Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

You can babysit occasionally and give your DC the odd break and still have oodles of time for yourself. There's no need for such dramatism about kids that don't even exist and tasks that haven't even been asked of you. Unnecessarily negative. Set some boundaries as and when it's needed. Literally all takes.
My parents do nothing, and bemoan even the very thought of it despite never being asked. It's not done wonders for our relationship. Don't do that.

My mum always said to me babysitting was for emergencies only, changed her mind when they came along but she was adamant and I respected that.

Growing up I saw my grandparents once in a blue moon. Its not set in stone you have to do childcare or bail them out financially.

It will ultimately be your kids choice to have children and that's on them, not you.

It’s pretty sad really. My parents could wait to be grandparents, they are very involved in my young DC lives. My DH’s parents less so, as one doesn’t live close and the other only really visits on their birthdays.

Some grandparents are involved, have them for sleepovers regularly etc and some grandparents are less involved. Hopefully your DC marry people with parents who do want grandkids so they get support elsewhere

I have five granddaughters, aged from 6 to 16. I was working full-time until the youngest was three, so my relationship with the oldest four has always been based on doing fun stuff with them (with and without their parents) when I chose to, plus some occasional babysitting.

I chose to provide some childcare for the youngest once I retired, but on terms that worked for both me and her parents. I still do a couple of afternoons after school, and it’s a joy to us both - if it wasn’t, I’d stop. And I still take the others out for days in the holidays, because I enjoy it, but that fits round my other activities.

There isn’t one model of grandparenting.

That isn’t the role of grandparent in our family or friend group. I don’t know anyone IRL who pressures grandparents to provide so much. At most, they might babysit for an occasional date night or help in an emergency. There is definitely no financial component.

If you become a grandparent, tell your children to be better parents than those of your friends and not expect the grandparents to coddle so much.

I think of my mum as being very involved in DS, she sees him far more than anyone else. She's great with him and they love each other. What does that look like? She babysits for us about once every six weeks. And we go over there for Sunday lunch, or she comes over here, whenever we are all free (max once a month). That's it. That's by far and away the top banana most involved grandparent. My (divorced) dad does nothing whatsoever so you could always be more like him.

Just to say I'm a mum of 2 young children and I'd never expect my family to help or prioritise us in anyway. They're invited to join us when we do something as a family or there's a celebration, I occasionally ask them for help but always with a caveat of 'no obligations'. I didn't really used to ask for help, but mum has asked me to ask her as she wants to be more involved, so am trying to be less independent 😂

So I definitely think it's possible to be a grandparent with your own life going on and dip in when/if you want to,

As long as you haven't and don't promise care and support and then don't deliver, this shouldn't be an issue. Make it clear as time goes on that you don't want to be a hands on grandparent if your children start talking about having kids.

But be aware that if you do have grandchildren and you don't have a close relationship, they will be oblivious to you later on.

I've had aging thrown into sharp focus recently - my cool, young for her years mother has aged massively over the last 2-3 years and now sometimes even struggles to use her tablet and mobile. All of her friends - the ones who lived to be elderly - are suddenly moving away to be closer to their families.

My mum uses the grand children as an excuse to turn down her friends. They probably think I’m some kind of tyrant. In reality I see her about once a month and she has only babysat a couple of times in the last 10years.

I got fed up with friends banging on about their grandchildren until I had one😳
I'm just bloody lucky I guess. Yes, I did step up and have her basically from birth for 2 days/1 night a week, because of severe PN depression, and that was fine.
The 18month to about 5 year old, I had her one day a week, and occasional sleepovers - found that a LOT harder ( there's a reason women have the menopause.....).
But now, at 11 years old, we have the closest of relationships. We have a weekend away, just the two of us, every year, that started when she was 7.
Every school holiday, she has 2 days, 1 night per week with me.
I'm lucky because ive never felt obliged to provide any care ( outside of the first 6 months or so), I do it because I genuinely enjoy her company. I have so much more time, patience and good humour with her because the pressures I had when my children were young have gone.

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, perhaps that shapes our thinking.

Edited to add ; I had no help at all with my children, we lived at the opposite end of the country to family.

YANBU.
I am at the other end of the spectrum to you though as I do childcare for my DGCs and I wouldn't miss it for anything. DH and I still fit in time for ourselves and lots of holidays too but for us, we love having them.

I think the decision must be influenced by how much you enjoyed being a parent though as I absolutely loved it all and luckily my DCs lives were pretty normal and we had no real drama with them.

I also think there's a difference between not wanting them and volunteering to become involved. Because of course, it's absolutely not your decision if you have GCs. But you can decide how involved, or uninvolved, you are.

A relative of mine, who didn't have GCs always used to eye roll at my parents who were doting GPs and would get fed up of them talking about the GCs. She said she couldn't think of anything worse. Until her daughter had a child! And then she changed her mind completely, total 360. So don't burn your bridges yet!

Of course YANBU. But you don’t have to provide childcare or whatever if you don’t want to!
If your children start to look like they may be going down that road, find the right time and the right words and explain how you feel so they know not to expect it.
FWIW, the only GP my DS had living in this country is my mom and she never lifted a finger to help with childcare. But then, I never expected her to. And I don’t resent her for it. It was my decision to have a child and I did so knowing full well we wouldn’t get any help.

I agree whole heartedly with what you are saying.
I also agree that it is something you dare not say out loud .
I had my children young myself .I was 23 when first was born I'm almost 59 .
I have two grandchildren .
They are extremely strong willed and tiring I have never dealt with their 'personality type' before.
I find it extremely hard going .
I mind them 4 days per week after 2 -6 pm
I also have them if their mum and dad have anything to do at weekends .
I do it to help my daughter financially .
I am the only grandma so no one to share the load but it really gets me down I have become their childminder rather than granny.
If their parents fancy a night out that's on me as well.
I just want a break 🫣

No you are not alone. I am constantly puzzled by Grandparents who lavish more care on their grandchildren than they did on their own children.

I told all my AC when they disclosed that they were trying for babies……” do not expect me to give up my job to raise your children! I will babysit and step up in an emergency but they are your creation and your responsibility “ . I kept my word and have a fabulous relationship with all my AC and grandchildren.

Just to add, it’s a looooong way off for me as my DS is only 7 but if he ever has grandchildren, I can’t imagine I will be too eager to help. Odd baby sitting here and there is fine but using GPs as regular childcare in place of nursery or a childminder is a bit unfair IMO - unless the GP are very happy to mind them. I didn’t mind the baby stage so much but I wouldn’t look after another toddler if you paid me.

@Maverick66 bless you, you’re so caring and helpful! They’re putting a lot on you there! When do you get your breaks?

For me, it's having the time! When mine were young, I worked full time, cared for not only my family, but also elderly grandparents.
I did, actually, do loads with my boys, BUT , having no pressure on me timewise, means I get to enjoy what I do with my granddaughter, and really appreciate it.

It's not that other people's families are less close and caring than yours, more that they don't view their adult children as routinely in need of substantial hands-on 'help' on a regular basis. They think their children are, special circumstances aside, perfectly capable of looking after themselves and any children they might have.

It’s a bit of a strange thing to worry about. It hasn’t happened yet, you could have years before it happens and it might never happen at all. You have no obligation to do anything you don’t want to do. I have a 1.5 year old, my parents and retired and my mum looks after him once a week for me. She’s asked to do it, she wanted two days but I said let’s just see how one goes. It’s lovely they have time together and she gets 6 days a week to herself. Today she has gone for brunch and is getting her nails done.
My in-laws still both work, we’ve not asked them for any childcare at all. They have looked after my little boy three times so we could go for dinner but that’s not exactly a lot in 18 months and they could have definitely said no!

You’re extraordinary unpleasant.

I voted YABU, because these would be not your children and not your responsibility. You can be as involved as you look and travel as much as you like. It would be different if you had another child of your own. But in this case it is not up to you, nor are you bound to provide regular childcare.

I don’t necessarily think it’s grandchildren you don’t want, more the expectation that it will limit your life in some way. Because surely you don’t begrudge your children the joy of having children?
You just have to be very very clear on your boundaries from the start. If you aren’t up for babysitting but are fine with visits then say so.
I do tend to think that parents expect far too much of grandparents. It’s understandable in a way because of the cost of childcare, but it’s wrong, and children should never assume their parents will be their childcare. My neighbours are lovely youngish grandparents (I think maybe in their late fifties) to four kids between 5 months and 9 years old and it feels like they do far too much. Sooo many overnights and they are forever running the older 2 to their various clubs and activities as if they were there own children. I was talking to the man the other day and he looked knackered, telling me that he was up at 5am with the 18month old because his wife had been up twice in the night bottlefeeding the youngest. That’s just not what you want or deserve at that time in life!

I know two women my era who have become full time grandparents this year because their children had such chaotic lives social services were forced to remove the children. One has had a heart attack, the other has had to give up work .

The idea fills me with horror. To start all over again in your sixties 😱

My parents have never been hands on with my kids! Be as involved or not as you want!