Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

[Nurseamy87]

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

Yeah, that one bothered me as well. It's vile to imply that somebody is lying about a health issue.

You’re jealous.

Well it sounds like she's won the lottery really doesn't it?in reality though. She isn't earning and is at home a lot .lucky doggy though no being home alone or waiting for a walk.look you Don know if she did want DC at any point. Most women do and she may have issues which she has pured onto being a "doggy mum" you sound envious.

Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies!

We've got 4 big double bedrooms between 2 of us, and will do forever (never wanted kids, now in our 40s).

We have a room each for work and hobby stuff. It's fantastic!

Oh and I just dropped down to a 4 day week to give me more time for leisure!

Sounds like you need to reevaluate your lifestyle OP, as you clearly aren't happy.

Eh? Nothing odd about that. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that other people have different incomes, homes, domestic arrangements, than you? You sound very jealous.

Our lifestyle is similar, but different. I work full-time. My husband gave up work at 52 to be a full-time house husband. We also have three dogs so I guess he’s a full-time dog dad as well (although that term had be er occurred to me). I have an office at home because I WFH full-time. The company I work for is over 3000 miles away and that’s too far to commute.

We have no children but have 4 bedrooms (not including the office but the office wouldn’t work as a bedroom as it has a glass door). One bedroom is for my hobbies. One bedroom is our bedroom and the other two are for guests. My husband has a separate studio for his art stuff.

Some of us earn more. That’s all there is to it.

Does she know you’re posting about her like this on a public forum?

This is pure jealousy, fueled hatred and it will eat away at you.

You called yourself a NHS Slave? Christ. I think people who work for the NHS sometimes have abnormal views on work/lax boundaries. It’s not normal to consider yourself a slave to any employer - but for some reason NHS staff tend to see themselves as martyrs, or tend to think gruelling work conditions are just what everyone should expect/endure. Newsflash - it’s not. Your choice to work for a shitty employer isn’t mandatory and you’re not special as a result. You sacrificed higher income careers, for a poor work/life balance and ended up with a mediocre lifestyle in return. That’s all on you.

Personally I’m super ambitious, ended up on a high income & used that to build up some savings. I recently took some time off work for a few months. It’s been cathartic being able to travel, relax, engage with hobbies and simply not work. I have really been able to reconnect with myself outside of being a salaryperson. I don’t really see why that is anyone else’s business or something that people would judge me for. I’m not living off the state lol. I have been able to do some home renovations, set up space for hobbies etc. It’s not a given that grown adults can only have a shitty junk filled box room or whatever you were going on about. If you don’t like your life, just change it.

Sounds absolutely wonderful and you are just jealous. Envy is the thief of joy.

@mumtobabyhavoc- jugey much?
I was saying I just unfollow them!

This thread is fascinating... the sheer volume of mumsnetters who have no idea how to check their privilege 🙄

Huh

You are SO jealous. I don't see it as 'inexplicable' to own a 3 bedroom house with no children. Why are you so concerned about what your SIL is doing?

If the brother was here complaining about it, yes. He appears happy with the set up. Someone only becomes a cocklodger when the person they live with is unhappy. OP also says her SIL keeps the house nice, so she isn't expecting the brother to do it all while she does nothing.
There is no double standard here, just jealousy.

Why does she need to suffer just because you're unhappy?

It sounds like they can afford her lifestyle and are both happy with the arrangement. Your (jealous) thoughts on what she 'should' be doing are irrelevant. It has nothing to do with you.

Op, you're jealous and bitter. Not a nice look.
Giving mean girl vibes too.

She's actually not wafting around being a lady of leisure or even the tongue-in-cheek "full time dog mum" on her insta bio (not that either of those things would be bad regardless) - she's a full-time student. And she doesn't owe you her career map after she gets her degree.

It's very very normal for one half of a couple to support the other while they take time out of working to study/train/retrain. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 couples I'm friends with who've done this.

Currently a friend's partner is studying for a psychology degree, which means she also has time to take in every rescue cat she feels sorry for (eight and counting). She's been quite vague about her post-degree plans - this is because she wants to set up her own business, but doesn't want to tell all and sundry in case she doesn't pull it off.

@VenusSlyTrap Even us poor people sometimes have a spare room! I'm retired and live alone in a 2 double-bed house. The second bedroom is my office/music room/art room/reading room/guest room. Occasionally, one of my adult DC will come to stay for a few days, and I really miss the use of that room.

hehehe agree with @vegetarianlouise

And yes, the OP is not coming back after 10 pages of people calling her jealous.

And perhaps she can't 'change her lifestyle' because she and her partner don't have the money to do that.

They chose not to have children. That plays a big part of how life pans out in terms of finances, time and space.

They just made different choices to you.

You could have made the same ones but you didn't.

When we bought our 3 bedroomed house in our 30's, with no kids planned, it really didn't strike me as inexplicable. I was an NHS worker too. This is a very odd post.

Yes you sound jealous! However I can see why and I sort of agree with you 😂

My main worry would be what happens if your brother can't work anymore or passes away? She'd be screwed unless he's well insured... Hopefully they have life insurance and income protection insurance

The OP is describing a situation that she has zero knowledge of. Her brother is not unhappy and has not complained about the set up. As the OP says, they “inexplicably have a 3 bedroom house”. So the OP doesn’t know any details of finances. The SIL could have been the higher earner and paid off the mortgage before taking a career break. She could have inherited a large sum and be living off that.

When posters call a man a cocklodger it’s because he is a house husband who doesn’t financially contribute or take care of the house, children, dog, garden etc. In the OP it clearly states the SIL keeps the house spotless - and more importantly the brother is happy with the situation.

Unless they are short of cash, and can’t afford their lifestyle, then no, your sister in law doesn’t need to get a job!

im shocked you’ve actually mentioned this to your brother. He took it well. I’d have told you where to go…

You come across as resentful at best, OP. There’ll always be people who have more than you so you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of bad feeling. Let it go.