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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting grandchildren

591 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 09/07/2025 14:12

ExercicenformedeZ · 09/07/2025 14:09

Possibly. I don't know if I agree with that or not, as people's circumstances can change. I get what you're saying, though. What I do 100% think is that grandparents who don't help at all with grandkids cannot expect any help as elders, either practical or financial.

Show quote history

Yep, it will also likely make people less likely to support elderly parents like they do today.

There is defo a shift, as many of us were cared for by our grandparents and see our own parents not making the same effort.

Ribecx · 09/07/2025 14:12

YABU - not because you don't want to take on responsibilities - but because you seem to think that's the only way?

You don't HAVE to do anything but it doesn't mean your children should or shouldn't have children. They'll do what they want to do, and you just be as involved or not as you like.

If you choose to get involved and do lots, that's your decision.

BoredZelda · 09/07/2025 14:13

safetyfreak · 09/07/2025 14:09

I have not seen this, I notice more that grandparents are already taking a huge step back.

Of course, there are some very involved grandparents, but they aren't usual in my circle sadly.

I think its sad because they do have less of a bond with their grandchildren than previous generations.

I expect the millennial generation will step up once its our turn to be grandparents as we understand what its like to not have any childcare support.

This is nonsense. My daughter has a brilliant and close relationship with her grandparents, none of them looked after her regularly.

Millenials will do the same as we all did - whatever works for them individually.

ExercicenformedeZ · 09/07/2025 14:15

safetyfreak · 09/07/2025 14:12

Yep, it will also likely make people less likely to support elderly parents like they do today.

There is defo a shift, as many of us were cared for by our grandparents and see our own parents not making the same effort.

Show quote history

Exactly. People can't say that they will enjoy their retirement without wanting any responsibility to family, and then demand that said family step up when they become old and infirm. I'm not making a moral judgement, just a practical one. By the time these older people are old enough to need help, their own kids might well be reaching retirement age and not really feel like changing bedpans etc.

Henbags · 09/07/2025 14:15

Why don't you worry about that when and if it happens, eh?

arcticpandas · 09/07/2025 14:15

Just make it clear to your children that they need to figure out chilcare BEFORE having kids because you want to rest and just do the occasional babysitting. Which is absolutely fine. I think it's the nursery fees that push parents to solicit gp, they are way too high. But, you have to figure it out or just not have children.

Hothothot25 · 09/07/2025 14:18

My mother rarely babysat for me - only when it was urgent or a work thing I had to go to, and she was very upfront with me about it. She had a lot of support from her and my Dads families, but it was her choice.

I hope I could be a much more involved grandmother if I'm lucky enough to have grandkids. I wouldn't do full time, but a couple of afternoons a week, the odd weekend, couple of weeks in the school holidays etc. This is what my parents got, and I would have loved it if they'd done the same, but my mum didn't want to.

There's a happy medium.

DyslexicPoster · 09/07/2025 14:20

My in laws -
Fil hasn't seen dc for 8 years
Mil lives abroad on the other side of the world and only comes over every few years. Only sees us and therefore grandkids when we puck her up or drop off to the airport. Her entire trip is to see her cousins and friends.

My 17 year didn't know dh step mum had and affair and how that's how he met her. My dad 10 doesn't know dhs mums name.
Neither the 13 year old or 20 year old could pick out fil or step mil in a line up. Doesn't know their name.

Not all grandparents are involved. Not all grandparents want any level of relationship with grandkids. And some like us are completely irrelevant strangers by their choice. My kids honestly don't care either

Hothothot25 · 09/07/2025 14:21

I'd hope that I would want to spend time with my grandkids. I'd also want to support my kids, to help to lighten the burden of juggling work and kids.

pitterypattery00 · 09/07/2025 14:21

You are equating having a grandchild to providing childcare and financial support. Neither me nor any of my close friends have used parents as regular childcare and it's not something we ever expected them to provide (our children have all attended nursery). We don't receive any financial support from parents and again, it would never cross my mind to expect this. Your friends may have decided otherwise but no reason why that's the model of grandparenting you have to follow.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/07/2025 14:23

I do understand this to a certain extent. Our DCs are mid 20s now, moved out in the last year or two. Our caring duties for our elderly parents have come to an end and both DH and I are winding down slightly with our careers (late 50s). We both want to travel and do loads of stuff whilst we are still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it.

I do feel guilt though as my in laws looked after ours 3 days a week for years. However, they had no interest in travel. Everyone is different and maybe I'll feel differently when/if they are here.

BeachPossum · 09/07/2025 14:23

OP your life is your own. As you say, you've raised your children. You don't have to help with theirs.

I think it would be worth having this discussion with your children if you think they are expecting help from you, so that they can plan accordingly. But you don't have to do anything if you don't want to.

It also doesn't have to be all or nothing - you may find if you ever have grandchildren that you enjoy spending time with them but don't want to do regular childcare. That's fine too.

Fancycheese · 09/07/2025 14:26

Well frankly it’s not your choice to make.’your children will decide whether or not they want to have kids and it’s got nothing to do with you.

Just be upfront with them and tell them you’re not willing to help with childcare. Plenty of grandparents are not involved. Just don’t expect to have a particularly close relationship with your kids and grandkids into your later years. Many parents are finding out that their parents want little to no part in caring for their grandchildren (which is ironic, given how many of me and my friends were practically raised by grandparents) and so it’s not uncommon. Just don’t switch on the emotional manipulation and demand access to them as you age. A relationship needs to be built first.

I also wouldn’t be worrying about this when it hasn’t even happened.

LBFseBrom · 09/07/2025 14:28

SparklyGlitterballs · 09/07/2025 12:20

No you're not alone OP. I sincerely hope my DC don't have kids, because I don't want to be looking after them. I find the older I get, the less tolerant I am too. Fortunately neither of my DDs seem keen on bringing children into todays awful world.

Today's world is no more awful than it has ever been. There is little happening now that hasn't happened before and there is a lot that is great.

However if any of your children did have kids of their own, you'd be fine and only as involved as you'd want to be.

I am 75 and very unlikely to be a grandmother now. When I was younger I imagined I would and quite looked forward to it (though never said much because I don't believe we should push our own hopes and expectations onto our kids), but am not bothered, I've had my life and can enjoy myself well enough now without.

fridaynightbeers · 09/07/2025 14:31

Nope.
Neither of mine are showing any interest in having kids (both the right age for it and with long term partners) and it doesn’t bother me at all. DH wants some, I think that’s because he feels he wasn’t mature enough to be a good dad to ours and wants the chance to prove himself!
I’ve had years of worry about my own kids and I don’t relish the thought of having extra people that I love madly and will therefore worry about.
As well as that, the world is going to hell in a handcart right now so I’d rather relax and enjoy my own life.
That said, if any came along I’m sure I’d adore them!

SylvanianFamiliesBalcony · 09/07/2025 14:31

You're totally misunderstanding what being a grandparent is OP. You're referring to grandparents that provide childcare. That's only a section of grandparents!

Being a grandparent can be whatever you want from it and make of it. Our kid sees his grandparents a few times per year on one side, every couple months on the other, and that's great for all of us. He knows and loves them but they're very much living their own lives too after years of childrearing.

For the grandparents doing too much and complaining about it, that's on them for not asserting themselves.

Esperanza25 · 09/07/2025 14:31

I think that everyone feels differently and that’s ok. I am a very involved grandparent and do a lot of childcare, because this is what I want to do. I also work part time and travel when I can.
so for me it’s perfect, as I like variety in my life and I love spending time with my grandchildren. I accept that other grandparents feel differently and there should definitely be no sense of obligation to help out.

ginasevern · 09/07/2025 14:33

Ninja2 · 09/07/2025 13:41

Why would it shock or offend me? It’s not that interesting. I was just pointing out that your parents may well have prayed you didn’t have children, but sadly didn’t get their way.

Show quote history

You obviously haven't properly read my response. There would be no reason for my parents to pray I didn't have children. Grandparents back then didn't have the involvement that they do now. Grandchildren had very little impact on their lives one way or another. They weren't required to do childcare (it just didn't happen) and they'd only babysit for very special occasions, if you were lucky. Grandparents at the school gate would've been unheard of, unless the child's mother had died. Asking for financial help didn't happen either because very few people had any money to speak of. So considering all of that why on earth would my parents pray I didn't have children? Do you have difficulty reading?

5128gap · 09/07/2025 14:33

Its a shame that feeling you'll have all these obligations puts you off GC being in your life. It's possible to have a mid point where you do what you're comfortable with and enjoy. The key is to be crystal clear before pregnancy is even on the cards. Most of the resentment on both sides comes from a lack of shared expectations. Tell your DC what you're prepared to do, and then they can plan their family in full knowledge of that.

tealandteal · 09/07/2025 14:34

You don’t get a say in whether you have grandchildren but you absolutely do in what your involvement is with them. Neither of my children’s grandparents have done any of the things you have mentioned. DS1 is 7 and my mum has looked after him for 3 days in his life, 2 at her request and one overnight when I had DS2 3 years ago. My in laws have DS1 stay with them once a year again at their request but otherwise all their involvement with the child is when we are there on visits or they visit us.

Clairesp85 · 09/07/2025 14:34

You are not unreasonable at all. I would never expect my parents to look after my child, they have raised their children and should enjoy retirement! I see other people just expecting free childcare from their parents, it is incredibly selfish.

Pivilepivling · 09/07/2025 14:36

Having grandchildren is a joy. You don’t have to be a childminder for them. End of.

Mary46 · 09/07/2025 14:38

I see your point op. My daughter still young. My friend minds grandkids she said its def expected now with cost living and once you help one out... I think your 60s is nice a bit of freedom too its well earned

Amba1998 · 09/07/2025 14:38

Your friends need to grow a backbone. I would be absolutely mortified if my mum scaled back on work to the extent of having less finances to look after my children.

I pay for childcare. My parents and in laws so have my kids when I’ve got a wedding or a night out or something but I don’t expect anything often. They spend time with them when they want. I disagree significantly with expecting parents to provide childcare to their grandchildren

just set some boundaries and I’m sure you’ll absolutely love being a grandparent

Jenkibuble · 09/07/2025 14:38

noidea69 · 09/07/2025 12:18

I think you can be as much involved in your grandkids life as you want to be really.

Just set boundaries around providing childcare & stick to it.

100 this !

It is wrong for grandparents to be put upon and assumed they will step up ! Obviously locality makes a difference. Mine were hours away. Friends of mine have theirs just round the corner (one has parents who dont knock , just waltz in. My idea of HELL)

It is your time now and that is OK / not selfish at all.

Enjoy :)