Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

OP still hasn't answered whether or not she expects that her children will provide elder care for her. I presume not.

Thankfully, it is not your choice.

You might feel differently when it’s an actual child that you love. I couldn’t watch my daughter struggle and not help out in a crisis but I don’t want to be a permanent free child minder.

This.

It's not up to you.

You can do / not do anything you choose. I have my grandchildren ( 3 years old and 17 months old) for 10 hours every Monday. They come for sleepovers once every 6 weeks or so. I love it, it's wonderful to see them grow and learn.Their great grandmother( my mum) is 86 . She visits every Monday afternoon . They have a lovely relationship with her and with their grandad. We have busy lives doing whatever we want to do from Tuesday to Sunday. We are well off, been retired for years ( we're 60 and 63) and are in very good health. My DILs parents don't babysit, don't do any regular childcare, don't adapt any part of their lives around the grandchildren and generally only see them if they meet at the pub. I am doing what I want and they are doing what they want . Son and DIL are happy with either option.

This, it's up to your dc not you.
You can choose not to be involved if that what you want but gc are a joy, you sound miserable

Why on Earth WOULD I “expect” my children to provide “elder care” for me? Do YOU expect your children to do that for you?

Thank you for finally answering the question! No, I wouldn't (I don't have kids anyway) but a lot of people on these boards seem to be terribly tied to their elderly parents, to the extent that they let it affect their life decisions. I'm glad that you don't expect your kids to do that.

So why assume your DC will expect childcare? Why on earth would you assume that?

I haven’t assumed anything.

Ok

Of course you have. Your whole thread is based on an assumption that grandchildren means childcare.

None of OP's posts make any sense.

They just need to say no, my parents did. Left to get on with it even after my divorce and potential homelessness. Bought my son up on my own and could literally count on one hand how many times my dad and his wife babysat him until he was old enough and my mother never did because her partner wouldn't let her and probably she wasn't bothered anyway. Women who cut their hours at work to sit a grandchild probably love it when the child is tiny but not so much when they're dealing with a screaming toddler. Bed made.

Are you a grandparent? Or parent to adult children?

No, it wasn’t based on that at all.

No, as I already told you, I don't have children. What I do have is reading comprehension, and your posts do not make any sense at all.

You can continue to be close to your adult children and a supportive loving presence, without having to actually provide any childcare to grandchildren. Honestly the idea that a grandparent will or should provide that is very presumptuous. Many simply can’t, whether they’d like to or not. Similarly giving loving support to your parent as they age is something people can do without necessarily being carers as such, and if you do a carer role it shouldn’t be conditional on having received childcare help. It’s supposed to be a personal relationship not a transaction.

Well, tbf OP that was quite a big element of it. 😂

l love my children dearly but can’t help thinking if l knew the full extent of the sacrifices parent make ( albeit willingly ) and the financial, emotional cost etc …l may not have had them and had a more fulfilling life . My kids don’t really want kids ( yet ) and l’m secretly happy for them ! So, no …l don’t want grandchildren really …

Maybe you should reread your own post 😂

That is a LOT of childcare your friends are doing. My parents did one day a week, which I viewed as being a lot of childcare. My MIL did more ad hoc childcare, she’d have them for sleepovers.

You saying about people viewing relationships as transactional could have been directed at me since I mentioned the relationship you will end up having with your children and grandchildren as you grow old. It’s not about providing care as such, but about building a relationship. My kids have a lovely relationship with their grandparents and get excited to see them. If you don’t maintain relationships while you’re able, it’s not that they won’t be willing to care for you, it’s that they might not bother visiting you in a nursing home if they feel you haven’t bothered with them. You are not obliged to provide childcare, but your original post gave the impression you didn’t want to spend much time with them at all. I apologise if I misinterpreted that.

We've always told my mum that if she is able to help out we appreciate it, however if she doesn't want to, to be brutally honest with us and just let us know, and she often does say "sorry, am doing my own thing so look after your own kiddos" and that's fine, because they are our children, not hers. You're kids need to understand that if they have children, you are not a guaranteed babysitter. Also there are other ways to help when people are struggling with the kiddos like, doing a little bit of shopping for them or a gift card so they don't have to cook for an evening or something. And again you are not obligated to do this.

Believe it or not I WROTE my OP 🙄

Then frankly, you won’t understand what I was trying to say.