be showing it to him in the first place? You are both acting as if you are being personally attacked, her by the school, and then you by her, when neither is actually true.

Act like a SIL not a teacher.

If your first example had been the maths club email, this whole thread might have gone a bit differently. There is a difference between things that actively work against students and things that are minor annoyances.

I don’t happen to like just how much my DD’s school emphasizes sport. I don’t throw a fit every time we get an email celebrating another achievement. Neither does DD. Instead, we have developed a healthy coping mechanism of rolling our eyes at laughing together at how seriously they all take the games. (In truth, we don’t care this much, this only comes up occasionally when dd is annoyed and this is how we handle it to keep it a non-issue.)

I do, as you will see by my responses on this thread, I don't need the telling off from you

Maybe some/most do but when your child hasn't had their needs met you don't think oh well it works for most and my child doesn't matter. You feel angry because your child does matter and other children being ok doesn't make up for the damage done to your child