Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Pray tell, where do you think we are carting our kids off to?

@beetr00 the bar is set so low!

Does your sister have children? Does she know what it's like? I don't think you are being a brat at all. Going on holiday with young children is all the slog of the usual day to day routines with the added stress of not having all your familiar props to keep you going (variety of toys/playparks/foods; extra towels/bedding if ill; familiar bed, bath etc. Small children are very conservative and change of routine is quite distressing and demanding on them, so they can be extra hard work on holiday.

You have to work for a few days, and look after your child for a few days while he works. And pack up and travel. He needs to recognise this is NOT a break for you. Demonstrate this by asking him to do all the packing of everything she needs, and organise all the travel, and look after her 100% of the time on the days when you are working while away.

Why not ask him to just come and stay more often and take her out for the day so you get a solid break, then go out together for the day so you get time as a family?

This post has got to be a joke.... nochance is this a serious post after what @T1002 posted about no parents actually parenting all the time.....

On the whole, I think 'brat'. Lots of people have to care for their children alone because of the partner's work commitments. I spent 8 months of the year doing it for years without the holiday breaks you seem to be getting. Maybe have a convo about not going away so often if that is what is making it hard as being out of routine can be a pain with a small child .

If you want to progress the relationship, why don’t you suggest he has a go at packing for her? He lives there too? And unpacking which is always shit.

Sorry, but people who have kids often don't get any time to themselves. So I voted YABU. I can't remember the last time I had a couple of hours to myself, let alone a whole day.

I appreciate that it was hard when you had LO, but in reality you sound like it has all worked out well overall. Sometimes you need to count your blessings in life and look back and enjoy how much things have improved. Maybe your DS is going through a hard time, or someone she knows is? Try and keep your own woes in perspective and maybe work on your own inner monologue to yourself to try and work out whether you aren't happy for other reasons.

Speak to her partner and cut down on the trips - maybe do more day trips out instead.

She seems to have flexiable work and be financially comfortable - that's a nice place to be and she can say no to these trips or suggest alternatives that work better for her.

Personally I wonder why the sister was suddenly so blunt if she not normally - is it just fed up of being moaned to or is there something going on in her life that the OP is oblivious to that means this moaning has hit a nerve.

Most people with children certainly don't get a day to themselves regularly! You are very lucky in that respect.

OP, you got yourself into a less-than-ideal situation that sounds as if it's playing out reasonably well. Your DP is involved and generous with his money. He looks after your DD one day a week, which is more than most mothers of three-year-olds get, and he pays for childcare. He's working. Every month or two he takes you and your daughter on trips. I really can't see what's not to like, frankly: I think there are a lot of mothers who'd regard this as little short of heaven. A man who's involved and there, but not there all the time.

So I'm afraid you sound a bit of a nightmare. I'm team Sister. Get a grip and start appreciating all that you have, not whinging about packing. As if packing to go to Norfolk is a huge deal: you can buy anything you need when you're there if you forget it.

Luckily for you OP, don’t think you actually know what struggling is.

Brat.

@CatHairEveryWhereNow the OP definitely needs to cut down on the trips. I just don't buy into the narrative that because she has flexi work & good pay that she can't find parenting a struggle.

And I would advise her to chat with her sister & see what's going on.

BS on the whole thing BS the whole post.
There ive said it.

Without knowing your sisters home life it’s difficult to say if she overreacted.
I will say that my DH works 6 days a week, I work part time and I do most of the default parenting.
We both have to work the amount we do in order to do the things that we want to do for our children, clubs etc Any childcare not covered by school hours is paid for and Sundays are our family day.
I never have a day off to just please myself and neither does my DH.
You are coming across as a little brattish if you are comparing what you do to many people out there, because your lifestyle sounds pretty nice.
Maybe suggest to your DP that you don’t go away so much if you find it a struggle with the constant packing, although packing for yourself and 1 DC should be a dream.
You should be able to have a moan to your sister, but equally if close you should fully expect her to tell you if you’re being a twit, mine certainly would and vice versa.
Lots of people struggle with parenthood regardless how long they’ve been together, so I don’t think that time of being unsettled means that it should colour everything going forward.
Maybe a time to have a think about what really works for you as a family, count your blessings and resolve any areas that aren’t quite what you’d like them to be.

You have had some harsh responses on here! It is a natural human reaction to compare our lives to other peoples, particularly if you are having a hard time. Maybe your sister is struggling and when you describe your worries, she has reacted. If we were all being really fair, we would understand that everyones lives are different and that just because at certain points our lives may seem worse than others, it is always incomparable. There will always be people better or worse off than you. I went through a horrible time a few years ago, I was driven out of my home and had to move in with my parents with my DD. There still would have been people whose lives were far worse! We should be able to listen without judgement and give advice without comparing to our own. In reality of course we are human beings and that is what Counsellors are for!

He looks after your DD one day a week, which is more than most mothers of three-year-olds get, and he pays for childcare. He's working.

Why shouldn't a father who is away half of the week want to spend time with his dc?

I think that you are getting a harsher response than is necessary here.
Yes you are in a good position financially but that comes with a greater degree of child responsibility and a much greater degree of mental load, prepping for holidays, packing etc. This responsibility is just as weighty whether or not you are financially comfortable.
And looking after children on holiday is more stressful than at home especially if you are having to be out of the accommodation to let your partner work.
Your partner sounds very generous in many ways but possibly hasn’t caught up with you in appreciating the changes that come with children. Little babies are quite portable and can exist alongside your life, 3 year olds not so much, they need to be amused, entertained and fed. Holidays need to be child friendly.
As you work through bringing your lives together you need to really prioritise communication and honesty.

Single Mum here. Two kids, two different school runs, no days to myself, various clubs in the evening - so no real evenings to myself. Juggle my own finances.

Would love more holidays. £100 from ex would be heaven let alone £1000.

very happy to swap?

being serious though, do you think you might be suffering from depression? 3 days looking after your child can feel like a mountain to climb if you’re feeling low.

I think you are being unreasonable because I think many mums end up doing more of the childcare (rightly or wrongly) so that's not unusual plus you've said you have time to yourself on a Saturday and why should you be able to manage your own (one) child alone for three days out of 8??

Your sister should perhaps not have fallen out with you about it but I am guessing it's not the first time you complained and you probably have a privileged life compared to others. Having £1k a month to spend should make it easier to entertain your DC.

Not sure what you mean about it being difficult after the child was born but so what?! How long are you going to use that as an excuse for?!

imagine having a kid and then whining about how much you have to look after them lol

lol @ thinking parents get time to themselves....😂

Just to prepare you for when she is older, working out the school summer holidays is often pretty hard.

At 3, it can be a real mission to go on holiday for what feels like a while, definitely in terms of the packing, but even as to what can be enjoyable if you're in a strange house and bedrooms without the things around you that you are used to and the chance to have other people in the mix like nursery friends. You will be ok for your 3 days, and her Dad's days, but if it is relaxing, it will be more of a bonus and not a given. A cliche, but also, the time when they're little does go fast, so don't stress or be too hard on making anything amazing, it usually just happens.

I think you are getting very harsh responses OP - I can’t think of many people that would want to go on a family trip where they have to work half of it, and then their partner work the other half.

i’d rather stay at home.