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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
ThisTicklishFatball · 10/07/2025 15:45

I've already shared my thoughts in this thread.
It seems like many are turning against OP's SIL and DB.
OP's DB and SIL are in a much better position than those who rely on state benefits and choose not to work despite being capable. They aren't draining resources from the state to support their lifestyle, unlike others.
Those making baseless claims about OP's SIL, such as saying she will be destitute after a divorce, are mistaken. She won't be; she'll receive half of her DH's assets and could live off state benefits if she wanted.
Some people are showing fake concern over OP's SIL's financial situation and making assumptions about it. From OP's post, it seems her SIL studies from home, which suggests she could be enrolled in Open University or another highly rated online university. Her studies could be funded by herself through smart financial choices in the past, or she might come from a very wealthy family. No need to assume she needs her DH to pay for it, as she appears to be financially savvy.

notacooldad · 10/07/2025 16:11

I completely agree that their set up is entirely up to them and that it sounds great. However there’s a fairly stark difference on here to basically any thread with SAHMs, where they’re often told that they shouldn’t be letting a man keep them and they should get a job and contribute to the family finances, it’s not fair for the man to carry the financial burden etc.
The difference is though is that any thread with the SAHM's is that they are usually asking for advice because they have found themselves in a predicament.
On this post someone is sticking their beak into someone's byusness without knowing all the facts.
We don't know SIL's financial situation apart from the fact she is currently studying.

Because she's a grown , married woman now who needs to grow up and get a job in the real world like everyone else! Sounds like she's wanting to stay a student forever..she sounds completely immature and child like.
The ops post could be about my aunty. My aunt and uncle lived in a huge house with no children. They hardly told anyone that they were desperate for them.
My aunty seemed to be livng the good life like SIL but she didn't disclose until she had to about her MS and that was when it was so bad it was clear something was badly wrong.
She couldn't work because of her blinding headaches that were unpredictable and her wobbliness that sometimes happened and so on
When she wasn't good we didn't see her and she would say she was busy
We didn't find out all these things until after her death.

The point of this is you have absolutely no idea what's going on to pass judgement about someone that may or may not exist and saying that they should work is bonkers!

Ninja2 · 10/07/2025 16:13

The difference is though is that any thread with the SAHM's is that they are usually asking for advice because they have found themselves in a predicament

Not necessarily. I mentioned being a happy SAHM once and was told I must have no self respect, I was probably boring and had nothing to talk about and that they felt sorry for my husband for having the financial burden all on him, by multiple posters!
ETA I should have said I was a happy dog mum (I do actually have a dog!), I’d have got more support 😉

notacooldad · 10/07/2025 16:20

Not necessarily. I mentioned being a happy SAHM once and was told I must have no self respect, I was probably boring and had nothing to talk about and that they felt sorry for my husband for having the financial burden all on him, by multiple posters!
People are knobheads.
They wouldn't have said anything to your face if they met you though!!

Praying4Peace · 10/07/2025 17:03

howaboutchocolate · 09/07/2025 20:48

I find this thread so fascinating because usually on mumsnet if a sahm says she doesn't work but her kids are at school, she's met with "what do you do all day?" "I could never be financially dependent on my DH" etc etc with the implication that she should be working. But if you're child free then it's fine?

Equally, if a man was living off his wife's salary so he could study and look after the dog, there would be many cock lodger type comments.

Spot on

ScouserInExile · 10/07/2025 17:05

pushthebuttonnn · 10/07/2025 11:09

C'mon it is a bit strange that he's keeping her in this day and age..paying for her food and clothing and a roof over her head.. like she's a child.
She should be working full stop.

Edited
Show quote history

Why? If they can live happily on one salary - as we do - then why should it bother you?

ScouserInExile · 10/07/2025 17:10

pushthebuttonnn · 10/07/2025 02:12

Absolutely!! Crazy people here who chop and change 🤣 I think it's a strange set up and she seems lazy and unmotivated. I would be ridiculed by my ILs if dh kept me. Even with dc.

Show quote history

How do you know she's lazy and unmotivated? You don't know what she's studying for, or how far she walks in a day, so what qualifies you to make these accusations?

dottiehens · 10/07/2025 18:11

What is wrong with you? They can live however they want and it is not your business. You despise their happiness because you are unhappy in your job. You are judgemental and intrusive. I really hope you do not go great lengths to make this happy couple miserable.

BMW6 · 10/07/2025 18:58

Lol the OP is never coming back 😂

MuckFusk · 10/07/2025 19:21

Regarding this nonsense saying the SIL should get a job, she needs the education she is undergoing to get a decent job. How ridiculous it is to expect people to give up the studies which enable them to get a good job so they can work in some low wage job.

NarnianQueen · 10/07/2025 21:24

It’s funny that you say it’s “not realistic” for most 40 somethings to have a spare room… it obviously is reality for them!

Jennps · 10/07/2025 21:27

Wait until they split up and she will need to find someone else to sponge off. But that’s fine as long as it’s not the taxpayer. Their business.

ScouserInExile · 10/07/2025 21:29

Jennps · 10/07/2025 21:27

Wait until they split up and she will need to find someone else to sponge off. But that’s fine as long as it’s not the taxpayer. Their business.

What a vile comment!

BIossomtoes · 10/07/2025 21:30

Jennps · 10/07/2025 21:27

Wait until they split up and she will need to find someone else to sponge off. But that’s fine as long as it’s not the taxpayer. Their business.

Unlikely. He’s besotted.

Tangerinenets · 10/07/2025 21:33

Yes you are being unreasonable . My kids are all adults. I left work 19 years ago and just never went back 🤷

Chazbots · 10/07/2025 21:41

Brother sounds lovely and looks like he's tolerant of his batshit sister's opinions.

abracadabra1980 · 10/07/2025 22:25

Wow. They seem SO happy. You; not so much. And it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. Period.

Kattley · 10/07/2025 22:32

Jennps · 10/07/2025 21:27

Wait until they split up and she will need to find someone else to sponge off. But that’s fine as long as it’s not the taxpayer. Their business.

Nasty case of jealousy there

WaneyEdge · 10/07/2025 23:10

DH and I have no kids and own a three bedroom house. Why is it ‘inexplicable’? If I/we are buying something I’ll buy whatever size of it I damn well please.

ScouserInExile · 10/07/2025 23:17

WaneyEdge · 10/07/2025 23:10

DH and I have no kids and own a three bedroom house. Why is it ‘inexplicable’? If I/we are buying something I’ll buy whatever size of it I damn well please.

Likewise, no kids, we've owned a 3 bedroomed house since we were in our twenties. I don't see why we should feel guilty about it. We don't lead an extravagant lifestyle at all.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/07/2025 23:58

Her life sounds lovely. Yours doesn’t. I can never understand people who buy dogs and then take them to a dog sitter. That very notion screams that you don’t have the lifestyle to suit having a dog.

echt · 11/07/2025 02:27

@howaboutchocolate I find this thread so fascinating because usually on mumsnet if a sahm says she doesn't work but her kids are at school, she's met with "what do you do all day?" "I could never be financially dependent on my DH" etc etc with the implication that she should be working. But if you're child free then it's fine?
Equally, if a man was living off his wife's salary so he could study and look after the dog, there would be many cock lodger type comments

But this isn't a SHAM posting, it's her SIL.
The SIL and DB are perfectly happy with the situation.
Never seen a cocklodger comment that wasn't based on a complaint by the OP, which is not the case here.
I've seen women posters criticised for leeching off men, which as the SIL and DB are happy, she isn't.

In other words, if only the OP had posted an entirely different thread. Hmm

Ava40 · 13/07/2025 14:06

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

Not really sure that its any of your concern. Leave them be if they are happy

Nothanks17 · 13/07/2025 14:08

You seem hateful. The bio is just a joke, lots of people refer to themselves as dog mums, doesn't mean she is not doing a job to be one. And why would you challenge what another adult does in their life with their partner, in polite terms, none of your fucking business. You do not consult and judge another human being with their partner. She's doing nothing crazy or wrong, shes reevaluated and changing the course of her vocational future to suit her and your brother, doesn't affect you.

In my kinder words, it seems you are resentful and perhaps need to make changes to your own life to not behave like this. If you carry on like this it will be at a detriment to who you are.

genesis92 · 13/07/2025 14:26

I don’t think this relates to your SIL, but 25% of the population are on PIP. That tells you everything about your responses