Feeling defensive, but is she right that I need a reality check here?

[T1002]

Something has been playing on my mind for a few weeks now and I feel I need to put it to mumsnetters for some brutal opinions! So here we go…

Me and DD’s dad had her within a year of meeting. It was not a great time and it took us a while to come to terms with it but we succeeded. She’s now 3.

I have a decent job with decent pay. Dp out earns me by quite a bit and as he has to travel a lot for his job he sends me extra spending money each month in the region of 1k. He also covers nursery costs. I wasn’t willing to give up my home and combine assets until we are married so he rents his home out (but he travels so much he’s only really here with us 3 nights a week).

I am giving background for context.

Anyway, DP is keen to go on trips with us and take annual leave for this so he can spend more time with us. Every 4-8 weeks we do a trip and he’s now booked a trip to Norfolk in a week, during which time he will have to work 3 of the 8 days we are away. I can work remotely so I have taken off 3 days to look after Dd. DP pays for 90% of these trips and I get a few coffees or whatever.

A couple of weeks ago I was explaining to my sister that I feel stressed about having to look after dd alone for 3 days in Norfolk and I wasn’t looking forward to it as I felt DP should have taken off the whole week. I was just having a moan, I feel like most care of dd falls on me. My sister was uncharacteristically direct and said I was being a brat, I needed a reality check, she couldn’t listen to this nonsense… comments like this. She fell out with me and said I needed to look at my life compared to others and stop being so negative.

I am really hurt by these comments and feel it’s incredibly unfair after the way I had dd and the unsettled initial months. It wasn’t the easiest time. Yes I work from home and have flexibility and nursery paid for but it’s still me doing most care outside these hours and realistically nothing can make up for that. Going on trips every few weeks is still sometimes as stressful as being at home as I have to pack and get ready for it. I have only one day a week to do my own thing (when.dp takes dd out on a Saturday) then Sunday is a family day which is nice. But I don’t feel this is free time when I work full time! I feel like I can’t share frustrations with my sister anymore. AIBU?

@Ninja2 are they? says who?

15 hours are universal aren't they?

Would you like to explain how he’s being shit?

But usually if they work part time, in the hours they’re not working they’re caring for their young DC. That’s certainly the experience of me and the vast majority of parents I know, anyway.

Because this man isn't married to the OP, doesn't live with them and had the opportunity to walk away before the baby was born. He actually seems to be rather more hands-on and certainly more generous and involved that an awful lot of the men married to MN posters.

And thats the OPs fault? Or she should be more grateful because so many on MNs had dc with dickheads?

Yes… what’s your point?
I don’t know why you’re taking such great umbrage to what I’m saying, based on my experience. I personally know very few parents of young children who regularly have a full day off to themselves. I don’t know why you’re suggesting I’m lying, but it’s a bit odd.

@Ninja2 But that's not my experience. The OP gets a Saturday to herself not a weekday. I know families with similar set ups and I know single parents who have ex partners who share custody and the load.

I think you’re incredibly lucky. Most women could only dream about your situation.

Ok.

11 pages later and I'm still trying to figure out wtf this means. Who do you think is doing it

@Ninja2 I don't know why you taking umbrage with what I am saying? The majority of mothers with young dc do not work according to the statistics which is a better gauge than "people I know".

I don't understand why so many want to tear into the OP, she can still be struggling.

Most people get time to themselves so I don’t think that’s unusual, it’s only one day and I’m usually clearing up from the week

Many people don't get any time to themselves, and never manage to clear up from the week. That's stressful.

I think you’re incredibly lucky. Most women could only dream about your situation.

This is the crux of it. The bar for some reason on MNs for men is so low that the OP isn't allowed to complain.

How is ‘ok’ taking umbrage? 😂

Incredible. I don’t have appropriate words for this level of batshittery. Yes people look after their own kids. WTAF.

@Ninja2 I didn't see your ok till I posted. What in my posts replied I was taking umbrage?

All of it, really. But anyway, you’re right, I’m wrong. Happy? Can we leave it there?

All the people who have been on this thread for hours telling the OP no mothers get time to themselves where are your dc? Mine are in school...

Objectively, you do have it much easier than many. I think I’ve had about 10 days to myself in as many years as a single parent. Everyone is entitled to their feelings though, so if these frequent trips feel a bit much, don’t have so many. Can I ask what your sister’s set up is like compared to yours? You can feel however you feel, but sometimes it’s about reading the room.

@Ninja2 do you need to have the last word or are you happy to leave it here?

appreciate how good you’ve got it OP. Some people are single parents and doing it on their own all the time. Some parents have partners who go away for months at a time for work and have to do it all on their own. Some parents are working multiple jobs and juggling childcare and shift patterns and no time to themselves. They don’t get down time.

I recently had 4 months of doing everything solo and it was brutal. Not a single day of downtime. You’re in a very fortunate position. I understand these things can be overwhelming and difficult (I had my own moments like these before DHs job became more demanding). Try to focus on the good in your set up and appreciate it as a lot of people would be envious

Most people with kids do not have ‘time’ to themselves. I’m thinking your resenting your P being away at work a lot and then when he wants to be together your having pack/ whatever because he wants a holiday together rather than just being around the house together relaxing

bloody hell this has touched my nerve having spent the last 10 days solo parenting a non-sleeping 8 month old. What an amazing set up you have.

If I was your sister I’d have been much ruder to you!

I'd agree with this.

A few lucky parents had DGP help - they'd have kids one day a weekend or overnightand the parents would usually be completely oblivious to how lucky there were to get that.

Some seperated families get every other weekend off - but often it doesn't happen or it gets cut short - or when it is reliable sometime the mother's often working those hours.

So yes most mothers I knew never had a day off - I'd have been a better parent to my kids with either more support - DH was great - or more/any recuperating time and frankly less money worried. Parenting while very unwell was eye opening experience - I was ill a lot when kids were young as undelying condition wasn't caught for years.

Having said that that yes OP is lucky in many ways - she still finding 3 days in new place in sole charge dauting - and frankly I can see why - but she needs to talk to her DP not just moan to others.

I wouldn't say you're being a brat, but that your DP is proposing a way of living that you really don't like. The money isn't the main point. I wouldn't like having to care for a 3 year old in a variety of different environments. I wouldn't like to have to pack and unpack every month or so, and sort the house out for time away. Can you talk to DP about finding a compromise that perhaps involves him spending some annual leave at home and some on holiday?