Is this a crazy way to live or am I just jealous?

[Nurseamy87]

My SIL (older brother’s wife) is in her early 40s and does not have a job. She describes herself - on her Facebook bio 🙄 - as a “full time dog mum” . She is also a mature student who studies from home.

She and my brother have no children, yet inexplicably own a 3 bedroom house. Of the two spare rooms, one is my brother’s ‘office’ as he WFH full-time. My SIL has the other spare room for a desk where she studies, as well as room in there for her hobby (a craft). Everything is set up lovely for her. She Also has time to keep their house so nice. She used to work, until the pandemic, but claims to have a health issue and she had wanted to study but hadn’t previously had the opportunity to so decided to go for it. She is vague about what kind of career, if any, this studying will lead to.

I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness, and he genuinely seems happy with this arrangement, saying that he loves her and is supportive. They are lucky he is in a decent profession and can support them both. They have never expressed any desire for children, of course we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but they do both seem to have a happy and peaceful life.

I however am stuck as an NHS slave (Great patients, awful management). Myself and DH had a dog who we lost suddenly earlier this year, we hope to have another “one day”. Being a full time dog mum sounds SO stupid, why can’t she do what the rest of us have to, send the dog to a dog sitter and go out to work!! Nor is it realistic for most 40 somethings to have a spare room to cater to their studies and hobbies! All DH and I have is our main bedroom and tiny box room which is rammed full of junk… that’s the real world right??!

I don’t know how my brother tolerates my SIL’s weird doggy mum / student life! She needs to get in the real world. Crazy thing is my brother worships the ground she walks on and does not ever seem to be telling her she needs to get a job like the rest of us have to.

Omg. That is the bitterest, most jealous thing I've ever read. Bitter, bitter, bitter. So judgy, and yet it sounds like you don't even know what your SIL is studying for? Maybe she's re-training in something so she can go back out to work. I'd hate to have you as a SIL begrudging my every move. You make yourself sound very small. Presuming your SIL isn't evil and hasn't done anything terrible to you, why can't you be happy for her? Or does everyone have to be miserable because you are? A very unattractive trait.

Wondering why they own a three bed house is daft. Even if they didn't need or use their spare bedrooms at all, it's all about the downstairs space. It stands to reason that most one and two bed houses will be smaller downstairs than a three or four bed, because of footprint size. Just because they don't need umpteen bedrooms for children doesn't mean you won't want a large kitchen or a decent sized lounge, and you tend to only find those in houses of three beds or more.

yabu. I live alone in a three bed house should I move to a one bed or a studio? Does that fit your beliefs for housing?

yes you sound jealous. Your brother is happy that should be enough

I don’t think a 3 bed house is strange for a couple. Having an office and a space for hobbies is nice and quite normal. Why should they have to live in a smaller place just because they don’t have children.

she is not staying at home without a job, she is a student.

I mean… yeah, you do sound as if you are jealous. If your DB and DSiL are happy, what does it matter? We all die in the end and you don’t get a prize for spending much of your life slogging away at a job you don’t enjoy.

It sounds like you need to significantly overhaul your own life in some way. If I were you I’d try and work out what it was I really wanted from my life (being honest with yourself, if you can, not getting caught up in what you’re “supposed” to do/want) and then make plans to get closer to that.

Is your DH happy with the life you share? Or does he feel the same as you? Would he be amenable to potentially a major life change? Eg you working fewer hours/in a different field, even if it means having to downsize; moving somewhere else where the cost of living is lower etc

Jealous much. Both are happy with the arrangement it’s not your life so let them get on with it!

This is so funny... just because you're jealous doesn't mean it's 'crazy'!? Good for them, they're clearly happy.

Do think it's odd that you appear to think that a couple without children should... only live in a one-bed property? DH and I have a three bed house - one bedroom, and then one 'office' each for our hobbies. No spare bedroom - everyone lives nearby enough we don't need one, and we bought a house specifically big enough for our hobby stuff.

Three bedrooms is hardly excessive!

Back when I was young in the 1970s, it was quite usual in my regular middle class upbringing for people to live in 3, 4 (or 5, shock horror) bedroom houses and the woman not to work. Admittedly most were mothers but some weren't (though usually fertility issues and most did end up having one child later in life, either naturally or adopted). It was just called being a wife or housewife then, no need to justify one's existence with dog mum or studying.

Mind your own bloody business. They clearly have a marriage that works and your brother has said he’s happy to support her. Trying to drive a wedge between them because of your very apparent and petty jealousy isn’t on. Catch yourself on before they realise what’s going on and cut you out of their lives.

If DP earned enough for me not to work, I'd love it. I'd love to look after my dog full time! I'd also be more than happy for him to give up work and me support him, if I knew I'd have a lovely tidy house all the time, my dog was kept occupied, and he was happy and less stressed.

I'd also be really bloody annoyed if anyone, but especially my family, was judging the size of my house. The two offices just sounds common sense. It's the setup DP and I have at home. Putting aside the fact that it's hard to concentrate on a lengthy report while someone next to you is on Teams, your brother likely wants privacy while he makes work calls.

If they're not harming you, why do you care?

I mean, there are literal billionaires who don't work and don't just have spare rooms, but hundreds of spare properties. Why are you so jealous of your SIL having a small three bed house?

Your SIL is making herself vulnerable by staying out of the labor market entirely, but if the household only needs one income there really is nothing wrong with living on one income. It can improve the quality of life for both parties. There comes a point where time is more valuable than money.

That's one of the most vile opening posts I have ever seen.

@Nurseamy87 your dh earns less than hers, your brother, doesn't he?

We are the architects of our own lives.

I feel sorry for you to be so eaten up with envy and bitterness.

Are you jealous???

But she doesn’t need to get a job does she? Your brother can support both and then and is happy to do so. They are happy.

It’s really none of your business. You sounds very bitter and jealous. You are the problem,

I wouldn't work if I didn't have to! Yabvj!

@Nurseamy87 you sound so bitter and jealous.

They sound happy, how they live is none of your business.

Rather than criticising their life choices look at how you can make your life better/easier.

I was reading and reading waiting for the ‘crazy’ bit. What are you actually talking about?

It sounds like a lovely life. We are the crazy ones working.

I also live in a three bed, no dc at home so the rooms are our bedroom, spare room, office. ‘inexplicable’!

I’m also a ‘NHS slave’ but I love my job, love my SIL and don’t worry about what others choose to do with their life.

We bought a 4 bedroom house when we had 0 children. Who knew it would piss people off?

Why do you care what they do? You sound so jealous.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

“I have spoken to my brother privately about this craziness”

Frankly, how dare you! Trying to interfere in the marriage of two happy people. Nasty 🤮 Then post about it… 🫣

I have spoken to my brother!! 😧That’s the bit that my eyebrows really went up at.

I'm lucky enough to have a room of my own for my interests. DH has one for his, too. I understand being jealous, but it's really not that extreme to have a couple of spare rooms if you don't have children at home.

The only problem here would be if your DB couldn't support them on his income or wasn't happy being the sole breadwinner, and you say he's satisfied. So there's no problem.

You should look for ways to improve your own life, as much as possible, rather than wasting energy resenting your SIL.