Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

I think a lot of the posters are missing the fact that OP has said she finds it stressful looking after her daughter for 3 full days because she doesn't normally do that.

It'll be good practise then.

Yep - I am in the "brat" camp. I guess you could just leave him and do it all on your own. From experience, I can tell you that is so much easier than having even a part time dad around to help 🙄 Perhaps stay at home and don't go on so many holidays. Then you won't be so resentful.

I don’t understand. You have to look after her for 3 days but are also working 3 days yourself so presumably he will have her on his own those days? One child, with no work or timetable to stick to, enough money to go out for the day it’ll be fine!

She’s right.

Everything we do involves stress of some kind - even the nice things. I am sure your dh is stressed with his working pattern yet he has the wherewithal to think about you and your needs - pays for nursery, gives you 1k spending money. In fact as I write this it makes me wonder if this is real. If it is I advise you to stop being self centred and think about someone else for a change.

Well, I have all of that plus a dodgy knee.

so better luck next time! 🤣

If your sister has dcs too what is her set up?

Someone contributing £1000 a month and paying nursery fees and you having one full day all to yourself every single week doesn't sound too bad to me tbh.

I suspect your sister's situation seems crap in comparison and she is annoyed at you moaning all the time.

Do you have many friends who are parents op?

😆😆

This is my situation: Husband lives here 9 days then away for 12. I work full time (barrister) mostly from home but also in Chambers and courts. We have a nanny live-in from 9 am Monday to the school drop off on Fridays. I have 3 aged 8, 6 and 4. This has always been our situation.

It is hard, of course it is. I do all nights (nanny there but not “at work”) though these obviously reduce over time, weekends and school runs by myself when nanny’s not “on”. I do get resentful that my husband doesn’t seem to know what I do, but it’s what I signed up for. I hoped it would change but I knew the risk that it wouldn’t. It hasn’t. How is that different to you?

You have parents where one or both work shifts, single parents, forces parents, two parents at home but with loopy schedules. Most families both parents work at least a bit. Most people don’t view work as “me time”. So what sounds silly is that you think you have it worse than others.

As they get older time with them does become more “family time” and less “second job”. I have learnt to like cooking. It makes some of the grind less. But bottom line, you’re no worse off or “on your own” than many others. You’ve got to dig in and look for the silver linings. Good luck.

No, of course it's not the OP's fault. But presumably she decided she wanted to keep the baby she'd conceived only a couple of months after she'd met DP. We don't know how he felt about that but an awful lot of men, sadly, would have cut and run and done the minimum they could get away with. I'm saying not that she should be grateful, but that in context he sounds quite supportive.

It's three years on now and they're making it work — and good for them, sounds as if they're both committed to creating a stable life for their daughter. I've no idea how much the CMS would have expected DP to pay, but it sounds as if he's approached this generously, funding childcare so that OP can continue to work FT and maintain her own earning-power, pension and career and also, from the sound of it, offering money to cover expenses when he's away working, and offering. breaks for them to spend some quality time together. And he seems to look after DD one day a week. That package is one that several married mums of my acquaintance, let alone single mothers trying to wring some money out of their exes, would regard as pretty good.

Did you ask was she ok? Has she money issues, work issues, does she get many holidays? Really sorry op but I never agree that going away is stressful, yes stressful things can happen on holidays or you can have a bad holiday but compared to everyday stuff I wouldn’t say stressful

Objectively your circumstances sound pretty positive to me but this doesn’t mean you can’t ever find things hard. I think what came through to me in your post is that you are a bit resentful about the fact that you are the main parent as your child is with you and your DP is away working. There are many who are the main (or only) parent who work full time and have no or limited financial support and no trips away so you are in a relatively good position. But the thing is, whatever the circumstances being a parent is exhausting. If your child was living with your DP and not you, that likely would be painful. If your DP moves in with you both, that will likely come with challenges too. All variations of parenting are hard in one way or another. Most people need a break at some point (and don’t get a day to catch up on house stuff). But it can also be wonderful too. I don’t mean you have to be dancing in meadows about how wonderful it is but just to remind yourself of the nice bits. It sounds like you feel your circumstances are not ideal but I don’t think anyone’s are and relatively speaking there are some positives in yours. Good luck xxx

Everyone needs a little moan now and then, and I think “other people have it worse so you can’t EVER complain about anything” types of sentiment are a bit silly.

However, people who moan a lot are so miserable and draining to be around. And it does feel worse when they do objectively have things pretty good. It does sound like your life is good, much easier than most people’s. I don’t think you’re right that most parents of small children get more time to themselves than you do - I’d kill for a day a week to myself!!

If you can truly, honestly say you rarely moan then I think your sister has been unkind. However I suspect that you might have a habit of moaning, and perhaps your sister reached her limit with the negativity.

@HornungTheHelpful

I do get resentful that my husband doesn’t seem to know what I do, but it’s what I signed up for. I hoped it would change but I knew the risk that it wouldn’t. It hasn’t.

but you've somehow now accepted that it is you that had to compromise.

@T1002 states

"I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week)."

You settled and accepted, sadly, as many women do, that you'd be the one to compromise?

So you ask her " How is that different to you?"

She's not in your position at all, she still has agency.

Well she isn’t doing all the childcare. Her child is in nursery. And yes she has said the child’s father works away a few days a week but we haven’t been told anything about how hands on he is as a parent the other days he is there.

And it is relevant that he pays for all of the nursery fees plus giving her extra money to spend on herself because it shows that she doesn’t need to be working and she is choosing too. so it isn’t just “basic stuff” that would be him contributing but not paying all.

It's all relative but TBH you sound spoilt. I get zero days off a week, regularly look after my young kids alone for weeks at a time on top of working full time, and my DH doesn't give me 'extra spending money'. A day a week off is a lot TBH. Perfectly fine to want to change things round if you feel like for example you want him to work less and look after DD more, and in exchange you work more. But sorry you IMO are doing very well compared to most parents of young kids.

That package is one that several married mums of my acquaintance, let alone single mothers trying to wring some money out of their exes, would regard as pretty good.

So it's the latter, she should be grateful because so many husbands/fathers are crap?

And it is relevant that he pays for all of the nursery fees plus giving her extra money to spend on herself because it shows that she doesn’t need to be working and she is choosing too.

What?

They aren't married and he gives her 1k. Why does this mean she doesn't need to work. And perhaps she likes her job.

It's 2025 ffs!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
God, I miss the laughing reaction.
Most parents have 1 parent doing most/all of the child care all week and single parents with shitty ex's are caring for the kids 365 days a year.
You have no idea how good you have it

What most people seem to have missed is that the OP got pregnant and had a baby very early in the relationship, possibly unplanned.

so motherhood isn’t necessarily something she had longed for, or thought about in great depth. But has essentially been left carrying the load (as indeed a lot of mothers do) when perhaps she wasn’t really at the point yet where she’d made a decision that that was what she was ready for.

it’s the lack of choice innit. She carries, births and does most of the care for a child and then also accommodates her partners wishes to live life the way he wants. The impact is all on her.

Good to see a sensible post on here. So many are in a race to the bottom.

Your sister sounds jealous

Just because you have it good compared to others, and you do, doesn't mean that its perfect and being the main caregiver is exhausting

When it comes to money and women working part time or being sah mums, other women get very jealous and angry - it seems those around you envy your set up so I definitely would not vent to your sister again

I'd be petty and inclined to wind her up a little bit by showcasing your free time on social media 🤭

Anything could happen in future, he could move abroad and stop paying at all. He could drop down to just the CMS amount.

It's good OP is building her career and pension and modelling working to her child.

Looking after your own child ALL week, heaven forbid🤦‍♀️

I just hope the OP's coming to a part of Norfolk with good wi-fi if she's working from home!

I agree. I think lots of people here are just focusing on the £ signs.

When men who live full time with their partner go out 4 times a week they are rightly pulled up on not being part of family life, yet OP is being told he has to be happy having a part time partner and father to her child.