Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

So he's basically paying you to look after his daughter. Seems to me he looks at it as a business arrangement. He covers expenses but he sees himself pretty much as hands off for the caring part of things.,

Only have one day to yourself a week !?! LOL

I guess you chose to have a baby in a semi-detached relationship, so in that way YABU. No amount of money can compensate for the energy-sapping responsibility of (largely) single parenthood so your sister is BU.

Basically, if you don't want to go on these trips then don't go!

Not packing...oh the humanity!!!!

Except the 3 days in the week he's at home and the one full day on the weekend he takes dd out so op has the day to herself?

Come on, such a stretch to say it is the dp at fault here

I have a friend currently in hospital with one of her two children. She is regularly in hospital with them as they have complex medical needs. She runs the ship as she is a single mum. When she goes on holiday with both of them she is on her own and one has complex medical needs. She never moans about it.

you sound like a brat.

“I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days” Oh dear. You might as well use this opportunity to start practicing looking after your child for a prolonged period of time. Not long till they start school, which will involve looking after your child during school holidays…
YABVU.

I'm fully team sister, I'm afraid.

The child is 3 - not in school yet.

I'd assume most are talking about when kids are pre-school - once in school trips away are a lot harder to fit in and that may be why the DP wants to fit so many in now - though OP can still say no.

Though many mothers I knew started back at work if they'd stopped or upped their hours when youngest was at school - or if they were down to one child at home -( as many/most mothers manage mulpile kids not just one 3 year old )- often started courses with an eye to getting back to workplace.

So really not sure this is a big gotcha. Most mothers with 3 year old are working/doing childcare and don't get entire days to themsleves - OP is lucky to get that - it's a lovely to have and well done her for getting it becuase it would have made me a better parent with that mental space - doesn't mean she won't struggle in a strange place with a three year old.

You sound very very bratty I'm gonna be honest. Yes, most parents are doing it all week. I'm a single mum, my kids spend 4-6 nights a month at their dads. Monday-Friday every week and some weekends they're with me, no family support to help, no friends to help. We survive because we have to, you are extremely privileged and your sister was absolutely correct. You should look at the 3 days as time to bond and enjoy with your daughter.

@CatHairEveryWhereNow but i am
talking about the people on the thread now not the OP. It's not meant to be a gotcha, I just find it interesting that so many are bitter towards the OP but have time to be on MNs?

And statistically most mothers of 3 yrs olds don't work f/t. Working hours increase as dc get older.

as many/most mothers manage mulpile kids not just one 3 year old

They don't now with birth rates as they are.

If anything this thread says more about fathers & the incredibly low expectations of them. The OP is a brat because so many here have shit ex partners.

Thank god it's not reflective of my reality. I must be an uber brat!!

I think the problem here is a largely disengaged man who throws money at the situation but offers little practical help or emotional support.

As the baby was on the way from the off, there has likely been little time to actually grow a relationship in its own right. And the OP is likely cautious to let him in too much due to this. The relationship still finding its way. And that will likely remain the case until the little girl is quite a bit older.

The OP must feel like she met a man and then immediately her life changed and she lost herself a bit along the way.

Why do you think that?
Many married working mums (not to mention single mums) do most of the childcare day in day out if husband works longer hours / away.

This with bells on!!! The bar set on mn for men is SO low it’s depressing.

Being taken away on paid for holidays and having to look after your own child for 3 days are not what I would call "struggles"

Yep, your sister is sleeping with your partner

I don't think you are being a brat. Sounds like you are stressed and this comes with the territory when you have a 3 year old, whatever our circs we worry if we are doing the right thing and also get stressed about details. i think you will look back in the future and be grateful for what you have, but even being aware of the positives now will not stop the stressing out.

Sounds like there is something else bugging your sister - is her set up less good than yours? it sounds as though this is a sister relationship problem more than a you are a brat problem. It might be that the relationship is no longer a "i can moan and it will then be forgotten" kind. I agree with you, sounded like just a moan which you would then forget about to me.

In relation to the 3 days you are stressing over, look up on the internet all the children activities in the area you are visiting, the child friendly cafes, the play areas, the inside activities, the parks, plan your 3 days ahead of time - and enjoy!

@babyproblems it's depressing. Is it an age thing as I know MNs users are a bit older?

@T1002

I don’t think you sound like a brat. I think your life has gone in a direction that you didn’t perhaps plan - and you’re questioning your future/moving in together etc.

You lost your independence, and - as with many women - the mental load, organising, working falls on you.

Just my opinion, but I think it works best if one person out of the couple works part time, takes a back foot with career so they can prioritise the child.

And your sister - maybe she wants children, a family or a partner?? - and perhaps doesn’t realise the difficulties of being in a work/childcare/loss of independence situation.

If the parents aren’t doing it all week then who is?!! Dear me. Echo what someone else said - don’t have another kid if just one stresses you out this much!

I don't think you're being a brat. But maybe be aware of who you're offloading too? Even though you can seemingly be financially stable, go away on several trips and so on, that sometimes things do get too much and you need a break from all the childcare, housework etc but to some people all they see is you have more than them and compare.

I get feeling stressed, but a day to yourself every week is not normal. I think I know two people that get that in all of the many people with kids I knows. I think an adjustment in expectations is worth considering

Some of that birth rate is women not having kids and according to ONS 2 kids is the most number of kids in UK - though I grant single kids are getting more common more so in very expensive areas like London which may skew perception for some.

In England there are now around 133,000 more mothers, whose youngest child is a toddler, in employment in 2017 (65.1%), compared with 1997 (55.8%). This was largely driven by an increase in full-time employment.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/moremotherswithyoungchildrenworkingfulltime/2017-09-26

More women with toddler work than don't and more work full time than in past decades - given cost of living rises not a surprise. Most women with small kids are time poor - I'm frankly surpised anyone would argue otherwise.

As for replies well this is AIBU which has a repulation of being like this - I'm more concerned it's spreading to other boards as routine TBH.

The Op needs talk to her DP she has agency.

She is luckier than many something to consider when talking to her sister and other especially other mothers but that doesn't mean she can't improve her own situation by talking to her child's father.

I assume this post is a joke. Not that it's funny, but it certainly can't be serious. 🙄