Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

Yes most parents, especially mums, are doing it by themselves every week. You get an entire day off every week, I know 0 other women who get this!

You're only problem is you go on too many free holidays..... worlds smallest violin. You have the option to just not do this surely?

You are able to work full time to retain a good salary without losing anything to childcare and you get more spending money. Having a child can easily financially cripple most families but you are complaining you have things hard cause you have to raise your child (guess what we all do), you are financial very comfortable, without any career impact, you go on too many holidays and have a what seems like a lovely man who is kind, involved and gives you an entire day off every week.

My husband works such long hours so really isnt able to help much at all during the week, I do it all and this is the situation with the vast vast majority of my friends only they dont have the sort of financial security or free time you do.

Genuinely what more do you expect? Your sister was right to call you out

@CatHairEveryWhereNow did you even read your link? More mothers working full time doesn't mean the majority work full time. Your link confirms what I said....

"The proportion of mothers working part-time when they have young children has remained relatively static over the period, although it remains much higher than those working full-time."

And one child families are the most common size so again the majority now don't have more than one dc...

Try a holiday nanny ? They can do the clothes packing too

I don't get why people are being rude to you.
Going on holiday and your partner working for 3 days if it is shit.
With small kids it can be easier to be home.
You and him both work yet you do all the childcare on top.
You are not being bratty in the slightest. I don't understand these reactions.

Where does it say that the child’s Dad is hands off?

He’s paying for them to all go away so they can have quality time together. He has to work for a few days (in a job that pays for these privileges) and then will take the rest of the holiday off.

OP also says that the child’s father frequently makes an effort for them to go away as a family to spend quality time together.

It sounds like he has to work hard to earn the money he does but he is trying his hardest to balance that by having great quality time together.

You missed the part where even though they don’t combine finances her partner pays for their child’s nursery in full and also gives her extra “pocket money” to spend on herself as well as her own salary.

More women with toddler work than don't and more work full time than in past decades - given cost of living rises not a surprise. Most women with small kids are time poor - I'm frankly surpised anyone would argue otherwise.

I didn't say any of the above though? I said the majority of mothers with small dc do not work f/t.

And? She's still working full time and doing all the childcare.
Not sure how the father paying for his child is relevant. He should be. That's basic stuff

I don't understand these reactions

It's jealously

You missed the part where even though they don’t combine finances her partner pays for their child’s nursery in full and also gives her extra “pocket money” to spend on herself as well as her own salary.

He pays for his dc who lives with the OP, why does that upset you so much.

Not sure how the father paying for his child is relevant. He should be. That's basic stuff

I would think so but apparently not @4naans!

Please tell me some of these replies are just contrary because people can't really think like this?

You need to toughen up. I am a teacher so now spending the full summer holiday with my children with 0 family nearby. It made me laugh that you're stressed about 3 days with one child. It's ridiculously easy to entertain a child when you have no money worries - especially for only 3 days!

I think the day you gave birth was the day you stopped 'taking it slowly'!

Just a little reality check. No most people absolutely do not get time to themselves every week if they have young children.

many men do but that’s because their wives don’t get any

i have two young kids, we both work, we have nanny/nursery but I don’t get a whole day to myself every week (nor does my husband). Not even occasionally unless my mom comes over to take one child and my husband gets another

This is one of the most tone-deaf posts I've ever seen on here.

I think a lot of the posters are missing the fact that OP has said she finds it stressful looking after her daughter for 3 full days because she doesn't normally do that. Not because she has to do all the care. She basically does the morning and bedtime and other times DP is there or child is in nursery. Even this holiday which is 8 days she has only taken 3 days leave as she can work remotely so presumably whilst she is working DP will have child and they will spend some time together. If the time away is to stressful then she needs to say let's stay at home. But let's not pretend she is home alone all the time and DP is never there.

Moaning about looking after your own child for 3 days, get a grip.

oh stop it then. FGS you are a grown woman with a child and a job.

Just. Say. No. Or let him take DD away alone for a while. Does your sister get lots of lovely trips away? she probably thinks your next moan will be how your diamond shoes are too tight.

I don't think you are being a brat. I think you are trying to work out where you are in this relationship and family.

Your DP spends 4 out of 7 days on his own, with only himself to think about (plus the stress of his job and travel)... On the face of it.. he enjoys this nomadic lifestyle and sees taking you and DD away as something good.. you see it as another chore that does not give you a break from the 24/6.5 of parenting responsibility.

He pays for childcare, contributes towards your housing costs and pays for trips away.

However your life is, there are always compromises, work, leisure time, family time, housing costs, disposable income, saving for the future.. it is challenging when you find yourself in an unplanned situation, without having grown together, had fantasy life chats, worked out what makes each person happy...

Both of you have had to make major changes to your lives, perhaps you see that he gets more of what males him haopy, than you do, maybe he sees that he is giving you what he thinks you need... time away from the hum drum of life, whereas what you crave is more time alone.

How would you like this to work? That he takes your daughter away for a few days on his own, that he stays in your house, works from home, looks after your daughter while you go away on your own, that he spends more time with the three of you as a family in your home, would you rather he had his own place and your DD split her time between you or maybe here is another option.

You are in a good postion, that your finances are stable and that your partner contributes to your joint life, that does not mean that your should put up with a situation that does not make you feel happy.

If he didn't work away... how do you picture ypur lives? More equal share of household tasks, breakfast and dinner together, shared nursery drop offs, one evening per week of personal hobby time, some individual time at the weekends each while the other person is with your daughter..

What would make you feel happier, acknowledging that life is not perfect? Would personal and then couples counselling help you to understand how to improve your life?

Have you talked to him about how you feel? How does he feel? What I don't get from your post is joy... life is too short not to have some joy and love... find a way to build that in.. then the humdrum / life load / difficult moments... take up less space and are less heavy.

Yeeeesss... working either full-time or part-time and then coming home to look after the DC...

Don't know where I implied full time only?

But for what its worth, I'm full time with young DC so cheers for the judgey 👍

But for what its worth, I'm full time with young DC so cheers for the judgey

What was judgy about what I wrote? Are facts judgy?

Ah, well don’t use the fact that you are spending the whole summer with your children in an attempt to get one up on OP….I’ll be juggling looking after my children AND working all summer. Only 3 days a week though, so surely someone who works full time will come along soon to grump me there.

see how silly this is?

Yeeeesss... working either full-time or part-time and then coming home to look after the DC...

Don't know where I implied full time only?

If you're p/t with dc in nursery or school you are getting a break from dc. It's not the same as f/t but perhaps I am wrong on that.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch but I have 10 dc to look after and a sick parent whilst working 2 jobs!

Your not being unreasonable. Everyone has struggles, just because yours is different doesn't make it any less valid. But you do need to decide is the stress worth it or would be better alone?

You need to reframe those 3 days.

You are not "looking after" your child like a nursery, you are on holiday with them and have a chance to go out and enjoy time together. Have some fun fgs - seaside, playparks, waterparks, woodlands, zoos - the list is endless. No need to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. At 3, your daughter can begin to join in and you will form a decent bond beyond that of caregiver.