AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

I understand that people define "ordinary school" differently, and I would not have read into that alone if it were the only thing she said. But it was not. She also said her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, there is no point in getting a tutor and that she would not be doing the 11+.

It is not about me being cynical. It is about the fact that she said all of that, then told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school (her words) and is excelling. That is two completely different stories. That made me question how honest she was being with me.

I do understand the difference between private and state grammar schools, and I know that many private schools do not follow the same timelines or assessments like SATs or the 11+. That is not the issue.

The reason I found it deceptive is because my manager said her daughter is not academic, there is no point in getting a tutor, she would not be doing the 11+, and that she would be going to an ordinary school. She never mentioned anything about private education or that her daughter was already in a selective school. The way she said it gave a very clear impression that her daughter was in a regular state school and would continue on that path.

Then she told someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school and excelling. That is not just a small detail she left out. It is a completely different version of events.

As for why I care, it stuck in my mind because it felt dishonest. She started the conversation about schools not me.

It was not just an impression. It was based on what she actually said. She told me her daughter is not academic, not into studying, there is no point getting a tutor and that she is at an ordinary school. That is not vague or open to much interpretation. Those are direct statements that strongly pointed to her being in a non-selective state school with no plans for anything different.

Then she told someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling. That is not just a different vibe or impression. It is a completely different version of her daughter's situation.

So no, I am not calling her dishonest based on a feeling. I am calling it that based on the fact that what she said to me simply does not match the reality she later shared with someone else.

I have no idea why she asked me about SATs either. She said she had no idea about them and asked me to explain. She had said her daughter went to an ordinary school and they hadn't said anything about SATs. She was grateful for the advice and asked if she could talk to me about it again in the future.

Some independent grammars have a linked independent primary school. It used to be quite common for Girls Public School Trust schools to have a primary attached.

Yes, you've said all that. As many PPs (myself included) have tried to point out, all of those things can be true at the same time. Nothing she said is contradictory, nor did she tell "two completely different stories" IMO. You see things differently and obviously that's up to you. But you don't seem willing even to entertain the idea that there may have been a misunderstanding on your part, despite the many posts on this thread that suggest you may be misinterpreting her words. Why leap immediately to the ungenerous conclusion that she's lying?

I have taken in what people are saying and I do understand that different things can be true at once. But I am not just leaping to some ungenerous conclusion for no reason.

Her daughter is at a private school that does not do SATs, then why ask me detailed questions about them in the first place? She said she had no idea how they worked and asked me to explain them. She asked what she needed to do about the SATs and how concerned she was that her daughter would not do well in them. If they are not relevant to her child, that makes no sense unless she was trying to present a different picture of her situation.

She also said her daughter is not academic, would not be doing the 11+, and goes to an ordinary school. That is a very specific narrative, not just a vague comment. Then I hear her telling someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school and excelling.

That is not just a small difference in language or interpretation. It is two very different accounts.

Ok OP, you’re absolutely determined that she lied about her daughter’s school. So what?
Maybe she was trying connect with you
Maybe she is considering moving to state from private
Maybe the version she told you is the truth and she was lying to the colleague for reasons best known to herself

All you have to do is take anything she says about her personal life with a pinch of salt and don’t think of her as anything more than a work colleague.

If you can’t let it go, you could just ask her.

Your posts are lengthy and repetitive. It’d be better to accept that people don’t agree with you.

Not what you originally said. Read your own post. More proof it is pointless engaging.

O.K. I really don't understand why you seem unwilling to consider things from a different perspective. Once again, I see absolutely nothing contradictory in anything your manager has said about her child's school. It all sounds consistent and truthful. But I don't think I can explain myself any more clearly than I already have, so I won't bother to repeat myself.

You keep saying she gave the impression that...... There is a fair chance you have misinterpreted this. People have got a very different impression from what your boss has said, yet you aren't considering this. Why bother posting when people keep saying, you may have got this wrong, then you keep stating categorically that you haven't.

And she isn't trying to one up you at all. Otherwise the chat she had with you would have been all about how her daughter is excelling. Maybe don't listen to other people's conversations, and then you can avoid all this stress and analysis.

Hopefully your boss isn't on here, because if she is, she's going to think you're really weird obsessing over a few minutes of office chat.

It is possible to remember additional things about a conversation. Have you never done that?

Maybe don't listen to other people's conversations, and then you can avoid all this stress and analysis.

How do I close off my ears when it is right outside my office with the door open?

How does it sound consistent and truthful? She asked about SATs saying her daughter would not do well in them because she is not academic while her daughter is in a private school and does not have to sit them.

Even if she did lie and say her daughter was at a state primary, couldn't pass 11+ and that she won't study but you find it's the opposite I don't really understand why you would be that bothered? I'm genuinely asking because I don't think it would register to me more than a brief thinking I'd got the wrong end of the stick somewhere. Or I might think she's having issues with her daughter and didn't want to go into it with a colleague so bent the truth.

Fwiw sometimes I'm a bit vague when talking about DC schools as a lot of people have certain issues with private. I don't lie but I sometimes am a bit vague, someone mentioned SATs the other day and I didn't, for example, jump in that our primary doesn't do them.

Is that all you took from what I said? I don't think most people would have given this a second thought. You seem to be intent in proving that your boss is a lying arsehole. It doesn't appear that she is, in the main we all agree that she isn't, yet you are getting all worked up about it, so here you go....

Your boss is a massive lying arsehole!! 🙄

Now hopefully you can get some sleep tonight.

I get that not everyone would be bothered by this, and if it were just a small white lie or a vague comment, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice either. But this wasn’t that. It was a longer conversation where she asked me about SATs, said she didn’t understand them, said her daughter would not do well in them while being in a private school and not having to do the SATs. That was quite a detailed picture not just a passing comment.

I don’t care that her daughter is at a private school or how well she is doing. It bothered me because she asked me for advice, I responded openly and what she said in return was a lie.

How does it not appear that she lied?

I will sleep anyway 😂

There is nothing contradictory in this at all, and you just dont get it! It is possible to be at private school and not be academic. And it is a fact that she doesn't have to do SATs. Isn't it more likely that because her daughter doesn't have to do them that the mother might not know much about them? And therefore ask questions of someone who might know something about them?

There are now hundreds of votes and dozens and dozens of posts explaining why your manager can be telling the truth in both conversations, but you seem willfull in your refusal to accept that this is a valid explanation.

How does it not appear that she lied?

Just read all the responses you've had. Glad you'll sleep though. This thread might just ruin my night's shut eye 🤣

What stood out to me was not just that she asked about SATs, but that she said she was worried her daughter would not pass them because she does not like studying and just wants to play games. That is quite a specific concern to raise.

But her daughter is in a private school that does not even do SATs so the whole conversation was a lie. If she knew her daughter would not be sitting them, why act like she was concerned about how she would perform? That is not just asking out of curiosity, that is being untruthful.

Maybe she doesn't realise she doesn't have to do SATs. Maybe her daughter is planning on changes schools. Maybe she catastrophises about hypothetical situations where her daughter might suddenly have to do them. Maybe the school is doing mock SATs as an experience or an experiment. There are lots of possibilities that do not mean she was lying.

Does anyone else find these threads where the OP won't even consider a different viewpoint utterly infuriating? Why bother posting at all if you can't take anyone else's opinions into account. 10 pages of the OP saying the same thing over and over again.

I’ve repeated myself because I kept getting the same questions and assumptions again and again. I was just clarifying my point each time, not trying to go in circles for the sake of it. If it’s not for you, that’s fine. No one is being forced to read or reply.