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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
Firealarm1414 · 09/07/2025 18:25

Just because they don't have kids its "inexplicable" to you that they live in a 3 bedroom house? Tiny studio apartments should only be allowed for the child free? Lol. If they are happy with this set up then good for them, and its really none of your business

You sound fed up with your own working situation so are projecting. Can you work on getting a better work/life balance rather than being jealous and bitter? For your own sake, these type of feelings arent helpful or healthy at all.

BendingSpoons · 09/07/2025 18:25

The house sounds lovely. They are making use of the 3 bedrooms, plus will presumably have more downstairs space.

I personally wouldn't be very impressed at supporting a partner who didn't work. However if they are both happy, have enough money and she uses some of the time to tidy/cook etc, I can see that it works for them. Hopefully they have enough money for retirement if she won't have much pension.

Unfortunately it does seem like you are a bit jealous, which is understandable.

thesnailandthewhale · 09/07/2025 18:25

Perhaps they bought the house with the intention of having a family but that hasn't happened for them? She may look at you, or others, and wish for their life ...

Perhaps they bought the house as a good investment ...

Perhaps they thought their own family would be happy for them 🙄

ShamrockShenanigans · 09/07/2025 18:25

Unless this is a childish reverse, of course you're jealous and you know it.

Comedycook · 09/07/2025 18:25

All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk

Well tidy it then. It's hardly her fault your box room is full of junk.

Isimplywaited · 09/07/2025 18:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2025 18:26

Stop being so jealous op

youreactinglikeafunmum · 09/07/2025 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I was on that thread with a different name and got shade 😭

There was another one where I got SLATED omg by working mums angry at sah mums

Yeoldlondoncheese · 09/07/2025 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

😂 I was just thinking I’m sure I’ve seen this ‘concerned’ sister thread recently

butterdish93 · 09/07/2025 18:28

Life is for being happy. Not for slaving away in a thankless job that you dislike and hating everyone who doesn’t do that.
I have big respect for people that don’t stick to the status quo and make their lives enjoyable. I have little respect for those who are petty and interfering and think everyone should be in some miserable rat race

ObelixtheGaul · 09/07/2025 18:28

If they can afford a three bedroomed house, why the hell shouldn't they have one? I don't get this idea that those of us without children apparently shouldn't enjoy having a bit of room.

My husband and I have two bedrooms and a box room that does count as a third bedroom in estate agent language but would only just get a small single bed in it.

I really don't understand what's inexplicable about it. We have a spare room for visitors and a hobby room. Why shouldn't we?

Why shouldn't your SIL and brother?

Or should everyone without kids live in one bedroomed flats?

Needmorelego · 09/07/2025 18:29

Yes you're jealous.
Sorry. But you are.

Thedogscollar · 09/07/2025 18:29

Jealousy is such a wasted emotion. It eats you up, consumes your thoughts and makes you miserable. I'll never understand it.

Your brother and SIL are happy. I'd concentrate on what you have achieved within your own life. If you are unhappy at work apply for another.

I also work in the NHS so I know what it's like but that is not your SIL's fault. Don't let your irrational thinking impact on your life. Strive to do better.

AndImBrit · 09/07/2025 18:29

Definitely jealous. I have a 4 bed house (one bedroom, two office rooms and a dressing room with en suite), a DH, a DDog and no intention to have kids.

I’m one promotion (less than 5 years) away from my DH giving up his job to be a house husband in his 40s. He probably won’t describe himself as a full time dog dad though - that bits a bit cringe. But their lifestyle is aspirational to me.

BedlingtonWillow · 09/07/2025 18:29

Sounds great to me.

Meadowfinch · 09/07/2025 18:30

There are two of us living in a four bed house OP. Does that enrage you? Shock horror, I am a single mum too. When ds heads off to uni, I might live here on my own.

I have spent 15 years returning it from a leaking wreck to usable housing stock. Am I allowed to keep it or does it breach your view of 'craziness'.

People are entitled to spend their money as they wish, without checking if you approve.

nomas · 09/07/2025 18:30

I don’t know why so many siblings get so jealous when their siblings financially support a spouse.

He is not your husband, you can’t have his money!

MaturingCheeseball · 09/07/2025 18:32

“I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness” - you cheeky mare!

And why ‘office’ in inverted commas for your brother? Can’t he have an office but by rights should perch on the edge of the kitchen table?

Jamesblonde2 · 09/07/2025 18:32

I think your brother is being a bit of a mug, but where I think YABU….What is the problem with 3 beds for 2 of them? Surely it gives them more living space downstairs, which you may not get with a 2 bed. And even if she didn’t use the 3rd bedroom, that could be a guest room. You don’t just buy tiny house because 1 or 2 people live there. You want living space for where you live.

Her dog mummy comments are cringey, I’ll give you that. She doesn’t have children so she’s not a mother. The dictionary clarifies that.

BMW6 · 09/07/2025 18:33

Oh dear OP, your jealousy is unhealthy for you.

Skybyrd · 09/07/2025 18:33

Yeah, you're jealous.

My DH (of 30+ years) enjoys that I no longer work (health issues in my case, but still...) because he sees loads more of me when he WFH, than when I was out of the house 7.0am-6.30pm every day. Plus he now needs to do very little around the house, he just works, does a little gardening, does his evening dog walk for some fresh air and exercise and relaxes. We're much (financially) poorer on one income, but very, very happy.

We don't have/have never had a junk room either, we have his office/guest room, my office/garden sitting room and our bedroom (plus sitting room, kitchen etc.) Surely junk storage a really wasteful use of a room in a smallish house/flat?

I'm going to steal the term 'full time dog mum', I love it!

If you're not happy with your life then why not work towards changing it! Life is too short to be unnecessarily miserable or stressed.

Tiredandtiredagain · 09/07/2025 18:34

Tidy your junk
get a new job
MYOB

Juniperberry55 · 09/07/2025 18:34

@Nurseamy87 sorry yep you're jealous, it sounds like both of them are happy with their relationship and situations. Leave them to it. Some people live differently
I inexplicably live in a 3 bedroom house on my own, use one room as my office as I work from home a lot and the other spare room mainly houses my cats litter box 😂. I do have some debt and I do work, so there are plenty more comfortable than me. Also you said she claims she has a health issue, maybe she does and if so she may feel equally jealous of your lack of health issue
If their lives are upsetting you so much then look to see what you can do to change your own, don't feel bitter about those who are in a better position than you, that won't improve anything for you

Ilikewinter · 09/07/2025 18:34

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. .....well will I piss you off when I tell you DH & I have a 4 bedroom house, no kids and a dog .... with 2, yes 2 offices because we both WFH 🤣

Zempy · 09/07/2025 18:35

You sound horribly jealous. SIL is studying full time whilst her DH supports her. So what? It’s not affecting your life in the slightest.

Give your head a giant wobble

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