Page 17 | Not wanting grandchildren

Crackanut · 10/07/2025 17:54

BedtimeWorries889 · 10/07/2025 17:36

@Crackanut You quoted me here. If you read my post, my mum has never been asked to do any childcare whatsoever. I have a nanny who I absolutely love and my son adores.

Like the OP, my mum made it clear her child rearing days are over and I respected that.

But the fact is, when you don't do the boring trips to the park or whatever else involved grandparents do, children don't know you and don't really give a fuck.

You can't expect to walk through the door and get smiles and hugs from a toddler you barely see and never play with. Now THAT is entitled.

Show quote history

Nonsense. My grandparents didn't do any of my parents parenting for them or "the hard boring bits" as you describe it. My siblings and I adored our grandparents, we loved going to visit them. I managed to have an amazing relationship with them despite never being in a park with them. 🙄

Whyamiherenow · 10/07/2025 17:57

My parents sound similar to you. Never wanted grandchildren. Then when I was nearly 40 and they were 70s. I had a baby. He is 3 now. They are over the moon and very happy. Something they didn’t know they might want or enjoy in life. I guess never say never and embrace what appears.

Libraryldy · 10/07/2025 18:03

And then are those of us who have become permanent guardians of our teenage grandchildren, due to their screwed up parents who, because of their own life choices, lost their parental rights. I was getting ready to retire at the age of 65 from being a high school librarian for 25 years, when we had to rescue our grandchildren. Three years ago, my husband and I became guardians of our three oldest grandchildren without any support from the parents. There are two younger girls (4 & 6) who were sent to foster care and have since been adopted by a wonderful family. Needless to say, retirement has been delayed until these teenagers age out and are in school or working. Even though one has now joined the Navy, one just graduated from high school, and one is a rising high school junior, we are still supporting them until they are ready to be on their own. The courts say 18 is adult - but we all know that really isn't true. My recent graduate wants all her freedom now and says she's an adult. When I ask her about rent, a car, groceries, job, moving out, etc. she gets very quiet.
So, no. You are not being unreasonable. My hopes for a restful retirement have been put on hold for a year or two more. I'm turning 68 this year and I'll be at least 70 before I get a break. Even though we dearly love our grandchildren, I would rather have the role of grandparent - seeing them occasionally - rather than the role of full-time parent. I already did that.

Missingpop · 10/07/2025 18:06

Personally I think it’s up to you what you want to do or not do; all I can say is since my grandchild arrived I’ve never been happier I love every second I’m with the gorgeous little human; I’d happily spend 7 days a week caring for my grandchild; but sadly my child lives to far away so I only get a couple of days each month but it’s time full of fun & laughter & lots of love. What I will add is until you become a grandparent you won’t know how you feel it’s a totally different love that you feel compared to that you feel towards your children I didn’t believe my friend but she was right it’s so special & unique x

Kelly1969 · 10/07/2025 18:06

Exactly this!
OP is predicting issues that are not there, as if you’ve brought your children up to be kind and independent they won’t be making assumptions about getting help.
I’m assuming OP had no help from her parents and grandparents tho!

knor · 10/07/2025 18:16

My dd is only 2 so I can’t really comment on grandchild but I actually think this is totally fine. As people have commented, just manage expectations if one of your children decides to have a child. Be as involved as you want. Some grandparents do no child care and some grandparents do loads. Don’t be persuaded in to doing something you don’t want to do.
you can easily be the granny that sees them once a month or once every few months.
I would say my mum thought she’d feel the same but once my daughter was born, she changed her mind. But it’s 100% fine either way

HappiestWhenGardening · 10/07/2025 18:18

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

Totally agree with you OP.
i have 3 grown up sons and would be very happy to put off indefinitely the possibility of grandchildren, for all of the reasons you mentioned. I too see older people struggling to care for little kiddies when they clearly don’t have the energy or health to do so.

HappiestWhenGardening · 10/07/2025 18:23

AlexisAlexis · 10/07/2025 15:12

When you make the decision to have children, you have a duty to care for them FOREVER. That means supporting them throughout their lives, including if/when hey have children of their own. You can’t just cut and run when you feel like it! I think you’re incredibly selfish.

Show quote history

“Incredibly selfish”?! Don’t be so silly! We cared for our children and raised them but you’re suggesting we have to take on the care of the next generation too! Now you are sounding very entitled!

Tessabelle74 · 10/07/2025 18:24

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

No one HAS to do those things. Personally my parents babysit once a year, I've never asked for more than that. I don't begrudge that, kids were MY choice

YoNoHeSido77 · 10/07/2025 18:33

I felt the same, I didn’t even want children. (I had fertility issues and DS1 was a HUGE surprise and I didn’t want him to be an only child, hence DS2).

i just started to be able to do anything I wanted, we booked a bucket list once-in-a-holiday and had stuff planned.

Then my granddaughter arrived (I WAS NOT happy when my son initially told me) and my life changed forever.

She’s the most amazing thing in the world and I’d both kill and die for her.
I look after her Thursday to Sunday one week and Wednesday to Monday the next and I’d happily give up everything in my life to ensure she is loved, cared for and looked after. I was concerned about how my husband would take it because the children aren’t his but he’s also fallen under her spell and they are like two peas in a pod.

so I absolutely understand because I felt the same, but then she arrived and she is more important than anything.

fetchacloth · 10/07/2025 18:33

If and when grandchildren come along set boundaries.
Before I got married my parents made it very clear that they wouldn't be able to do any childminding.
I would never expected it anyway as I think it's unfair unless they're really up for it.

Devonshirerexx · 10/07/2025 18:48

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

To be honest, I do get where you are coming from. I was made a nana eight years ago. My partner feels the same. We have grandchildren overnight twice a month and help where we can. For instance, when they go on holiday, we have the grandchildren for a week or two, and I personally don't mind doing it, but my other half complains. We're 45, so obviously this happened prematurely for us; our first parents were 18, but they are successful adults and parents, quite proud.

But we are still young and have brought our own up, so always said we hoped they wouldn't start early, but it's different when they are here; you fall in love all over again like you did when you had your own, but we get the lovely bits and can hand them back to the parents.

Bryonyberries · 10/07/2025 18:50

I’m quite looking forward to being a grandparent but I want to be the kind they visit once a week and I have the for the occasional sleep over or school holidays. I wouldn’t want to commit to weekly childcare while they work. My children range between 27-16 so the possibility is increasing.

Blablibladirladada · 10/07/2025 18:52

You are certainly not the only one feeling like it would be nice to be more selfish :)

I am sure that the reasons why you went all in for your children would naturally repeat for your grandchildren though.

Omgblueskys · 10/07/2025 18:53

Op you can dip in and out but it's your shout, they understand, baby sit or don't, you get all the nice bits of being a nan, don't agree to things your not ready to do, that's OK,
Am just retired been travelling on and off now see gc when am home, my two eldest have joined me on holiday for a couple of weeks and it's great having them here but they are older so less need to fuss, but honestly we have the best relationship,

You have to do what's right for you, and it's OK not to be that grandmother who is there everyday wanting to babysit, do school run and things, your adult children will figure it out, and they will, shouldn't be expected should it, but you will enjoy all the nice smily times and pass back when they have a melt down 😁

AlexisAlexis · 10/07/2025 18:53

HappiestWhenGardening · 10/07/2025 18:23

“Incredibly selfish”?! Don’t be so silly! We cared for our children and raised them but you’re suggesting we have to take on the care of the next generation too! Now you are sounding very entitled!

Show quote history

In what way am I sounding very entitled?

NaneePolly · 10/07/2025 19:06

I was not expecting grandchildren to come along just as I was retiring, neither did I expect at aged 67 to be looking after a 93 year old father. I too envisaged a life of freedom but that’s not how it’s worked out. Be careful what you wish for!!

Carpedimum · 10/07/2025 19:11

Someone I know took exactly the same stance as you @Reallyneedsaholiday She refused to visit her first grandchild for 3 weeks after they were born lest her DS & his wife get any idea that she’d be anything other than remotely involved. Then she met the child and couldn’t get enough of her! Absolutely doted on her and was very hands on and ever present. You just might feel differently if it happens.

IWantAShitzu · 10/07/2025 19:17

I think it’s fine to be as involved as you want, one of my kids grandparents is barely there. My only advice would be please don’t complain about your kids ‘not bringing’ their kids to see you, like my kids grandparent does.xx

Geoff1960 · 10/07/2025 19:20

No your not alone. I'm 65 and my wife is 60
The babies birth is imminent and it scares the hell out of me. My wife is totally besotted with the idea but I can't get my head around it. My daughter is married to a military man and he's in special forces so he's not often there. .my daughter is totally dependent on us because that's the way my wife had made it. Although she does not live with us she is constantly on the phone with this problem and that problem. My wife loves the fact she is so dependent but quite frankly it drives me nuts . I just want to be left in peace but my wife and daughter make that impossible.

Original poster

Reallyneedsaholiday · 10/07/2025 19:22

Because I was interested

OP posts:

Lisajane47 · 10/07/2025 19:25

Your not alone!! I was the same, still am the same, i told my kids not to expect babysitting services ect. I still work and i wanted to enjoy child free time, so they knew where they stood!

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 10/07/2025 19:33

Neither my parents nor my in-laws provided childcare for us. They still enjoyed being grandparents.

JustMeAndTheFish · 10/07/2025 19:49

Reallyneedsaholiday · 09/07/2025 12:16

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

No, you’re not alone. My daughters don’t want children and my son isn’t in the position to have any yet.
If grandchildren came along of course I’d spoil them to bits but I’m happy with the status quo tbh.
I’m not fond of small children and live too far away to be useful. My daughters knew as teenagers that if they accidentally got pregnant I would not be looking after babies so they could go back to study.
This might sound heartless, but I love my children to bits.

restingbitchface30 · 10/07/2025 19:54

I hope one day to be like my Nana. She had us every weekend. We would watch generation game and all those type of Saturdays night shows! We would eat our body weight in snacks and on a Sunday morning I woke up to the smell of bacon cooking and come down to bacon, egg and toast and half a grapefruit loaded with sugar! I treasure those memories and wish I could have one more day with her to just smell and hug her some more. She was an absolute queen. Grandparents are crucial and perhaps looking at it like this will make you look forward to it a bit more.