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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 23:18

And a job is just a means to an end for most people despite the feminist mission to try and make it some kind of endeavour of self fulfillment/validation. Why would she work if she doesn't need to?

Newhouse1 · 09/07/2025 23:18

My mum has a four bedroom house with 3 empty rooms. I don't judge her for it nor am I jealous- I wouldn't want that for myself though, the cleaning, the cost of heating etc.!! I secretly think its bonkers though! She's not worked most of her adult life either- I think this is to her own detriment! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes either. I like to challenge myself, meet new people and add something to peoples life. I'm in a low paid job but I don't care at all. I'd rather that than being at home and missing out on all that life. Also want to be able to provide for myself and my children. Don't be jealous of your SIL and don't wish her life to be yours, think of all the positives in your life and I'm sure you will see them

ThinWomansBrain · 09/07/2025 23:20

I'm so surprised that the text of your post hasn't turned green.
you sound jealous and bitter.

Empress13 · 09/07/2025 23:20

jealousy is an ugly trait

Isitreallysohard · 09/07/2025 23:20

You're not for real are you? Why does she need to go to work if she doesn't have to? Sounds like she's living her best life and many would ditch work in favour of doing what they want but can't. It's you who is crazy for working for fun. Lol at full time dog mum though 😂

user1471557598 · 09/07/2025 23:22

Reverse or come back and explain why you are being so unreasonable and jealous about your brother’s relationship that obviously works for him

Daisy12Maisie · 09/07/2025 23:23

If I was your brother I wouldn’t be happy with it but as he is happy it’s not an issue.
She is in a great position now but things could change and she doesn’t have much security. It’s not a position I would want to be in although not having to work does sound great.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/07/2025 23:26

PregnantBarbie · 09/07/2025 23:13

Sorry OP but your post does read a bit jealous.

Understatement of the day. 😂

LilWoosmum82 · 09/07/2025 23:26

I'm sorry I think you're jealous. I've been in NHS 21yrs and am quietly praying for redundancy. (Which is apparently a possibility) They sound content and happy, leave them be. Focus on yourself x

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 09/07/2025 23:27

sandwichlover93 · 09/07/2025 22:29

I'm afraid OP might call the police on you.

Show quote history

I have a three bedroom house all to myself and nobody has ever asked me to explain this phenomenon, nor does any homeowner have to justify what they do with their space.

Isitreallysohard · 09/07/2025 23:29

Daisy12Maisie · 09/07/2025 23:23

If I was your brother I wouldn’t be happy with it but as he is happy it’s not an issue.
She is in a great position now but things could change and she doesn’t have much security. It’s not a position I would want to be in although not having to work does sound great.

Plenty of men would love it if their partner took care of the house, it means they don't have to do anything. Tbh if my DH was good at domestic duties, I'd be ok with it too (unfortunately he isn't!)

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/07/2025 23:31

sunights · 09/07/2025 23:12

YANBU @Nurseamy87

If your brother is doing a lot for SIL and she is showing off/ not recognising their privilege you have every right to be irked.

Could you remind her there are people less fortunate than her and ask her to reign in the FB status updates?

Or if not, unfollow her. I do this to my cousins wives who post insta perfect updates. I actually like them! But they benefited from investing early family inheritance in property, which my side didn't as we spent the early inheritance on the older generations later care needs.

Not the wives fault- but I'd rather not be reminded of it!

Don't read it then? Would you seriously ask her to stop posting about her life or try to manage how she posts?
If so, you're just as batshit. 🤦‍♀️

AppleCobblerPie · 09/07/2025 23:34

This MUST be a reverse…if not then - yes you are jelly with a capital J. And also you sound so mean spirited that it’s pretty obvious you are clearly unhappy with your situation/life/choices. Make a change! Live your life! Stop shitting on other people.

Growlybear83 · 09/07/2025 23:34

You sound incredibly jealous OP. What’s wrong with the way that your brother and sister in law have chosen to live? Why is inexplicable that they live in a three bedroom house? We bought our current house before our daughter was born and it has five bedrooms - now that she’s grown up and left home, the bedrooms are still used and we’ve got no intention of downsizing.

Allisnotlost1 · 09/07/2025 23:34

yelladuster · 09/07/2025 18:50

That is exactly what I think too, reads like it. I guess it is normal to be a bit judgemental towards those who choose not to work in this climate (although you might not be privy to all their health info). The details that really make it stick out as a reverse is them having a three bedroom house, like who cares and how is it inexplicable? Also the discussing privately with her brother about the "craziness", seriously? Most SIL who were this judgemental would just be making snidey comments out in the open, having a secret conflab with her DB about it all is just plain mental.

Show quote history

What is a reverse?

Allisnotlost1 · 09/07/2025 23:37

Daisy12Maisie · 09/07/2025 23:23

If I was your brother I wouldn’t be happy with it but as he is happy it’s not an issue.
She is in a great position now but things could change and she doesn’t have much security. It’s not a position I would want to be in although not having to work does sound great.

Surely you just mean ‘I wouldn’t be happy with it’? Not ‘if I was your brother I wouldn’t be happy with it’. Her brother is her brother and he is happy with it.

Blinky21 · 09/07/2025 23:41

I'm in my 40s with a spare room and no kids, it's bliss

Wigglytails · 09/07/2025 23:42

“Comparison is the thief of joy”

numberonepartyanthem · 09/07/2025 23:45

You are being unreasonable babe but I bet you feel so much better writing that out and why it annoys you.
now you have done that, try and move forward and listen to your inner voice, what is this jealousy telling you that you need more of …

iamnotalemon · 09/07/2025 23:50

As others have said - it’s irrelevant as to whether they have children or not anyway but definitely irrelevant over the size of the house! You do sound jealous.

vegetarianlouise · 09/07/2025 23:51

If the roles were inverted and this woman was a man "studying and doing his craft" while the wife worked her bu-tt in a high paying job he would have been labelled as a cocklodger in 2 posts out of 3, but because she's a woman everybody gets to congratulate her as someone living her best life and the OP being jealous (which she is 😀)

The double standards on Mumsnet..😂

BIossomtoes · 09/07/2025 23:52

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house.

claims to have a health issue

this craziness

She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on

You really, really, really don’t like her, do you? And yes, jealousy oozes out of every syllable of your post.

HangryLikeTheHulk · 09/07/2025 23:53

She’s having more fun than you !

HangryLikeTheHulk · 09/07/2025 23:54

Oh and if she’s a “dog mum” she gave birth to… a dog

yelladuster · 09/07/2025 23:56

@Allisnotlost1 It is usually when the person is posting from the perspective of the other person. So in this case if it were a reverse, the OP is really the Dog Mum and student with a three bedroom house and is making a post from her SIL's pov.