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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

567 replies

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

OP posts:
cumbriaisbest · 09/07/2025 20:46

I was utterly bewildered the other day when I rescued a dog that was in the road.
A woman would down the window of a van and yelled " It's OK , I'm a dog Mum"
What on earth?

Shoemadlady · 09/07/2025 20:47

it’s really none of your business. You’re clearly just jealous. Good luck to them!

howaboutchocolate · 09/07/2025 20:48

I find this thread so fascinating because usually on mumsnet if a sahm says she doesn't work but her kids are at school, she's met with "what do you do all day?" "I could never be financially dependent on my DH" etc etc with the implication that she should be working. But if you're child free then it's fine?

Equally, if a man was living off his wife's salary so he could study and look after the dog, there would be many cock lodger type comments.

Takestwohourstoniptotheshop · 09/07/2025 20:48

😂 Why is any of this your business?! We’d all do it if we could 🤣

manicpixieschemegirl · 09/07/2025 20:49

I’m pretty sure this is rage bait but if there is a woman out there who was able to give up work in her 40s to do some studying, pursue hobbies and look after her dog, all while having a lovely home and supportive husband, then more power to her. It sounds idyllic!

WilfredsPies · 09/07/2025 20:50

I wonder whether this is a reverse? I think it must be. Either that, or it’s a poor attempt at humour. If it is a reverse, then you should be banned for a month for being so bloody annoying, but before you go, I’d very much like to see a photo of your craft room.

SunnyValemin · 09/07/2025 20:51

Why does it matter they have 3 bedrooms and no children? I have the same set up, I wanted children but can't have them now due to treatment for cancer. Should I downsize because of that?

You sound jealous

Channellingsophistication · 09/07/2025 20:51

The only craziness in your post is a) someone saying they are a dog mum !? And b) the fact that you have spoken to your brother about it! Why on earth would you do that?

There's no craziness in their lifestyle. I would say it could leave your sister-in-law vulnerable if they ever separate in not having a job, but it's up to them. They are happy and you should be happy for them.

SlashBeef · 09/07/2025 20:51

I genuinely dont understand how it's any of your concern at all?

Butchyrestingface · 09/07/2025 20:52

"Dear Mumsnet, AIBU to think my brother should have married ME and given ME the soft girl lifestyle I not-so-secretly crave rather than some genetically unrelated and undeserving barren whore lazy dog mum? I am merely CONCERNED rather than jealous, btw."

Rephrased the thread headline for you, OP. Granted it's a bit longer and not quite as catchy but I did what I could with scant material. Grin

Bepo77 · 09/07/2025 20:53

This has to be a joke. Where's he meant to work, the toilet? Also you CHOSE the nhs.

Drainpipejeans · 09/07/2025 20:54

Comparison is the thief of joy!

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 09/07/2025 20:55

I wish I was your SIL 😆

Notashamed13 · 09/07/2025 20:56

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 09/07/2025 20:56

I live by myself in a 4 bed house with the most ridiculously pampered toy poodle, so you’d hate me!
Honestly get over yourself, you’re clearly jealous and why do you care about your SILs life choice, your brother is happy so get over yourself!

4forksache · 09/07/2025 20:57

Their life, their decisions.

Inthebleakmidwinter1 · 09/07/2025 20:57

I guess the downside of this for your SIL is she is totally helpless without him. If he left
she would be screwed. Which would be the fly in the ointment for me

Notashamed13 · 09/07/2025 20:57

Drainpipejeans · 09/07/2025 20:54

Comparison is the thief of joy!

Snap! 😁

Ontobetterthings · 09/07/2025 20:57

This can't be real!! We have a spare room that's a games room. Didn't realise its so controversial 🤣🤣

Ally886 · 09/07/2025 20:58
  1. Sounds like she doesn't have to work but i agree with you she should at least do something. I would not be attracted to someone that could work and doesn't. That includes SAHP, that's just me and I don't look down on those that do
  1. What the hell are you on about regards spare rooms? My wife and I have no children and live in a 5 bed house. Hobby room each and an office as well as a spare room. Are we terrible for that?

To say that a 2 bed home is the norm shows you might not have a diverse circle of friends and family

lessglittermoremud · 09/07/2025 20:58

If your brother is happy with the situation it’s not really your place to have an opinion and I would say the same if the the roles were reversed and your brother was at home and SIL at work.
Would I want to be totally reliant on someone, no, however everyone is different.
I have close friends where a friend doesn’t work, they have children however they have now left home and are independent.
She has dogs, hobbies and volunteers for a charity shop once a week. Her house is beautiful and her husband adores her and they isn’t any resentment.
Comparison is the thief of joy, you sound bitter and jealous.

BunnyLake · 09/07/2025 20:58

Mind your own business, you’re jealous.

ElleintheWoods · 09/07/2025 21:02

Nurseamy87 · 09/07/2025 18:14

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

Jealousy is such a cruel mistress, darling...

Your posts sounds like 'my life is really crap and I hate every day of it, so I want them to ditch the stress free life that works for both of them, and also have a crap life'.

And you are invested in a life that's not your own. If you are raising these kinds of things with your brother where it's none of your business, don't be surprised if they become distant. You're literally meddling with their marriage in a strange and unnecessary manner motivated by envy.

Let's unpack a few of your points.

Why does she need to go out to the world of work? To make more money when they are already well-off? Why? Your next complaint will be that their cars and clothes are too nice and they take too many holidays, as they'll have more money than they know what to do with.

Nice houses unfortunately rarely come with less than 3 bedrooms. Me and ex had that same setup, I had a big office, he had a a large bedroom as a hobby room. I'm a single woman living in a 4-bed. Used to live in a 6-bed as that was the only property available of the kind I wanted at the time. Most of my single friends, or childless couples, live in 3-beds alone, smaller houses are really hard to find round here, unless you're willing to live in a rough area.

Then, does studying need to lead to a career? Have you ever done anything, especially acquiring knowledge, just because you're curious and want to challenge your brain? I have done several uni degrees just for fun, in fact, I'm about to do another, as I enjoy learning.

You seem to judge them for not having children, yet say they seem happy and at peace.

The only thing I agree with is 'full time dog mummy' sounding cringe, but hey, is your social media uber cool and all Kate Moss, with no #blessed on other cliches floating?

You are the sort of person that, if we worked together, I'd feel uncomfortable being myself around, smiling, breathing, thriving, being joyful, in the fear of being judged. Me and my best friend actually go and take our joy and laughter elsewhere at work sometimes, because we do have people around at work that judge things life yoga classes, creating a beautiful garden or investing in good foods and exercise for your pet.

The truth is, childless couples and childless single women, if they have an ok income, are going to have the 'easiest' life. No mess in the house, enough money left over even in average jobs, lots of time for oneself and hobbies, no tiredness, no backpain, no family drama. I could go on. Everyone makes life choices, it's their life, you need to learn to let them live their happy, blissful lives, and butt out.

Maybe just make your life something you actually want it to be. Start by not having a spare room full of junk? Who needs a room just for junk? Sounds like craziness to me.

historyismything82 · 09/07/2025 21:03

Jealousy is ugliness.

Why the fuck can't she study in your eyes? Stop focussing on them and do something to change your own life for the best if you're not happy!

FullyLined · 09/07/2025 21:04

You cannot be jealous by definition, OP. You can only be jealous in regard to something you already have, for example, if someone threatens to take away your NHS job. You are envious of your SIL. To me her life sounds dull, and I have four bedrooms, so not saying this out of envy.

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