Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

If people want a day off by themselves whilst child is at school or nursery there is always annual leave....

@BreatheAndFocus you sound jealous tbh.
the £1000 migut well be below CM (the father earns very well)
The OP works full time so yes she is ‘only’ doing morning and evenings like any other working parent.

This all sounds so familiar. Have you changed a few details OP?

Are you the one with the abusive cocklodger boyfriend
Who basically lives in your home for free
Pays for £60 of groceries (which he also eats too)
Insists on coming shopping with you to buy them
Then gets nasty with you in the shop for taking "to long" (in his opinion) and drags you out of there?
You say nothing because you don't want to make a scene in front of DD.
He rents his home out
Essentially lives at yours part time
Paying nothing towards utilities or rent
Or any child maintenance
Whilst doing almost no parenting either
Because he's always out with friends whilst he's there.
You get no time alone
You're always with him or DD or both
And you barely leave the home because of this.

That ⬆️ you? 🤷 Is this the latest installment?

Lol - wrong. I earn my own money. I’m just astounded at someone being paid a not insignificant sum of money per month to spend on themselves moaning, along with moaning about having to look after their own child for three whole days.

And where did the OP say she didn’t get CM? She said her DP gave her an extra £1000 per month.

You have a cushy life and your moaning, sounds like you've got a good other half aswell, works hard and gives more than enough. If you can't look after one child for 3 days there's something wrong. We have 3 little ones similar situation tho a little less money and I love going away with them and seeing there faces enjoy new experiences, yes daddy may have to work a couple of days on his laptop but hey he's paid for it and we enjoy it together

Agreed - I think this sounds exhausting and not at all restful. Also, from the sister's position this could be viewed as complaining about privileges others don't have.

I don't think anyone is strictly 'in the wrong' here, OP. But for the sake of your relationship with your sister, I'd take her feelings on board and drop the subject in future. Kudos to you, though, for acknowledging this and being willing to self-reflect, whilst understandably feeling hurt by her response.

"Most people get time to themselves in the week" .... Bahahahahahahahahahah

Why do you agree to the trips if you don't enjoy them?
I think your sister does have a point and I wonder whether she might be struggling herself financially or another way? Did you ask her how she was?

Yes, most parents DO look after their children.

Oh my word

Bloody hell. I had three four years and under and looked after them on my own five days a week from seven am until 6pm. I breastfed them all so nights were all me too though h did bring them to me, wind and put back. Honestly, you do sound like you have no understanding about parenthood and life. It is irrelevant you had her quickly, I am sure you'd feel this way if you'd been together two years before getting pregnant.

I find it hard to believe and quite sad that you can't look after your child for three days
My husband worked away Monday to Friday when our children were young and our youngest was a baby. I was the sole carer for two young children.
And there are many single parents with mom support.

Ohhhh where's the laugh emoji gone.
Sweet child. Yes, most parents do more than a couple or nursery drops and bedtimes, they also don't get given extra money and bought holidays, plus one set in stone child free day AND family day out. You are spoilt beyond belief. And ungrateful. I assume you're also an adult. So if you don't want to go away as frequently, because it's too "hard" for you, then just tell your boyfriend you want a week at home instead.

Your sister is right and you are BU. 100%

Try being a single parent. They don’t have the luxury of what you do, both with money, nursery paid, time to self, and at least some help from DP. At least not the ones I know anyway. Some people would love to be in your position.

LOVE the term cocklodger 🤪

I cant believe you have it THIS good and still dont want to cherish quality time with your child. You are spoilt.

We have a non-verbal, profoundly disabled child who requires 24/7 care. The holes in care provision mean we shell out most of our monthly income to meet his needs. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in 9 years, or been on holiday anywhere that isn’t a carefully juggled few days at Disneyland Paris or a respite centre for 10 years. The last time I had time to myself was three years ago so I could go and have major surgery. Would you like to swap…?

That sounds really tough...not

If it is, if I were the OP would I fuck be coming back to answer.

There are people on here with utter miserable lives they can't stand a whiff of someone fortunate in any way and having a complaint. Everyone has to be dragged down to their misery.

It's sad really.

I don't think you're a brat. Entertaining a toddler singlehandedly in a strange place is not a holiday. If your partner wants to spend time with you why not do it at home like a normal family? It is a lot of work packing and settling a child into accommodation, checking it's all safe etc. And of course he should be paying for nursery, he's got a good job and rental income on top. Does he pay half your housing costs as he's living with you?

Your sister is right. You really don’t know you’re born! When my DD was born her dad worked 12 hour shifts, a mixture of days and nights so I can assure you I was doing the majority of caring for her. As the main earner, I also worked full time, so it was tough. There certainly wasn’t any £1k pocket money, childcare being paid for or trips away.

You have a very unrealistic view of how much having a child impacts your life. I also think it’s really sad that you don’t want to spend time with your DD. I split from DDs dad when she was 3 and did it all myself and whilst it was hard, I loved spending time with her. You seem to resent having to spend 3 days with your DD and your DP will be there morning, lunch, dinner and bed time. I can’t see what the issue is.

I think the real problem is you appear to be with your partner because you feel pregnant. You've not said once what you like about him.
I think you need to have a little think if this relationship has a future.

fell not feel pregant!

Tricky one. I can see it from both sides. As a parent with young children then lm lucky to get a day to myself, it's not even once a quarter so one day a week feels a lot! I would love that and l have toddler twins. On the flip side how much solo parenting and packing / organising etc does your partner do?

Me, me, me. Are you in touch with reality. You have to pack four times a year!

Struggles?