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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
Kurokurosuke · 09/07/2025 18:51

Dunno about you, but I am jealous of your SIL’s life! Sounds amazing!

Wishimaywishimight · 09/07/2025 18:51

They sound very happy. You, on the other hand sound bitter and jealous.

GameOfJones · 09/07/2025 18:51

Mate....jealousy is a really ugly emotion. I assume you're the same age as me if you're horn in '87 and you really are old enough to have learned this by now.

Why do you say your brother has an "office." It is his home office, he works from home..... your tone reeks of judgement. Same when you say your SIL "claims to have a health issue."

Your brother and SIL sound like they have a happy, peaceful life. You sound deeply unpleasant and unhappy. Anyone that knows your DB and SIL is going to read this and know your nasty thoughts. It's pretty identifying.

It is not your SIL's fault that you have a spare room full of crap. Focus on sorting your own life out.

You're right on the full time dog mum being cringeworthy though!

OutingHobbyWife · 09/07/2025 18:52

Oh you are so very jealous! Sounds fab to me (though I think dc would be pissed if I swapped them for a dog Grin).

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 09/07/2025 18:52

@Nurseamy87 She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. you just sound horribly jealous!!! In fact, not just horribly jealous but horrible!!

holysmokee · 09/07/2025 18:52

Your brother sounds like my DH, a wonderful and supportive husband. You do sound very jealous, I would be so happy for my SIL if she was in her position and able to peruse her passions.

TwiceForLunch · 09/07/2025 18:53

It's so not up to you to take your brother aside and have a word about how she should live in the real world. They are happy. You are seeing what they wish to tell you and the wider public. There may be more to it, like a chronic illness.

Anyway- there are precious few decent jobs around. Good on her freeing one up for someone who may actually need it.

Kurokurosuke · 09/07/2025 18:53

MellowPinkDeer · 09/07/2025 18:46

Anyone that considers themselves a ‘dog mum’ is lacking in other areas of their life imo. Don’t be jealous, she literally has no purpose, who would seriously want a life like that?!

Me!!!!! Sign me up!

BarilynBordeaux · 09/07/2025 18:53

It’s one thing to be jealous of someone’s life, but to actively trash talk her to her own husband and try to persuade him to take it away from her because you can’t contain your envy is on another level. Get some help. You sound so bitter and cross.

Iceplanet · 09/07/2025 18:53

Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's understandable to be a bit jealous, sounds like you are doing a difficult job in healthcare with little wealth reward to show for it.
It's human to look at your SILs seemingly handier lifestyle and compare your lot. Don't beat yourself up for feeling jealous, you can't help how you feel. However, YABU to interfere in your brothers marriage and life choices. That's not up to you. It's also not fair to resent your SIL, she has made her life choices and she has to live with the downsides to it.

I wouldn't want to live a life like your SIL, I wouldn't want to live off a man (or anyone else so long as I am lucky enough to be able to support myself) I would be bored silly and feel no sense of achievement or purpose in my life. We are all different though and we have to live and let live.

Be proud of yourself for working a difficult job making a difference to the patients who need you and only concern yourself with building your own life. I think minding our own business is key to happiness with these things.

This is not about your SIL, it's about you not being happy in your life. Make a plan to change it.

Just to add....surely the dog mom bit on social media is tongue in cheek?

Coolpotatoface · 09/07/2025 18:54

Op has flounced off I see 🤣

Mucholderlittlewiser · 09/07/2025 18:54

Mind your own damn business.

fatphalange · 09/07/2025 18:55

Get a grip, you nutter 😂

junkmaail · 09/07/2025 18:55

You sound like a dickhead to be honest.

Hollowvoice · 09/07/2025 18:56

If they are both happy it is no-one else's business.

morningtoncrescent62 · 09/07/2025 18:56

They "inexplicably" own a three-bedroom house, then you go on to give a perfectly sensible explanation of the way they use the three rooms. Presumably you don't think your brother should WTH balancing his laptop on his knee on the sofa in the living room - or do you? She's keeping the house nice and studying. Good for her. My slight concern would be about her pension. If she's studying and intending to return to work once she's qualified in whatever it is, fair enough. If not I hope she's making arrangements so that she won't be left high and dry should anything go wrong with their marriage. Other than that, butt out.

I'm on my own in a three-bed flat BTW. It's the home in which I brought up my two DDs and I haven't got round to selling yet. Is that explanation enough?

Mrsttcno1 · 09/07/2025 18:57

Agree with others- get a grip. She doesn’t need a job, her & her husband are completely happy and can afford the way things currently are.

And no, I don’t think the real world is the way you describe it. My husband & I bought a 3 bed semi long before we had or were thinking about any children- why would we not buy the house we wanted, with the space wanted, which we could afford, just because you can’t do the same?

alexalisten · 09/07/2025 18:57

Can't you just be happy for others. This does not effect you in the slightest. If you dont like your life only you can change it making everyone around you miserable will not change your life.

AgnesX · 09/07/2025 18:57

Jeezo, that's a big case of the green eyed monster.

Your sil is happy, your brother is happy, what's the big deal. Anything else is absolutely none of your business, keep your mouth closed and your opinion to yourself.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/07/2025 18:57

Her life sounds lovely. Yours doesn’t. Who is winning at life?

C403541 · 09/07/2025 18:58

Wow. It’s none of your business! Don’t start making trouble in your brother’s happy marriage.

Summerartwitch · 09/07/2025 18:58

You need to focus on your own life...

How your brother and his wife choose to live is not your business.

If you are unhappy with your own life, then take steps to improve it rather than obsessing about your SIL and trying to create drama between her and her husband.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 09/07/2025 18:58

Sounds like they have a lovely life, good for them. You sound bitter and jealous.

I lived in a 4 bedroom house, just me and my little dog. I had my bedroom, my office, a dressing room and a guest room. The audacity! I only downsized as I got bored of cleaning it. Should have moved into a studio flat according to you.

heroinechic · 09/07/2025 18:58

Do you know what would be crazy? Your sister in law to working 40 hours per week in a job she didn’t enjoy when they don’t need the money and have no children to provide for.

Stop whispering to your brother about it and butt out.

Anjo2011 · 09/07/2025 18:59

If they are happy with it then it’s no concern for anyone else.