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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
Strawberrypie33 · 13/07/2025 14:26

You sound very green with envy and I get you we all want a life were cleaning your house and having hobbies is all we require for life but unfortunately some of us need to work to get by. It sounds like SIL has it all together financially and education wise.

Best thing to do is too mind your own and find some form of happiness for yourself.

WaterOfADucksBack · 13/07/2025 14:27

They sound so loving and happy and have a stress free work and romance balance.

Why not talk to them and explain you are tired and overworked and underpaid and do they have any ideas to share on how to change path and achieve similar lifestyles.
Three heads are better than one.

Maybe you can leave the NHS. Though I do have a charge nurse friend for the NHS and she says their are people in work to talk to and she says it is hard in the NHS. Shes been there 20 years and did look into other roles but feels she is meant to be there. But in your case why not ask them for ideas.

Or what do you love? Find what you love and make a career from it, if its dogs, set up a dog sitting business, they are £14 and hour here.
If its decluttering, set up a cleaning business.
If its abstract art, do some classes privately etc.

The world is your oyster. The only person stopping you is you.

siucra · 13/07/2025 14:47

I think they sound like a lovely couple. And you are being horrible. Stop quizzing her and him about their life choices and examine your own. Be a nicer person, OP! You sound mean and jealous.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 13/07/2025 14:58

How's this your business?

WasThatACorner · 13/07/2025 15:04

They're happy. Leave them alone and look at your own life / choices if you're not happy with your own life.

Shortbread90 · 13/07/2025 15:05

You are clearly jealous. So what if they have a 3 bedroom house with 2 spare room? Majority of houses have 3 bedrooms it's standard. So what if she doesn't work. Is it against the law? If one person is covering the bills and there not relying on benefits then again what's the problem? Please focus on your own life and making it better rather than being jealous of others.

ginasevern · 13/07/2025 15:20

Why is their ownership of a 3 bed house "inexplicable". That's an odd assertion. A 3 bed house isn't exactly gob smackingly outrageous and lots of people aren't rammed to capacity in their homes. But great idea to tell him that his beloved wife is a total waste of space. Be sure to tell him that you also know far better how he should live his life than he does himself. He's obviously a deluded fool. That should end well. Come back and let us know.

ForJollyLemonZebra · 13/07/2025 15:38

Craziness ??.. there are living the life they choose...3 bedroom house normal...not extravagant...Good luck to them...can't believe this is even a thing...!

CharlieEffie · 13/07/2025 16:24

If he can support them both and there happy why does he have to tell her to get a job?? You would clearly do the same if you could. Your just jealous lol 😆

Poodlelove · 13/07/2025 16:52

She is the dogs Mummy and she is studying and wife .
Be happy for them , I am a doggy Mum to 3 , our human children are married and have their own home.
I work part time because our dogs need walks and time spent with them and we go to the dog cafe and they meet up with their mates and we have a chat with other dog parents.
We don't go.out for meals or days out because we are dog parents.
We don't spend alot of money on fancy clothes , having hair and nails done because we are dog parents .
If you want to change your lifestyle it is usually done gradually after buying a home , having kids / fur kids and getting married , as you get older you get a little more disposable income .
We have a 3 bed house but only use 1.

GrumpyCowMummy · 13/07/2025 16:52

The cost of raising a child to 18 in the UK is currently estimated to be £166k. (£220k for single parents. Because extra childcare/sick leave ect costs). So that's money they haven't been forced to spend.... That how they can afford to have a nice house and savings.

And people nearing 40 tend to not want to describe themselves as "full time students", "unemployed" (because people are judgy!) or "Housewife" because it is a 1940s term with Tradwife connotations....."full time dog mum" is a "nothing" description. A place holder.

You're jealous. Get over yourself.

SarBet · 13/07/2025 17:28

Your brother and his wife sound very happy, leave them be. But you do have my deepest sympathies regarding your own job, I gave 13 years of my life to the NHS and got a job in another organisation. If you're that unhappy look for another job. The NHS is the biggest employer in the UK, and the 5th biggest in the world! I'm sure you can find something else more suitable.

Livpool · 13/07/2025 18:37

Describing yourself as a full time dog mum is weird. But everything else - leave them to it

pushthebuttonnn · 13/07/2025 21:03

Poodlelove · 13/07/2025 16:52

She is the dogs Mummy and she is studying and wife .
Be happy for them , I am a doggy Mum to 3 , our human children are married and have their own home.
I work part time because our dogs need walks and time spent with them and we go to the dog cafe and they meet up with their mates and we have a chat with other dog parents.
We don't go.out for meals or days out because we are dog parents.
We don't spend alot of money on fancy clothes , having hair and nails done because we are dog parents .
If you want to change your lifestyle it is usually done gradually after buying a home , having kids / fur kids and getting married , as you get older you get a little more disposable income .
We have a 3 bed house but only use 1.

Is this real? If it is I think people have really lost their marbles 🤣

Cherishednotspoilt · 13/07/2025 22:07

You are jealous. You know that as well. You called yourself out- well done - now you can deal with it. Jealousy is such an awful emotion if you don't deal with it can rob you of important relationships.

Rather then looking at what she has, look at what your life is missing. Are you happy or Do you want a bigger house? to return to education? A husband that supports you? What changes do you need to make?

Its up to you to make the choices in your life that will enable you to achieve happiness.

Good luck

SapphireSeptember · 17/07/2025 11:28

pushthebuttonnn · 13/07/2025 21:03

Is this real? If it is I think people have really lost their marbles 🤣

At least I wasn't the only one thinking that! Anyone describing themselves as a 'full time dog/cat parent' gives me the ick. Just no. You are not that animal's parent, they have parents of their own they were taken away from at some point. (We had three generations of cats when I was younger and living with my parents, it was lovely.) Nothing wrong with saying mature student either, I find I have a lot of respect for people who go back to college/university.

Bellyblueboy · 17/07/2025 21:59

SapphireSeptember · 17/07/2025 11:28

At least I wasn't the only one thinking that! Anyone describing themselves as a 'full time dog/cat parent' gives me the ick. Just no. You are not that animal's parent, they have parents of their own they were taken away from at some point. (We had three generations of cats when I was younger and living with my parents, it was lovely.) Nothing wrong with saying mature student either, I find I have a lot of respect for people who go back to college/university.

It’s often said as a joke - I have seen stay at home daughter etc on tik tok. This lady could just be taking the piss😊

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