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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
Vetoncall · 09/07/2025 21:04

You couldn't sound more bitter if you tried. Health issues notwithstanding, it sounds like your SIL is living the dream. If they're both happy with it, which it sounds like they are, then more power to them.

You'd hate us too, I work but 3 days a week so I have more time to spend with our 6 dogs and doing whatever else I want. We have a big 4 bedroom house and no children by choice - I don't describe myself as a 'dog mum' either because I've never had any desire to be anyone's mother. I earn good money but DH is the main breadwinner by far and he's fine with it. If any of his family said anything about our lifestyle (they wouldn't, they aren't bitter CFs) he'd tell them to fuck right off and mind their own business, which is exactly what your brother should have said to you.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 09/07/2025 21:04

You’re definitely jealous…. And so am I! They sound like they have a lovely life. I wish them well and so should you, being they are family

FlowersandElephants · 09/07/2025 21:05

Why is it crazy? They can afford it, they’re happy.
You sound very bitter when all they’ve done is make different life choices to you.

ThisTicklishFatball · 09/07/2025 21:06

Oh great, now people are turning against OP's sister-in-law and her brother as well.

OP seems overwhelmed by jealousy, envy, bitterness, and resentment. Even if her brother and sister-in-law were to separate, it wouldn’t resolve anything.

I hope OP's brother realizes what’s going on with his sister and has an honest conversation about it, even if it causes a fallout.

I also hope that SIL and OP's brother remain together and maintain a strong and healthy relationship.

I have no problem with stay-at-home parents, people who buy houses with extra bedrooms, or those who love their pets as family. I fully support these choices when they make sense for the individuals involved. There is absolutely nothing wrong or bad.

SleepyLemur · 09/07/2025 21:08

Really this is none of your business. If it was making your brother unhappy or stressed, or forcing him to work long hours that would be different. If they were borrowing money from your parents your parents could not afford, again different. If they are both happy, can afford it and it gives them the lifestyle they both want, I can't see it is a concern of yours.

CalmLemonCrab · 09/07/2025 21:12

You sound nasty, insecure and jealous. How does the way she chooses to live affect you?

Rabbitsockpeony · 09/07/2025 21:13

You’re jealous. And spiteful.

Why does it matter how many bedrooms they have and what they use them for? 😵‍💫 stay in your own lane. Or sort your own life out so you’re happier.

somethingbeginningwithb · 09/07/2025 21:13

She is living a life that brings her meaning.

My 'real world' is a lot more like your SIL's than yours, thankfully.

TheWisePlumDuck · 09/07/2025 21:15

Jealousy can only happen if someone has something you don't, and you also want that something. And there are two types of jealousy.

The useful kind, where you realise that actually you really want that thing too. And you figure out a way for you to achieve that.

Or the destructive kind, where you decide 'If I don't have that, I dont want anyone else to have it either' and you actively attempt to sabotage the person you are jealous of.

The good news is you get to pick which form your own jealousy takes. The bad news is you are already indulging in the useless bitter kind. But it isn't too late.

notacooldad · 09/07/2025 21:18

Your SIL has it going on!
Sounds like a great life with a fully supportive husband.
Living the dream!

Teanandtoast · 09/07/2025 21:18

A happy and peaceful life sounds just how I would want all my siblings to live their lives. You seem very unhappy in your own life and unkind about SIL who sounds like she's making your brother happy and leading a lovely life. Everyone's different, feeling so envious about it and trying to convince your brother she needs a proper job when you've not mentioned that's what they want, only what you expect

Lovetosurf · 09/07/2025 21:19

It's never a good thing to compare yourself or your life to others. As numerous pp have said already, you sound envious that your sil and brother have chosen a different lifestyle to yours and of your sil's perceived freedom in comparison to your own job role and lifestyle.

A good start for you would be to count your own blessings and list all the good things that you have in your life, rather than comparing everything to them.

If you want a different lifestyle yourself then you need to discuss that with your partner and make a plan to change things up.

Rather than wasting your energy on negative, bitter thoughts, direct it towards positive action!

MumWifeOther · 09/07/2025 21:19

Yes, you do sound jealous. Your life will be rich in other ways, try not to compare.

Also, I love how for once mumsnet are happy for a woman stay at home - is it because she’s not a mother? Because SAHM’s usually get ripped apart in this place 😅

Clipirts · 09/07/2025 21:19

My ILs (DH's brother and wife) simply couldn't contain themselves when we dared to get married before them despite being together for less time, then dare to have kids before them, have far more dogs than they approved of and then to top it all off decided to home educate our DC. This meant me never working.

They stopped speaking to us 🤣🤣

It's amazing what you find out about other people purely based on how you happen to lead your own life.

MounjaroMounjaro · 09/07/2025 21:24

This has to be a hoax. Nobody could be that stupid. You over-egged the pudding with the three-bedroomed house, OP. Are we expected to believe you think they should have a one-bedroomed house?

PopeJoan2 · 09/07/2025 21:29

LadyGAgain · 09/07/2025 18:20

It’s not odd to have spare rooms in your 40’s! For some their kids will have flown the nest and for others - like your bro - no kids but they can afford to have more space. I’m sorry you’re stuck in the awful mgmt of the NHS. I have every sympathy but your irritation is misplaced.

They’re not even spare rooms. They each have a study/den. They’re lucky. Sounds like a lovely set up.

echt · 09/07/2025 21:34

@Nurseamy87 Tidy out your junk-filled box room and turn it into your study or craft room.

PopeJoan2 · 09/07/2025 21:34

VanCleefArpels · 09/07/2025 19:32

So in your “real” world all childless couples should be in a one bed flat, no-one would be allowed to study for its own sake / one’s pleasure, no one would be able to pursue a hobby that requires space to do it, and everyone would gave to do a job whether they needed to or not.

i don’t much like your “real” world

Neither does op, which is why she is so angry with SIL.

bouncydog · 09/07/2025 21:34

Simply awful of you to post this. It is entirely the business of your brother and sister in law and nothing to do with you. As soon as they realise the extent of your jealousy they are likely to have nothing to do with you and it will serve you right.

RisingSunn · 09/07/2025 21:34

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

She doesn't need to do anything - if she and her husband are fine with their set up.

So yes, you are being jealous.

Also, some people may not want subscribe to your your 'real world' .

Bestfootforward11 · 09/07/2025 21:36

I’m sorry but you sound really jealous. And also judgemental. None of what you describe is weird, it is just not what you are doing/have. If their financial set up works for them that’s the only thing that matters. You say your brother worships the ground she walks on so she clearly brings something positive to the relationship. It’s not unusual for someone to have a home office in a house. And if there’s a spare room, why not use it for crafts etc just as some people may use a shed or garage? Should only your brother have use of an extra room?
I think the thing to focus on is why you feel like this. You’re clearly devoting a lot of time to thinking about her lifestyle, such that you’ve spoken to your brother and posted on here. What can you change about your own life that would make you happier? You say you have a room stuffed with junk, you could sort that so you have use of the room in some way. Our box room is my office. It sounds like maybe you’re missing your dog too. Any courses you can do? Or hobbies you can take up?
I hope things feel better for you soon.

FlamingoQueen · 09/07/2025 21:37

I’m sorry, but you need to get a grip. Why do they ‘inexplicably’ own a 3 bedroom home? It’s up to them what they have.

NewPlaceToGo · 09/07/2025 21:40

They sound great.

babyproblems · 09/07/2025 21:40

I think this is none of your business! You clearly aren’t happy being an ‘nhs slave’. I suggest you look at your life and see what you want to change.. life is too short to coast along feeling obliged to do things you really don’t want to do! Who are you being an ‘nhs slave’ for?? The public? Honestly do something for yourself. It’s your life and you only live it once. X

Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/07/2025 21:43

Wow!

She and my She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house.

What? I have a 3 bedroom house and live by myself. Its none of your business!!! You sound bitter and the tone of your post is so unpleasant.