Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Most people with at least one child certainly do not get one day a week to themselves!

Can you clarify what does your typical week look like? I’m honestly struggling to understand what’s bothering you so much.

As for your sister, are her circumstances less fortunate than yours? I’d probably struggle to sympathise too.

I agree with your sister.

Most people don't, OP. Most people are either 24/7 caregivers or working and then coming home from work and then looking after the DC.

I think this may be a bit of a blinkered view that is irritating your sister. You do have a full on life, but this is the reality for most people and some with further money stresses on top of the hectic schedule.

Do you know many other parents with little ones? It does sound a bit like you had this child not realising what it means in terms of commitment.

Sending hugs..

Most people don't, OP. Most people are either 24/7 caregivers or working and then coming home from work and then looking after the DC.

I don't think the majority of mothers with young dc work full time?

Are your diamond shoes to tight!

What ‘struggles’ are you referring to? Your life sounds lovely. Enjoy it and speak up if something is stressing you out.

Holidays stress me out too, I know most people love them but I find they take a toll on me.

What you are describing is a first world problem.

Take less breaks away and share more of the care for DD.

Perhaps your sis has greater issues than yours and it has come ut in this way (her reaction)

Ooooh nooooo, how horrible.. 🙄

Your sister is clearly fed up with your princessy whingeing and just snapped.

Try this: leave your partner, be a single mother, work full time, cover all the expenses yourself, and have your DD 100% of the time. Then reassess.

Yes, they really are. Listen to yourself

I agree with other posters, your assumption that most mothers get time off to themselves is just not accurate. I have 2 DD with my DW (same sex couple). We both work full time jobs 40hrs a week and I work overtime 5 evenings out of 7. Children are both in a mix of nursery and with grandparents for childcare. We get zero time to ourselves apart from leave which is pre planned. A day off a week to catch up with housework etc would be luxury to me and I'm sure many other people. we don't consider ourselves hard done to, in fact I think we're both in good positions compared to some to be able to both be in full time work and support a home and 2 children. I don't the the OP is being a brat though, just quite naive which has undoubtedly irritated the sister.

Well, it doesn’t sound as if she would have to do that, as she luckily didn’t have a baby with an absolute loser.
she’d actually probably get more time to herself.

the jealousy and bitterness on this thread is awful.

other people having different struggles doesn’t cancel out her feelings.

Of course they are, what else do you think they do?

YABU - You get 1 day off a week for 'me time' which is more than most parents.I work full time, as does my DH. We also pay for childcare when its needed. We dont have any money left over for breaks away so maybe consider how lucky you are to take your DD to different places. Dont like the breaks away ? then dont go.

You really need to give your head a wobble!
Speaking as a single mum who worked shifts none of which were from home(excellent chikdminder), DS's dad halfway round the world with no contact or maintainence.
I am really struggling to see what your problem is - if you think you're doing 'too many trips' then don't go...

the jealousy and bitterness on this thread is awful.

It's fucking ridiculous. You can only complain if you're a single mum who has to work f/t with a bum ex partner who doesn't contribute financially or physically. But actually those people shouldn't complain either because there will be others worse off than them....

It's like the covid threads where your complaints weren't valid unless you actually died. 🙄

What is it you really want? Do you want to get married? To me you’re either a full team or you’re not. I’d be thinking about marriage and combining everything and making sure there was an equal split with childcare and efforts whatever that means to you. You’re not unreasonable if it’s security and commitment that you want.. I read through the lines a bit and felt he has a lot of freedom and you’re sort of paid off to do a lot of the childcare grafting. Just because you also have a good salary or whatever doesn’t mean you should be doing anything alone if you’re in a family unit. Best of luck x

I don't think there's jealousy here at all but a general feeling of the OP not living in the real world. Being a parent is a fulltime commitment we don't just pick & choose when we do and don't parent and many of us have to juggle that with working fulltime and relying on either GPs or childcare.

I class myself as fortunate both myself & DH work fulltime and earn very good money and can afford to give our kids a very good life but it's stressful juggling it all whereas OP has flexible working, childcare and a DP who also hugely supports her financially all whilst she shows no longterm commitment to him..... I don't think she realises how lucky she is..... there's many SPF who don't have any of her luxuries but have to get on with it. When you have kids your needs are not no 1 priority your children are and they require a lot of love, time and attention. To get a day to yourself a week is the thing dreams are made of for most of us, I live for an hour at night when they have finally gone to bed after driving me insane from walking in the door from work..... I wouldn't change it though

I'd agree - but she not helpless here she has a voice she needs to use it.

Moaning to her sister changes nothing - she need to have a frank talk to her DP - and see if they can come up with better way to spend time together - they clearly have money so should have options.

I had to speak up about visisting IL - there house wasn't set up for kids it wasn't a break - we had to be on best behavior all the time - I was only one watching the kids so it was exhausting - plus we were carting 5 people on multiple trains with a shit load of equipement and it cost a fair bit just at time money was tight. Had a conversation and upshot was IL came to us much more and there was usually much more to do in our areas than theirs so the ended up happier as well.

Because this man isn't married to the OP, doesn't live with them and had the opportunity to walk away before the baby was born. He actually seems to be rather more hands-on and certainly more generous and involved that an awful lot of the men married to MN posters.

But in the hours they’re not working they’re caring for their children.

Will add that just because someone else is a single mum struggling etc it’s completely irrelevant and your feelings are still totally valid. It’s not a race to the bottom of how shit we can expect men to be and there’s no medals for anyone at either end of the spectrum of parental equality!!!

What you are describing is a first world problem.

It's MNs, what were you expecting?

I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time

Sorry op, but you are the mother to a young child. Many parents don't even get one day a week. And actually, your DP is working, travelling, has DD on Saturday then family day on sunday. I suppose you could argue he gets the evenings to himself when travelling, depending on his work schedule.