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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting grandchildren

591 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

OP posts:
Manthide · 09/07/2025 15:18

My parents never did any childcare for my 4dc and they only live 10 minutes walk from me. The other grandparents lived abroad. Dm was always clear that she wouldn't. From about the age of 10 they did take them away for a week once a year and now my dc are older they enjoy visiting them and their children.
I like being an involved gm but there was definitely no pressure from my dc. My gc both go to nursery but I do babysit if asked.

Gall10 · 09/07/2025 15:22

noidea69 · 09/07/2025 12:18

I think you can be as much involved in your grandkids life as you want to be really.

Just set boundaries around providing childcare & stick to it.

You can be as much involved in your grandkids life as you want to be….unless the child’s mother is on mumsnet!

TheodoraCrumpet · 09/07/2025 15:24

I know what you mean, OP. I don't even want a pet, never mind a little human to be parked on me. At this stage of my lifeI feel kind of cared out. No prospect of grandchildren on the horizon, however, and I remind myself I was one of those people who had absolutely no interest in having children, until I did. My DSis is a grandmother, and she loves it, but her children haven't had the effrontery to expect her to give up her full time professional role to be an unpaid childminder.

Manthide · 09/07/2025 15:25

My 2 dd who have dc have no need for financial assistance. They went to university, got good jobs, married, bought a house and then had dc when they could afford it. I'm sure that is pretty standard.

BedtimeWorries889 · 09/07/2025 15:30

You don't even have grandchildren yet. My mum fully expected to be asked to do loads of childcare before I had my DS and was not so secretly dreading it, like you.

But you know what? I decided early on that I much prefer paid childcare. I have a wonderful nanny who I pay to follow my instructions, she's on time, fit enough to follow him around and fully 100% focused on my son.

Now my mum is saying she's jealous of my nanny and is complaining that my son doesn't know her well enough 😅😅😅 so just a warning that relationships are built over time. You don't want to do any of the hard boring work, you also don't get to be fun grandma.

BeLilacWriter · 09/07/2025 15:37

I didn't expect my parents to look after my children and I don't expect to look after mine, should I ever be gifted with any.
The thing is, many people do seem to expect their parents to be their free childcare systems so that they can both work and bring in two wages. If it's a mutual arrangement, then more power to you, but as I just said, there seems to be an expectation and I know one or two friends who are frankly over being primary childcare providers.

ExercicenformedeZ · 09/07/2025 15:38

BedtimeWorries889 · 09/07/2025 15:30

You don't even have grandchildren yet. My mum fully expected to be asked to do loads of childcare before I had my DS and was not so secretly dreading it, like you.

But you know what? I decided early on that I much prefer paid childcare. I have a wonderful nanny who I pay to follow my instructions, she's on time, fit enough to follow him around and fully 100% focused on my son.

Now my mum is saying she's jealous of my nanny and is complaining that my son doesn't know her well enough 😅😅😅 so just a warning that relationships are built over time. You don't want to do any of the hard boring work, you also don't get to be fun grandma.

I agree with this TBH. Be careful what you wish for.

Adoptymum · 09/07/2025 15:41

My daughter’s grandparents live 4 miles away and have seen her once so far this year. They have never looked after her for us to work or anything else, in fact, in the 6 and half years she’s been alive they’ve probably met her 15 times at the most. They just don’t want to be involved grandparents and that’s their choice to make I suppose.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 09/07/2025 15:46

Set the boundaries now 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have 2 kids (7 and 19 months). I can count on one hand how many times my parents have helped with school/nursery drop off/pick up! I want my mum and dad to retire for them and enjoy it, not feel tied to having my kids day in day out 🤷🏼‍♀️

My parents however would be there at the drop of a hat if needed and do take them for sleepovers maybe once every 2/3 months so they can have time with them OR for us to go on a rare night out.

BeenzManeenz · 09/07/2025 15:48

I think that's absolutely fine and your right. Just remember it is somewhat reciprocal as if with everything in life.

If you don't bother much with the grandkids they likely won't bother with you when you're much older.

Dontcallmescarface · 09/07/2025 15:48

You're not alone. I inwardly breathed a sign of relief when my DD said she had no intention of ever having children.

Notwiththebullshizz · 09/07/2025 15:49

My parents do not do childcare, me and my partner (who does not have parents living in this country) do it all alone, as do a lot of other people. My mum lives a road over from us and can go 4-6 weeks without seeing any of us. She made it perfectly clear that she has her own life and that's absolutely her choice. On the flip side, she doesn't get to have the most special bond that I had with my nan who I spent most weekends with a did lots of childcare for my mum. The memories I have of the time I spent with my nan are the most precious memories I have, before becoming a mum myself. I feel like my mum is missing out on so much, where as I'm sure she doesn't have the same feelings towards it. Everyone is different though. My children are very young but we hope that when they grow up and have a family of their own, we will be much more involved in their children's lives, albeit without the "ties" of specific days, as such.

TimetoPour · 09/07/2025 15:55

Parents that feel entitled to free childcare from grandparents are the upmost selfish a-holes around. It is entirely a grandparents choice to decide how much they want to help out, without pressure and very much appreciated by the two adults that made a choice to make and grow a baby.

muddyford · 09/07/2025 16:01

BeenzManeenz · 09/07/2025 15:48

I think that's absolutely fine and your right. Just remember it is somewhat reciprocal as if with everything in life.

If you don't bother much with the grandkids they likely won't bother with you when you're much older.

It doesn't always play out that way. We put in lots of time, energy and money into DH'Ss three grandchildren but only one, who lives abroad, stays in touch.

Ivytheterrible2025 · 09/07/2025 16:02

KoalaBlueOssie · 09/07/2025 12:21

You don’t get a choice

Exactly. It works the other way too.

Two of my sons have severe disabilities which sadly means they will never have the opportunity to become fathers.
It's only now that my eldest is at the age where he night have become a father that I'm really starting to feel it.
Of course he might have chosen not to, which would have been fine, but it's a decision he will never get to make.

genesis92 · 09/07/2025 16:04

I bet your parents helped you out with childcare

notatinydancer · 09/07/2025 16:09

You don’t have to do any of that with grandchildren. I work and travel , I don’t babysit.
I see them when I can. I’m not tied in any way. I help financially a bit because I’m able to currently. When I retire I’ll have less money so won’t be able to.

Inyournewdress · 09/07/2025 16:11

YABU to equate being a grandparent with having to do all those things. Lots of grandparents don’t do any childcare and that’s fine. With more and more people having children older, many grandparents even if they would have liked to help, are not really able to do so as they late seventies or eighties and it would be too much. Equally some younger grandparents are still working or even still have young children of their own to care for. It’s also fine to just say that wouldn’t suit you.

Isthisnormal10000 · 09/07/2025 16:16

Well neither sets of grandparents on either sides of my kids help out. They babysit maybe three times a year and will help out in an emergency. Thats it.

1HappyTraveller · 09/07/2025 16:19

BoredZelda · 09/07/2025 14:13

This is nonsense. My daughter has a brilliant and close relationship with her grandparents, none of them looked after her regularly.

Millenials will do the same as we all did - whatever works for them individually.

Show quote history

I disagree. Many grandparents today don’t help in the same way that they were supported when they had their own kids.

The millennials are witnessing this and aren’t buying in. The parents who didn’t want to parent also don’t want to grandparent.

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 16:24

genesis92 · 09/07/2025 16:04

I bet your parents helped you out with childcare

No, they didn't.

OP posts:
eatreadsleeprepeat · 09/07/2025 16:25

You can do both, we are enjoying semi retirement and freedom but see our gc when we can as they are at a distance. We help when we are there but not with regular childcare.

SatsumaDog · 09/07/2025 16:27

No, you’re not alone. When I finally retire, I want my time to be my own. I don’t mind occasionally babysitting, but I don’t want to be a default childcare option. I just don’t have the energy for it.

RedToothBrush · 09/07/2025 16:27

YABU

You are tieing yourself up in knots over something that might never happen.

And even if it does there no guarentee you will live close enough, they will want you to do any of those things, you will be in good enough health to accomodate requests anyway.

Just say, you've done your shift and you don't really want to help raise kids and you are just there for fun stuff.

Just be clear from the outside so the expectation isn't there.

LillyPJ · 09/07/2025 16:28

Fanxjanx · 09/07/2025 13:45

I think if you’re so selfish you don’t nurture any relationships in your life then you will end up lonely. That doesn’t mean to say you have to look after other people. But surely spending time with others (friends and family) is the whole point of life?!

It's not selfish. Maybe nurturing relationships so you don't end up lonely is selfish? Spending time with others is not the whole point of everybody's life. We're all different.

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