AIBU to wonder my manager lied about her daughter’s school?

[temptemp2]

Not sure if I’m overthinking this or if something odd is going on.

A while ago, my manager and I were chatting about our kids. She was asking about SATs for her 8-year-old DD. I explained what I knew and also mentioned the 11+ since my DS (14) is at a grammar school and went through the process.
She said her daughter isn’t really into study so there is no point getting a tutor. She made it sound like school isn’t really her thing.

Then just the other day, I overheard her telling someone else at work that her daughter is at a private grammar school. That really threw me, especially after our earlier conversation. I did not say anything, but I felt a bit taken aback.

I get that people do not always share everything, and maybe she didn’t want to go into it before, but it felt like a lie especially after she asked me for info and gave the impression her daughter wouldn’t be doing anything like the 11+. Why say all that if her daughter is already at a private grammar?

AIBU to feel confused and like she was being a bit dishonest?

Are you quite competitive? If you are, maybe she doesn’t want to engage with it so plays it down. I do this. I hate other people competing with me.

I never tell anyone at work that I went to private school as it creates a weird reaction in some people. They seem to want to prove a point and start competing against you.

Sometimes OP people are in different moods which can mean they focus on positives and negatives. So my youngest for example has recently moved schools and he's doing really well and I would give that impression in general chit chat. However I have a friend who has a DS at his previous school, she is not overly happy with things so while I wouldn't lie I might be more likely to mention my DS hates me helping with his homework because I'm not going to brag about a school I know isn't an option for her. Also if DS has just been a bugger I might say something different to if he's been his usual self.

Tbh you seem fairly worked up about something that's really nothing to do with you. Maybe you got the wrong end of the stick when you were talking to your manager and rather than correct you she just went along with what she thought was easier. Would you say you often have these 'issues' with others?

I've also got another child who excels at maths and science but struggles with English (dyslexic) so you can big excel and struggle.

Oh heavens is this all you want😂.

If it's private, it's not a grammar school

She asked about the 11+ and then told me afterwards her daughter would not be academically bright enough to do it.

I’m not worked up about it, I was just wondering. Something didn’t sit right, and I came here to get different takes. I’m not going around stewing over it or bringing it up at work. It was just a moment that felt off, and I wanted to sense-check it.
And no, I wouldn’t say I regularly have issues with people. Just because I questioned this one situation doesn’t mean I go around falling out with everyone.

Most of the time I get on fine with others. I’m not expecting people to share everything or be completely open, but there’s a difference between keeping things to yourself and saying something that just isn’t true.

I completely understand how people present different sides of a situation depending on context or who they’re talking to. Your example with your son makes sense. But in this case, my manager gave me a version that turned out not to match reality at all. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, but it did make me wonder.

No, I am not competitive like that at all, especially not with her. She is my manager and several grades above me. There is no competition between us and I would not even see it that way. I have never tried to prove anything or make comparisons.

She asked me about my son's school, I answered honestly when she asked directly, and that was it. I do not bring things like that up unless I am asked. I think sometimes people assume there is some agenda or one upmanship when really it is just a normal conversation.

I have not misunderstood. I know the exact school she later named and it does have an assessment for entry even at Year 3. It is a selective private grammar with entrance assessments for younger years and not just at Year 7. It is also one of the schools in the area that had already broken up which matched up with what I noticed about her daughter's term dates.

She did not just ask about how the state system works. She specifically said her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying and there is no point in getting a tutor. She also said her daughter is just in an ordinary school and will not be sitting the 11+. That was not vague or open to interpretation. That was a clear statement.

So no, I do not think I got the wrong end of the stick. She gave me a completely different version of things than she gave to someone else later.

Oh dear. She told a slightly different version of her life to you when she wanted advice than to others when she was making small talk.

You have now written her off as dishonest.

does this black and white thinking and obsessive ruminating impact on any other aspects of your life? I don’t know anyone who would give this a second thought. Well that’s wrong - I do. A neighbor who is extremely competitive when it comes to children and school and results and adults and salary levels. If this happened to her she might actually call the police😂🫣😂

There’s a private grammar in my nearby city called “city name grammar school”.

It takes pupils from nursery age.

It has its own entrance exams and criteria and is selective at secondary .

So both things she said could equally be true.

You've changed your wording throughout this post. It starts of that he daughter isn't in to study so there's no point in getting a tutor, then she made it sound like she weren't academic, then she actually said she wasn't academic.
Either you are now lying because you are on the defensive or you don't actually remember what she said.

There’s no such thing as a “private grammar” so I suspect we are in a “recollections may vary” scenario

I am not lying, and I do remember what she said. I might have worded it slightly differently in different replies, but the overall message has stayed the same. She said her daughter is not academic, not into studying, and there is no point getting a tutor.

Whether I said she made it sound that way or said it directly, the point is the same. She gave a very clear impression that her daughter was not on any kind of academic or selective path. So when I later heard her saying her daughter is at a private grammar school and doing really well, it did not match up. That is what stood out, not a few wording changes in my posts.

That was the wording the manager used.

She did not just tell a slightly different version. She asked me for advice, said her daughter was not academic, was in an ordinary school, and would not be doing the 11+. Then I heard her telling someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school and excelling. That is not just a shift in tone or a different way of saying things. That is two completely different stories.

And no, this does not affect other areas of my life. I just noticed something that did not sit right, and I asked for perspective. That is the whole point of MN.

I think you are interpreting wrongly

excelling doesn’t mean being academic or interested in studying

my daughter is not academic but she is excelling in her current school in terms of her own advances.

I think you and she just have different outlooks/different priorities. It is entirely possible for a child to be not academic, not interested in studying and not benefit from a tutor, and yet still be doing really well at a private school that has entry requirements. Those things are not at all mutually exclusive.

I agree that excelling can mean different things depending on context. But in this case, it was not vague or open to interpretation.

She told me her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, and is in an ordinary school where there is no point getting a tutor and no plan to do the 11+. That gave a very clear picture.

Then she told someone else her daughter is excelling at a private grammar school with entrance assessments. Given the way she completely dismissed any form of her daughter excelling when speaking to me, it felt like a totally different story.

So yes, I do think she was being misleading. It is not just a matter of different definitions of excelling. It is about presenting two very different versions of the situation.

I understand that those things are not always mutually exclusive, and I agree that different people have different priorities. But this is not just a case of different outlooks.

She told me directly that her daughter is not academic, not into studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor. She also said she is in an ordinary school and would not be doing the 11+. She said there was no point her trying to get into a grammar. That gave me a very clear impression of their situation.

Then I hear her telling someone else that her daughter is doing really well at a private grammar school with entry assessments. That is not just a different priority or perspective. It is a completely different version. It is not just a matter of how you define academic success. It is that she told me one thing and told someone else something totally different.

Excelling compared to what? How she was a couple of years ago? Excelling socially as she’s previously struggled.

some people don’t mention private as others are knobs about it. She’s not lied to you.

No, it’s really not. You keep just repeating the same thing without trying to understand when people explain the nuances of it.

I think OP is perhaps overestimating how “selective” private primaries really are…

This thread is so odd. Of course both things can be true: the child attends a private school that had an assessment for 7-year-olds while at the same time she is not academic enough to pass the 11+. She can be excelling at school in a variety of ways while at the same time the mother knows that having a tutor for the 11+ would be pointless.

Also you say different things about the girl attending an "ordinary school." First you say that your manager implied that or "made it sound like" that or it "really came across" that way. Then you say that she "actually did say that her daughter was in an ordinary school." The terminology is a bit odd (what is an "ordinary school" anyway?). Did she imply it was a state school? Or did you incorrectly infer that? And if she did in fact use this odd turn of phrase, she could have meant all sorts of things by it. Many private schools are quite ordinary in the sense of being nothing special in terms of the education provided.

She did lie. This is not just about how someone defines excelling or whether they feel comfortable talking about private school.

She told me directly that her daughter is not academic, not interested in studying, and that there is no point getting a tutor. She also said her daughter is in an ordinary school and would not be doing the 11+. That is a very specific statement and gave a clear picture.

Later, she told someone else her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling. That is not just a matter of keeping quiet about private school. It is two completely different stories.

You can choose not to share something and that is fine. But when you actively give a version of events that is false or misleading, that is lying.

She actually used the words ordinary school herself. That was not something I read into. She also said her daughter is not academic, does not enjoy studying, would not be sitting the 11+, and that there is no point in getting a tutor. When someone says all that and describes the school as ordinary, the natural impression is that their child is at a typical non-selective state primary.

So yes, I was surprised to hear her later telling someone else that her daughter is at a private grammar school with entrance assessments and is excelling. I understand that children can do well in different ways and that a school with a 7+ assessment is not the same as passing the 11+. But this is not just about technicalities. It is the fact that she gave two very different versions of her daughter's situation depending on who she was speaking to. That is what does not sit right.