Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

When men who live full time with their partner go out 4 times a week they are rightly pulled up on not being part of family life, yet OP is being told he has to be happy having a part time partner and father to her child.

Quite

OP, kindly, you sound spoilt and entitled. You don’t want to look after your own child for three days?
Im with your sister here - get a reality check.

i had to reread this as i couldn't believe my eyes. you have a day to yourself every week?! I cannot. Most people, me included work full time and have zero time off as when I'm not working, I'm parenting and doing all the other million things working parents need to juggle. I am with your sister! How frustrating. Hopefully this post has given you some perspective. by the way, having a baby is a shock for everyone.

After god, fear women, honestly

The number of women who get IRATE at sah mums the moment they dare express a bit of discontent, as though being at home with a baby all of the time is a bloody picnic

I had 2 kids a full time job and their father away in the forces and not living with us. I managed. Similar story with falling pregnant with eldest. Much much less money involved

Yes you sound totally spoilt and unrealistic

Well, tbh I'd be peeved if I did all the drop-offs, pick-ups, bedtimes, cooking, cleaning and life admin through the week only to get a few hours on Saturday. But then again we discussed all this in great detail before we had a baby and we were both adamant on doing half each of everything, and both of us still having free time to go out, see friends etc as well as having family time.

Could you outsource more tasks, like cleaning and cooking etc to make day-to-day life less hectic?

The number of women who get IRATE at sah mums the moment they dare express a bit of discontent, as though being at home with a baby all of the time is a bloody picnic

I don't think it's just about sah mums, there is so much anger directed at woman who have choices, who don't accept their lot, push for more etc. Clearly a lot of women are unhappy.

You have a 3 year old and you have never looked after her yourself for 3 whole days? You are her mother! Stop outsourcing your parenting and learn to be with your child!

So what if you are or aren’t being a brat…you are entitled to have feelings and letting them out to your sister is the appropriate way to vent to allow yourself to let it out and get over it.

Your sister is a bit mean lol. But she is probably just jealous that you’ve got a nice life. Some people have difficulty in understanding that just because they may have bigger problems or less money, that a problem for someone else that seems trivial should not be considered.

Yep, reality check needed. Saying no money worries doesn’t make you less stressed is drastically underestimating how stressful it is to not have enough money. Money buys convenience. Little one doing your head in? Off we go to a farm park/out for lunch/let’s get an ice cream/buy something new to entertain you. Housework getting too much? Sod it, let’s outsource some to a cleaner. Car broken down? No issue, get it fixed. You have food in the cupboards and a secure roof over your head. You possibly need to really reflect on what it would be like to not have those things before you say having enough money doesn’t make you less stressed - you just have nothing to compare it to.

I really believe those sorts of ‘well, you should be grateful that xyz’ type responses are bullshit, but given you have so explicitly shown a lack of insight here I can kind of see where your sister is coming from.

For context, I work full time compressed hours and husband is full time. Two kids. I get a day a week with little but this also involved school run etc. no family help. Financially comfortable but not enough to pay for cleaners etc so I either have a tidy house or spend time with the kids. I choose the latter. I can count on maybe two hands how many days I’ve had truly to myself since becoming a parent and that’s usually taking leave while they’re at school and nursery but that’s harder now eldest is at school because we need to cover holidays.

Your sister wasn’t very kind in how she put it, but I would honestly recommend spending some time looking at things you are grateful for. It’s fine to feel stressed in your situation, of course that’s valid, but I do feel you’re massively undervaluing the positives in your life and you’d be a much happier person if you instead tried to shift your perspective away from ‘I have to look after my kid’ to ‘I GET to spend time with my kid’.

You sound like a spoiled brat

The trips sound stressful but you say your partner is there for 3 days a week and one of the days he takes your child out so you get a day to yourself.
my husband is gone from 8am-midnight (sometimes later) at least 5 days a week, including every other weekend. Sure he takes him to nursery but the rest of it I do, and yes it is hard but like you I get help the days he’s at home. Where we live nursery is closed for summer and for his age group it’s closed for almost 3 months, so I’m mostly alone with him this summer.

Being upset by the thought of having to spend 3 days caring for your child is a strange take, gotta say...

It a bit reads as if you both ended up with a kid when you didn't really want one, but are sort of begrudgingly trying to make it work.

Honestly, it sounds like your partner is doing his best. He's footing most of the bills, and trying to spend as much time with you/his DD as he can.

That being said, monthly overnight trips with a toddler sounds like a lot of work/hassle. Tell him you'd rather stay at home.

Er, yes, some of us. My children are early thirties now, perhaps different times/expectations, but it was almost unremittingly me, despite being in a committed relationship.

When you are well off you need to be careful who you complain to - you have money and support but sympathy is something in short supply, get some friends in your wealth bracket, you can vent without getting attacked.

Crikey......... spoilt and entitles little princess !!!!

So by that account, single mothers whose ex see the dcs EOW are in an amazing place because they have a full weekend just for themselves….

Im not sure many of them would agree with you there. It doesn’t replace having support at home in the week,sharing the responsibilities etc etc….

And the OP is basically in that position. A boyfriend who takes no responsibility for his dc apart from one day. Week. Pays (probably?) more than what CM would be. And turns up every so often when it works for him and his work.

Ffs, when my dc were small my me time was 2 hours on a Sunday morning listening to The Archers omnibus whilst catch up on the ironing and DH took the kids out.
You have no idea….

Yes most parents, especially mums, are doing it by themselves every week. You get an entire day off every week, I know 0 other women who get this!

Sorry but they don’t.
single parents do. And they find it exhausting and hard.
Couples are sharing the load. Or should be. And when they don’t, mothers are complaining too.

The idea that ‘most wo,en just cope being the only parent who actually parents’ doesn’t mean it’s right or that it’s not exhausting. And certainly doesn’t mean someone like the OP shouldn't complain about it.

The difference with the OP? She is ‘given’ a ‘free’ holidays Ona regular basis.
Cor me, it reads as ‘I’m jealous’ and ‘you clearly have more money than me so you aren’t allowed to complain’ as if money was going to look after the child, make taking decisions easier, help dealing with tantrums etc….

If I can help a 4 year old build sandcastles on Blackpool beach with one hand while holding a video call to talk someone through IT print settings with the other hand then OP will do just grand.

The troubling thing to me is that you dread looking after your child for three days straight. Yes it is hard. But this is your chance to get to know her on a deeper level, doing stuff together you don’t have time for normally, exploring the outdoors…

It also sounds like you should be working on a closer relationship with her dad, becoming true partner. Maybe he tries too hard with the frequent holidays and you’d rather he spends time with you some other way? Talk to him.

Well you are either working while on holiday, or at the beach when you should be working and neither is great or good work/home balance.

I work full time, so does DH. Between work and kids neither one of us ever gets any time to ourselves. Plus we are both solo parenting at times in the week and we both travel for work every now and then. One day a week me time would be incredible. Our set up is exhausting - yet, I am sure, still better than others'.
I am not saying you are unreasonable finding it difficult, it is difficult for working parents. But honestly your set up sounds very good compared to most, try to appreciate the many good things about it.

You’ve already said you only really do mornings and bedtimes, so you’re not ‘doing it all week’. More than that, many mums stay at home and look after their children fulltime with no nursery; many are married to partners who work away or are in the Forces; and there are large numbers of single parents too. Moaning about having to look after your own child for three whole days (!) sounds absolutely pathetic! Do you not enjoy spending time with her?

You have £1000 per month given to you for spending money - lucky, lucky you! I don’t think you have any understanding of how many other people live. You sound immature and, frankly, unworldly.

Spend more time enjoying your daughter and just say No to the trips if you don’t want to go. Your sister was blunt and a bit mean but what she said was true.

Well I can see the OP would say that.
She sounds exhausted from the normal running of the house. Because she is on her own.
Shell be somewhere different and toddlers don’t always mix well with their schedule and environment being mixed up. She might not have the things/systems she uses at home to occupy/calm her dc whilst away.
I mean many parents chose NOT to go away with 3yo because they are notoriously hard work. (And yes some ARE good with being away but not all. Dc1 was. Dc2 wasn’t!)

And I suspect her ‘DP’ will leave it to her to deal with said child.

Tbh the ‘Going away for a week’ is a crap idea imo. Esp that often.
It’s something a single person would propose. Not a parent with a toddler.
And it probably makes him feel good - ‘look at what I’m giving her/them’. Which so many posters are picking up on, wo a second thought about the work involved in going away. Wo a thought about the impact on the 3yo.

Dh was away most the week when dcs were that age.
Id have strangled him if he had wanted me to also go away that regularly, fit my work schedule around that, deal with the dcs, deal with my own schedule being messed up (the washing, the cleaning, the shopping) whikst expecting to be grateful for his actually NOT very kind gesture.
A gesture is nice only if it’s valuable/a help/a nice time forvtye ither lersonal. The OP clearly doesn’t see that way. She sees the extra work involved. Which is fair enough