Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

As a single mum I'd swap in a heart beat! Not really but the comparisons show you are over reacting.
Just stop the trips

This so many people would kill to be in your situation.

But you said you mainly do mornings amd bedtime, not all of it.

I looked after my 2 7 days a week ok they went to nursery but are 5 years apart so still had one full time till they were in nursery and a house to look after

If you can't have a good moan with your nearest and dearest - who can you with? I agree with you. Sometimes you just need to let off steam x

Wholeheartedly agree with your sister. Can’t understand why you have an issue of having your daughter for three days on your own!
I had four children with my husband, who continuously went on work trips including one for over 8 months.
You have no financial concerns a partner who wants to help out and generously so.
I’d be irked listening to your nonsensical issues.

It’s not your sisters problem whether the start was rocky. Seeing now why she thinks you’re a spoilt brat.

Be thankful you can take trips every few weeks.

On the face of it it seems ridiculous so what is it really about?

Do the trips always involve one or both of you working so they are more stress than they are worth?

Spending time together surely doesn't have to be trips away?

Days out or just a trip to the park or something?

Do you ever just relax at home as a family or is your relationship built on always being busy/doing something when together?

I think there's room for discussion with your partner - the easier issue seems to be fewer trips away from home would work better for you. Maybe you'd be better organising trips for when you both have enough annual leave for the whole trip.

The bigger / harder issue is around whether he can do less paid work and more parenting which might be more helpful overall than the current position.

Is there enough scope within your salary and the money he's giving you to have a cleaner / gardener etc? Outsourcing stuff you don't have to do personally might help.

Three year olds usually sleep enough that you should have free evenings - do you have a non-sleeping child? Or something else that means you're not getting free time each evening?

Three year olds are also hard work on general - it gets easier as they get older.

Have you not considered working part time?
I get the impression your partner would happily continue paying for full time childcare and the rest, and you could take the time you need for yourself and have more to give your daughter.

I don’t know why both parents would work full time hours if they didn’t need to. Let him carry the financial load and you carry the mental load for a while. Then maybe go back FT when she’s at school?

It would affect her pension, career prospects and potentially earning potential - it's not the 80s and women want a decent life which doesn't involve relying on the goodwill of someone handing them a grand a month. Don't make yourself financially dependent on another person's career.

Edit: not having a go at you specifically here but I'm a but flabbergasted how many (women) here seem to think 1k is a fortune and how having your partner chip in a bare minimum is somehow OK.

You should watch a few episodes of rich house poor house, single mums 3 or 4 kids, working and trying to survive on very little money. I think you are very privileged and need to take a good look at yourself. I am all for taking things slowly, but 3 years? If you wont move in together how can he help much with childcare.

I'm a single Mum, I work. My daughter had a traumatic birth, was 3 months prem and very ill. My partner was abusive and we split. I'm still paying off the debt from that time and haven't had a holiday for 7 years. I very rarely mention it to anyone.

I find it very hard to have sympathy with 2 high earning people who have a holiday every month and can't look after their own child for 3 days to be honest!

JFC…🤦‍♀️

What would be you ideal scenario?

I get it OP. You're keeping the show on the road pretty much solo all week - good that your DP contributes financially but that's not the same as practical help and someone to share the mental burden.
I did that too with 2 kids 2 yrs apart and NO time allocated to "Me" time until they were both in school. Your sister isn't being fair.
However you CAN cope with 3 full days and just one child in summer near the beach, no problem

Totally agree.

I get it OP. You're keeping the show on the road pretty much solo all week - good that your DP contributes financially but that's not the same as practical help and someone to share the mental burden.
I did that too with 2 kids 2 yrs apart and NO time allocated to "Me" time until they were both in school. Your sister isn't being fair.
However you CAN cope with 3 full days and just one child in summer near the beach, no problem

I only really do mornings and bedtimes and some days if I take holiday and take her out. Three days feels like a lot in one go.

FFS, this is your own child you are talking about! How can you struggle to look after your own child for three days in a row?

😅😅😅 you have a good setup...

Most people dont get any days off from their kids, nor the get a chance of short breaks away from home. Raising kids is tiring full stop, whether there are one or two of you. Sounds as if you at least are spared financial problems which add to parents' stress. I!m afraid a lot of mums would be happy to have your problems. I think that, yes, you do need to a bit of a reality check and realize that it could be a lot worse.

And cheer up your daughter wont always be three.

It’s not sex specific. If her husband was earning less then he could drop a day. Two parents working full time hours when not financially necessary just baffles me. Not best for the child or for whoever ends up carrying the mental load.

Doing part time and letting your partner carry more of the financial load during the early years isn’t some 1950s bear trap. It’s partnership. And temporary.

Who is advocating for the child, whose parents have so little energy to give that 3 days with them sounds exhausting?

If looking after your own child for 3 days is too much for you, make sure you don't have another one as you would not manage.

You’ve never looked after your child for 3 days in a row before? Really? Look up some local places you can take her, ie farms, soft play, etc. My husband regularly works away, when we had 1 child I’d sometimes go down and stay with him for a few days if I was off, I’d just look for local places to go for a day out and off we’d go.

I went to Holland with 3 year old for a week with husb for his work. We drove him to work and then had adventures. Playparks. Cafes. Museums with her in the buggy. Shopping, ditto. Bit of Dutch TV cartoons. Was absolutely brilliant. It's one of her earliest memories (she's in her 30s now).

Two years later, gave birth to second child, with disabilities. Life never the same again. And I didn't have any time to myself until she was 2 and able to go to special nursery at the hospital.

I'm thrown by this post.