Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Kindly, you can’t have it both ways. On the one hand you feel like 3 days of parenting solo is a lot because you don’t really do that given your daughter is in nursery and so forth (one of your earlier posts). Then here you’re saying that you feel like it’s a lot because you do it all, all the time.

You’ve got one child who is presumably in good health and isn’t overly challenging (as I’m sure you’d have mentioned it otherwise), no financial worries whatsoever, a man who wants to progress your relationship and be a proper partner (and where you’re the one blocking that happening), and who - despite working away - wants to spend time with you and your shared child on trips away that most people can’t afford in anywhere near that frequency.

You absolutely do need a reality check.

Your life is markedly easier than many, many other people. You need to start looking at your blessings instead of going on about how hard it is when objectively you have it much easier than many parents, and many women.

Of course you can find parts stressful, and parenting is difficult - no one will disagree with that - but you are not hard done by. Not one bit. And the things that you are finding difficult are within your gift to change or influence. Largely because they’re of your making because of choices you made.

If you had harsh responses on here it’s because you seem incredibly tone deaf, and I would imagine your sister is on the end of that regularly and lost her patience with you. I would have done too.

I'd wouldn't go as far as 'brat' but she is right. You're under stress and it's making you unreasonable. Count your blessings, you're in a pretty fortunate situation when you step back and look at it.

This is what it boils down to.

On the face of it OP has a life that most of us would dream about but actually this is a very unequal relationship and no amount of holidays or money would outweigh that for me.

I’m sorry op but i agree eith your sister

I’ve been lucky to get a half day on the odd occasion.

You’re not U not to want so many trips away, for any reason. Many parents dislike trips with small DC.

Your boyfriend became a father and retained his working life unchanged with frequent trips etc. it’s good he’s parenting and paying what’s fair, which unfortunately could end at any time.

If he’s not offering marriage, minimise compromises regarding your work and personal finances.

When do you think most people get time to themselves? I don't know anyone with kids who gets one day a week entirely to themselves.

As ever the vipers dive in to put the boot in (thats the one boot on the end of their tail)...

It is hard to say to your DP 'actually these trips away, whilst lovely on paper, are in fact more stress and work for me than they are relaxing/quality time' - because a trip away is broadly a nice thing, spending time with your kid and partner is a lovely thing..

But when it comes with extra life-admin - and any trip away with a 3 year old does - it starts to get less lovely really fast.

I think the trips away also assuage his guilt at being away a lot and it simply hasn't occurred to him that this = more work, more stress for you, rather than less. Speak to him - if you can't talk to him about something like this, your relationship has far more serious issues!

As for all the 'ooh looking after your own child for three days is no hardship' - this isn't just looking after your own child, its looking after your own kid ON HOLIDAY, out of routine, out of familiar spaces - as a quick squizz through any post on holidays with the under 5s will tell you, its NOT relaxing!

I don't actually understand what's enviable about this set up? The partner is away for half the week & then books trips to catch up on family time. I wouldn't want to go away every month & if I did I wouldn't want to work for some of it. Why not book less time off or leave a bigger gap between trips?

I think focussing on looking after dd for 3 days isn't really the issue.

I agree with the point you both make here. However, I don't think he is swanning off as OP states he has to work away alot so it's not really by choice...... also, it would seem this is how it has always been so, OP knew this before she fell pregnant, and they wasn't (still arn't) very committed to one another. It actually sounds like it's OP who won't commit as she states she won't live with him till their married...... erm they have a child??? It wouldn't be as one way if they lived together even with his worktrips I don't believe, as OP's DP actually seems like he is more than happy and willing to spend time as a family/with DC and also provide etc.

@cucy I think if they lived together and he was off doing whatever he wanted then used the holiday or cash to put a plaster over his absence then I would 100% agree with you but I actually think it's OP who is blocking the family set up and commitment and her DP is trying.

I’d take your set up in a heartbeat!

I don't know anyone with kids who gets one day a week entirely to themselves.

You don't know any SAHPs?

Oh gosh how awful for you 🤣 holidays every few weeks. The horror.

Seriously why on earth are you bloody going?! Just have a break- I’d be knackered if I was packing up every few weeks to go away. If you are working can you even enjoy it properly.

Is your sister struggling, could you take her with you?

Looking after your daughter alone for 3 days is not a big deal at all. Many people look after several children alone everyday. I used to be a childminder and had multiple children all day on my own.

Just plan your day - out and about doing an activity in the morning. Then lunch. Then a quieter activity in the afternoon. With a 3 year old for a better experience you do need to focus your day around her rather than trying to have an adult day that she tags along with.

Going away is nice but exhausting when you're doing all the packing and organising stuff. It seems like you're hardly home before going off again and trying to juggle work too.

I'd advise less trips but possibly for a longer length of time so you get a proper number of days away. With less trips when you do go away take annual leave and have a proper holiday. You're not going to be able to carry on like you currently are when your DD starts school.

@Boymummy2015 that's true about work/lack of choice & I would really struggle if DH had a job like this.

I'm p/t, dc are in school, have lots of gp help but the fact dh works hybrid makes my life & our family lives so much easier.

You’re a complete brat. Most parents wouldn’t be fazed at all looking after their children 3 days in a row.
often looking after 2 children or more. I look after 3 under 5 almost every day of the year.

This!!

I look after 3 under 5 almost every day of the year.

Sounds like hell but did you choose to have them so close together & not use childcare?

Haven’t read the full thread - but for what it’s worth op, I would be pissed off if my partner planned a week away and then said he had to work 3 of those days.
I’d rather save my annual leave and use it for a whole block of time where we would be spending quality time together.
i don’t understand why he seems to feel that spending time together means a trip away?

Myself & my DH work together both work in Transport and F/T it's an absolute struggle and we juggle it all somehow. Kids are all busy too with one activity or another 6/7 days a week. I can't help but think how will OP manage when DC is older as whilst yes 3 is a difficult age she only has the 1 child.....

What struggles?

I agree you are being a brat. Well and truly.

@T1002 Sorry OP, but I think YABU. 90% of single parents are mothers and many of them not only do all the childcare, but have money worries too because the deadbeat fathers have no involvement with their DC, much less pay child maintenance. I think you need to remind yourself that your situation is very much better than many mothers (including those with present DPs) - and I think this is why your DS became irritated with you.
Regarding your frequent "holidays", couldn't you explain to your DP what you've told us on here and ask him if you, as a family, could have some of these breaks at home so it doesn't cause you more work with packing, etc?

My DC is 17 now buy I'd have loved one whole day a week to myself. Even now I would take a day a month to myself!

Your DSis is right, you need a reality check. That said, surely cutting down the trips would make life easier? Doesn't seem like a big issue to have less holidays, just loosen those tight diamond shoes....

I actually can't believe you can write that 3 full days in a row of watching your DD feels a lot!

@Boymummy2015 I would have no option but to cope if we had different jobs & who knows re the OP. Sometimes when your hand is forced you just have to get on with it.

I have most of the school holidays off but my dc still do summer camps etc for their own interests and so I can have peace at home!

OP, i wouldn't call you a brat but i think it will help if you look more objectively at your situation. I am a single mum (by choice), but that means i have no days to myself, i work full time, have no second income, and i live abroad so have no family support. I understand when you have had rocky times you have your blinkers on about your situation because i have done the same, but try and count your blessings that you have a much easier situation than many people