Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

I very clearly remember a comment made to me by my mother when I was 15 (I am almost 59 now). It was "Don't you EVER ask me to look after any children of yours."

It was so very emphatically said that I can remember the comment itself without remembering at all what conversation led up to it. At least I knew where I would stand though - to expect nothing and regard anything I did get as a bonus.

My parents largely stuck by that mantra, though just to be totally fair, did provide very occasional emergency childcare when I was in hospital or something like that (two births of younger children and once a few years later for emergency surgery). Other than that it was a visit a couple of times a year if that but otherwise nothing. The same thing applied to my younger sister.

As a result, my parents' six grandchildren all grew up barely knowing them, which all of them have commented on or asked about on occasions.

My parents were very much those who just wanted to be in their own bubble once my sister and I had left home. Fair enough, we wouldn't ever have wanted them to be default childcarers but we would have liked something more than the all but "disinterest" that we actually got.

My Dad died several years ago now and my mother is on her own at 90. I do wonder now whether she now quietly regrets the way things were allowed to be. My sister and I visit her as often as we can because she is on her own (has carers). She seems more interested in us and her grandchildren now that she is alone than while they were growing up. Which is nice, but I find it a little bit sad that it didn't happen much earlier in their lives.

As someone said earlier in the thread, surely there must be a balance somewhere?? I definitely hope to strike it better than my parents did if I am ever fortunate enough to become a grandparent, though none of my adult children are showing much inclination to have children of their own yet and that's fine too.

I don't want to be a full time childcarer again, but I do want to know my grandchildren and see them as regularly as possible. I will also provide care in an emergency without moaning about it or guilt tripping.

I totally get why you aren’t looking forward to it. I’m not either!

But… I do think, if you want the best for your children, being a rock for them when they have their own kids is one of the most effective things you can do to boost their lives overall.

YANBU, many people feel.the same. I bet you will feel completely different when they come along and you get to know them though!
Assert boundaries from the beginning and just make the time you do spend with them is quality, meaningful time.

This is why I refuse to procreate. It opens up a lifetime cycle of caring for others that predominantly and disproportionately affects women. For so many, the only season in life where caring for others truly stops is when they're in a nursing home. Probably rarely visited by those they dedicated their lives caring for.

You are being unreasonable only because you don’t want them to have children. You can be a grandparent and not have to be the parent. We have 6 grandkids and see them when we want, which is regularly. We pick one of our GK up from daycare once or twice a week. We occasionally pick up another one who lives 40 minutes away when our daughter needs us to, based on her work schedule. We enjoy seeing them. We have family gatherings and the GK’s enjoy being around us and vice versa. Our kids and spouses all work. They pay for childcare when needed. They pay for summer camps when school is out. We are not their daycare or full time babysitters. It’s actually great being a grandparent because they come and visit, and then leave. Set the guidelines with your kids right away. It’s their responsibility to raise and support their kids if you do not want to.

I'm sorry if someone has already said this, but only just got home from work & my turn to get evening meal & I've only logged in while DH digging some spuds, gathering lettuce & tomatoes for a salad.

I think what you're really saying is that you don't want to do the caring for GCs while parents work, school holidays etc. I totally understand.

A friend of mine cared for her DD's 2 children for 3 days a week (she reduced her working hours & her DH took early retirement in order to do it) for 13 years - she was getting to the end of it when - guess what? Yup DD is PG & assumed her parents would continue with the childcare. They'd bought a motorhome & were looking forward to spending some time together while still young & fit enough. I've advised her to tell her DD that childcare is her problem & they're no longer available for 3 days a week. Her DD's choice to have another child & is CF to expect her parents to spend another 11 or so years caring for a GC. She feel guilted into it.

I am happy to care for our GC when we can, but our children have never expected us to do it. At the beginning of the school year I will give the weeks/days when we're able to help out & we put those dates in our diaries. If GC are sick & their parents need to work, if we can, we will look after them. If not we don't.

There is no expectation that we will care for them, but we do what we can as we love spending time with GCs - such fun.

I suspect once you hold that little one in your arms you will fall in love. Being a grandparent is a totally different relationship to being a parent - and so it should be.

From the person who made the comment below, knowing my adult son is disabled.

"your parents may well have prayed you didn’t have children, but sadly didn’t get their way."

And you call me unpleasant. Really?

My Mum said she didn’t want grandchildren but once they came along, she is an amazing grandmother and has the best bond with them. Crazy that ALL your friends who are grandparents say they’re worse off, tired etc as I don’t know any grandparents who complain like that at all…

Wow! That blew up 🤣
I wasn't expecting that.
Thanks for all the responses. To be clear "don't want" is probably a bit strong, but more a case of "not particularly looking forward to", "not desperate to become" a grandparent.

I'm not adult enough for that 🤣
Seriously, all my friends seem to either really, really hands on grandparents, who moan about how little time for themselves they get now, or can't wait to become one .... and I'm just looking at them, wondering "why". I feel as if I'm just starting to work out who I am, outside of being a wife and a mother, and don't want to feel like anyone other than "just me", for a while yet, anyway.

I'd agree with this. I felt very unsupported by my parents when my children were young (except by my DH, he was lovely though we were both struggling).

Better or more willing support from my own parents would have been nice although I knew it wouldn't be forthcoming. They did soften very slightly when they saw how I struggled and the effects, both physical and mental, that it had on me, but it didn't last.

DH's parents were much more interested, though weren't overbearing. Why couldn't my own parents have been more like that?

I have several grandchildren. I have never given up work/worked part-time to look after them. I have babysat I think twice. I am very fond of them all but I don't enjoy small children much. You do as much as you want and it is not difficult to make clear you are going to be a 'hands off' grandparent.

As soon as they mention having kids, move far away, @Reallyneedsaholiday

Me and DP have 5 adult kids between us and we would love grandchildren, him probably more than me.

Perhaps move to a one bedroom flat? Seriously, it seems daft to be worrying about something that's not on the horizon.

I have zero interest in having any grandchildren, my own parents have no life of their own as they do school runs most days as well as 2/3 full days a week for the younger grandchildren. I should add I moved away before having kids, I have never had, nor would I expect childcare from anyone. My brothers and sister really do take the p1ss though. I am due to retire in a few years and my retirement is for me, I won’t be spending it raising grandchildren

Not every grandparent WANTS to be close to their grandchildren. This is being held up as the Holy Grail - 'well, if you don't look after them and see them all the time, don't be surprised when they don't want to come and visit you'. But then an awful lot of children don't want to go and see Granny, particularly once they are teenagers and have lives of their own. So not being visited by your grandchildren is not necessarily purely the result of not caring for them when they were younger, it's a side-effect of their growing up.

I'm currently giving my campervan a facelift which is proving rather costly. I know I will love having DGC when the time comes (poss in next decade), but until then, I'm off, and after then, don't want a weekly commitment. My DC are already well aware this 🤣

You can do as much or little as you like as a grandparent

The only thing I'd add is that as a society, we have a massively ageing population where the percentage of working aged people is diminishing vs those not.

The idea that you hit 65-70 as an able-bodied / minded individual and stop contributing to society for the next 20-30 yeats because you have "earn't it" is gradually coming to an end as a consequence.

For many, their ongoing contribution is to provide some childcare so that their working-aged offspring can work to generate the growth that funds all of the healthcare / benefits etc that we take for granted, particularly as we get older.

So its perhals fortunate that many grandparents don't have the same mindset as you...

@Whoknows101 if you decide to have kids that is up to you and shouldn't factor in family being ad hoc child care.

Your entire post equates 'support' as childcare. My grandparents never once looked after us on their own. My entire relationship was based on them visiting us or us going to them and we had a wonderful relationship with them.

Not up to you and none of your business.

Don't worry lm guessing your children won't want to care for you in your twilight years

That’s fine, just don’t expect a good relationship with your children and definitely not the in law children also don’t expect any visits or care to be returned to you in your old age. Enjoy being alone and lonely!

I adore my GC and am actively involved in their lives. I have my own interesting busy life without them too.

She didn't mention childcare once.

Well I don't think your friends necessarily reflect the entire range of experiences out there.

If it happens be clear about what you want. When I was pregnant my mum offered to watch my little boy twice a week, I didn't ask her to, I was planning to put him in nursery.

She will not have him at weekends and I totally respect that. We stick to our boundaries, she gets to have a relationship with her grandchild (there is only one) and lots of time to herself.

Just agree what you want upfront, your experience doesn't have to be that of your friends.