AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

Oh my goodly lord!

Very genuine question, OP, but are you or your colleague perhaps not from the UK originally? It's reading like you're maybe missing some cultural context in what your colleague says.

You keep referring to the "impression she gave" as a basis for her 'lie' but an "impression" is something coloured by the person receiving it as much as the person giving it.

Different ideas about modesty, bragging, good manners, making others comfortable etc. could really be clashing here.

Having said that, given your... tenacity... on this thread maybe she just really doesn't want you to know anything about her life!

I'd suggest you let it go.

is it possible she has since been to a parents evening and had a report - its the end of term already so possibly and now she ha had different input from the report and the teachers - thus found out her daughter is excelling

What do you think of as an “ordinary school” @temptemp2 ? Maybe that is what is skewing perception.

To me, my sons school was an “ordinary school”. It wasn’t a performing arts school, a Steiner or Montessori school, a faith school, or any of the things I would have thought of as worthy of comment. It was just an “ordinary school”, that we happened to pay for, and that he sat tests to get into.

I think of an ordinary school as a typical local state primary. She said her daughter was not clever enough for a grammar school and that she would go to an ordinary school.

At no point did she say her daughter was in a private school, and given the way she described her daughter’s academic ability and school situation, it definitely did not come across as fee-paying.

So when I later heard her saying her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling, it felt like a totally different story. This is not just about definitions, it is about the fact that what she said to me and what she said to someone else were completely different.

That is possible but she has described how her daughter does not want to do any homework and just wants to play games. She won't sit still so there is no point her trying to go to a grammar.

That is fine if she wants to keep things to herself, but the thing is, she has told me quite a lot about herself in the past. This was not a one off chat. We have had plenty of conversations where she has shared personal details, including about her daughter.

So it is not that she is just private across the board. It is that she gave me one version of events and then gave someone else a completely different one. Yes, maybe now she does not want me to know anything but she has told me a lot already.

So that's the answer you wanted, OP!

I don't understand how from just 'a while ago' her daughter can go from 8yrs old to 11yrs old or older? When was the first conversation?

What do you want to happen?

mt child is at a 11+ grammar, had she not got in she’d have gone to the only selective private school. She would have passed their entrance exam as it’s not as hard so maybe it’s that , private school had an easier exam.

I just don't understand why she lied.

You’ve made up a story to fill the gaps. Gave the impression is something you’ve interpreted not what she’s said.

id self reflect why it bothered me so much.

i personally would share different things with different people, especially when, like private school, not having a mortgage or flying business class could sound like bragging.

No such thing as a private grammar school.

OP you have used the phrase “private grammar school” over and over and over again. As many posters have said already, private schools are in many cases selective, but they are not grammar schools. Some have just kept the historical ‘grammar’ in their name. No eight year old can attend a grammar school.

My guess is that your manager moved her daughter to this school in Year 3 because it’s a through school and she could stay in the same school throughout and avoid taking the 11+. I genuinely don’t think she’s lying to you. It seems a shame to feel less positive about her relationship with you due to one confusing conversation.

Incidentally it would never occur to me to say that DS2 is at an ordinary school, but I suppose really he is. His school is private. However DS1 attended a special school - so in comparison I guess I could call the other school ‘ordinary’.

That is how she described it when she was talking to someone else.

That might well be the case and if she had said something along those lines, it would have made perfect sense. But she did not.

So when I later heard her say her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words) and excelling, it was not just a confusing detail. It was a completely different version of the situation.

I do not think she needed to tell me everything, but she went beyond being vague or private. She told me something that just was not true and that is what changed how I see her.

Do you think that every single child from this school would get into your DS grammar school? Is that the kind of level it is?

Where I am, kids can excel but still not do well enough in the 11plus to get into the grammar schools as they might not have every skill needed.
Why not ask her about it, it seems to still be upsetting you despite many on the thread saying they wouldn't be bothered.

In your OP you didn't say she asked you about 11+ you said she asked about SATs and you mentioned the 11+ so if you're going to change the story it's pretty pointless to engage.

Nothing about how she describes her child's school seems dishonest to me. Everything sounds as though it is true and not at all contradictory. You may define an "ordinary school" as "a typical local state primary school," but she clearly doesn't see the phrase that way. Since "ordinary school" is a bit of a woolly term without an agreed upon definition, people understandably view it from their own perspective. She may not have mentioned to you that her DD's current school is private, but maybe she didn't consider that detail relevant to your discussion. Obviously, it's up to you how you perceive her comments. But it seems as though you are determined to interpret them in the least generous, most cynical way possible.

I don’t understand your question. Private grammars are different to state grammars. They’re selective but don’t (always) start at 11. My child started at 7, and didn’t (to the best of my knowledge) sit an 11+. She also didn’t sit SATS but I know some private schools too.

If your manager’s child is already on summer holidays and you’re England based then it’s a private school. I don’t know what you think is deceptive and also don’t understand why you think any of this is any of your business though?

I used to live in an area with grammar schools but also a private school with grammar in the name, people referred to it as “the private grammar” just for clarity. Nothing of what you’ve said sounds like she’s lied, just you’ve misinterpreted what thriving means to her, what an ordinary school is for her etc it’s weird that you’ve jumped straight to she’s lying when it very much just sounds like crossed wires.

I don't think she lied. You have used either "That gave a very clear picture" or "That gave a clear impression" in almost every one of your updates. But neither if those are statements of fact, they are how you interpreted them. You cannot say she lied based on an impression.

I have a friend who described her dc as not interested in school, not particularly academic and not into studying who got all 8 's and 9 's at gcse. Obviously very bright but has not gone to university or pursued a degree apprenticeship. Her other dc didn't do as well but went on to do A levels and uni and is the 'academic one'. It's as much about the child / teens personality as it is about their attainment sometimes. School not being her thing and being naturally bright enough to excel (especially at aged 8) could both be true.

Just to add -

My daughter is at an extremely prestigious private grammar school. Starting in year 3 is equally as competitive but in a different way. They look more at the whole child and less at purely academic test scores. People only apply if their children are academic, and even then it is about 15% of those who apply actually get a place. It’s even tougher to get in at 11.

If this was a conversation you were having with me, my answers would be very similar to your manager’s.

My daughter isn’t particularly interested in academic studies. She is obviously in the top 25% ish of her age to be at the school she’s at, but I am very sure she wouldn’t have got in at 11. The kids joining at 11 are for the most part another level of intelligence. I wouldn’t have considered a state grammar if we lived in a grammar school area, because (as your colleague says) she isn’t interested in the tutoring and studying that generally is required to gain a place. She’s very ‘well rounded’ but I wouldn’t say particularly academic. If her school did SATs and I knew your child did them, I’d have asked you how you found them. None of this would change the fact that I wouldn’t be applying for a state grammar school place, don’t think it would suit her and am not sure she would get one, but that she’s still in this highly academic, extremely hard to get into, private grammar school. Because she got in at 7 and they automatically get a place all the way through in that situation.

I think you’re looking for holes in what seems to you to be a strange story, but actually it’s pretty easy to understand…

Apart from the fact that
1.there is no such thing as a private grammar school (yes, there are private schools who may use the word 'grammar' in their name, but they are private schools)
2.she isn't at a grammar school anyway because she is only 8

Suggesting she is clearly rather economical with the truth, I don't really understand why she gives a shit about SATs as private schools don't have to do them anyway!

She started off asking about SATs then moved onto 11+.