Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

I think it's a good thing that you were willing to consider your sister's pov and get some feedback.

Because yes, your whining about your very privileged life comes off as very spoiled. Your expectations of what working motherhood is like seems drastically off and I think you're going to have to adjust those. I don't know any working mother of a toddler who expects much time to themselves. I would say if you're finding motherhood this difficult to not consider having more kids. Now, your kid is 3 and toddlers are a tough age. Hopefully as she grows and becomes more independent you'll find parenting easier. Parent life is not child free life. It sounds like you're having some difficulty making that switch

Can you cut down on the trips if they're overwhelming you? Are you more of a homebody and does your kid travel well? Keep a bag packed with stuff for a trip besides clothes for both you and your kid, get the small sizes of toiletries. Learn to travel light.

Your partner is working and he takes work trips. He also takes combined business/ pleasure trips that you are objecting to his working on because you will have to watch your child solo for 3 days. The horror!

Do you hear yourself there?

Oh, my husband used to take 3 and 6 months contracts where he would be away and be able to visit for a few days every month.

It’s not. How on earth do you get through life if you think three days is hard? My dh traveled for work and was often away three weeks. I had two under 3 then and worked full time in a very stressful job. If this is real you sound unhinged.

I’m a widow and I think YANBU. I think parenting in any circumstances is hard, and you lack both total autonomy and total certainty about your future situation. Parenting while courting!

Because yes, your whining about your very privileged life comes off as very spoiled.

Why is the OP privileged? Her partner is away most of the week every week & if they were actually married financially he would be contributed a lot more than 1k plus nursery if he earns well.

Is she privileged because she has time to herself & wants it?

@LittleGlowingOblong Parenting while courting! exactly, it's an odd set up.

You do sound like a brat sorry

It's all relative but TBH you sound spoilt. I get zero days off a week, regularly look after my young kids alone for weeks at a time on top of working full time, and my DH doesn't give me 'extra spending money'. A day a week off is a lot TBH. Perfectly fine to want to change things round if you feel like for example you want him to work less and look after DD more, and in exchange you work more. But sorry you IMO are doing very well compared to most parents of young kids.

She's the one blocking progressing in the relationship, though!

DP wants to progress the relationship but I am taking it slow as technically we have been together only 3 ish years

YANBU. Sorry you don’t think you can look after your child in your own for 3 days!, poor kid.

your sister is right you have a great life compared to many. If you are finding the travelling difficult then tell your oartner, get him to help with the packing, but I bet lots of people would be very happy for your life

@whitewineandsun maybe she has legitimate reasons for taking it slow. I still don't understand why that makes her privileged?

Those trips will be nice only if you like to go. If you are not for that many you need to say it and arrange to other arrangements.
Your sister has a point in the sense that you can do what most can't and some would love to do, but that means nothing if you don't like them.
For me the reality check is the fact that you don't want the current trip situation and that needs solving.

Most people with jobs and young kids don’t get a whole day to themselves a week.

to many, other people's lives, compared to their own, may seem idyllic.

@T1002 is unhappy, end of.

It's so easy to judge because our circumstances may not be equivalent.

What should she do? Just suck it up because other people may be envious and could only dream of her "privilege"?!!

eta; to emphasise

It may be a sign something going on in her life o rthat she fed up of you moaning to her.

I suspect it's becuase it's not something you do it feels dauting - it will likely be fine.

I remember being stressed when DH was away at weekends - then he started doing an annual week conference away - which I found hard then year later he was working away in the week - I adapted as my normal changed.

Though I remember when he was working away I had three kids to get to bed every night and I had one Mum moaning to me she had to put one to bed by herself as her DH was working a late shift for extra money - I made all the right noises but it did feel tone deaf to me and a bit wtf - it's one kid for one evening - the GM had other one for the night.

If you are finding all these trip away stressful speak up and do fewer going forward - it seems like a solveable problem to me.

boo bloody hoo! Christ alive!

Yes I do agree that OP knew exactly what she was letting herself in for and she’s the one blocking it by not moving in together.

As a PP said, you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

It reminds me of SAHPs who are resentful of their partners who get to go to work whilst they’re stuck at home.
I completely understand why they’d feel that way but at the same time they’re very lucky they get the choice of being a SAHP.

I think I would do less trips if they are a source of stress and definitely move in together.

I don’t really understand why you’d have a child and plan to marry someone but are reluctant to move in.
Id be doing this for at least 12 months this before setting a date for the wedding.

Most people with jobs and young kids don’t get a whole day to themselves a week.

It's not that unusual surely since a large percentage of mothers are p/t particularly with young dc?

@T1002

what do you think other parents do?

It’s quite funny actually. 🤣

What should she do? Just suck it up because other people may be envious and could only dream of her privilege?!!

Apparently so...

Just wondering, is your partner wanting to go on all these trips for quality time with you because he doesn't feel at home in your house? You've said that you didn't want to give up your home and he now rents his out. Sounds like he doesn't really have a "base" as it were as he's working away a lot and now staying at yours? Maybe all the trips are his way of dealing with that? I could be completely wrong of course but it's something that stood out to me.

I was going to come in and say that maybe your sister had a point but she could have put it more gently, but then I saw this post and I’m out 😂😂😂

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week.

I don't have any words! Stressed about looking after your own child for 3 days?

financially comfortable, is the reasoning, I suspect @munchingmunch 🤷🏼

It reminds me of SAHPs who are resentful of their partners who get to go to work whilst they’re stuck at home.I completely understand why they’d feel that way but at the same time they’re very lucky they get the choice of being a SAHP.

But it's not a choice if they would rather work but can't as their DH can't or won't facilitate it or they can't afford childcare?