Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

Some of my kids are older than that - just have no plans to have children of their own yet. Others are younger.
My OP was really based on my friends and work colleagues, all either really really excited to be grandparents, or voicing jealousy of those who are and desperately wanting to become grandparents asap. Whereas im just sitting thinking "im just starting to enjoy my life outside of being a parent" and im in no rush to change that again.

I won’t be providing regular childcare as well. The odd babysitting but nothing regular. I’m 43 with a 2yo and 9yo and I have found being an older parent the hardest thing in my life. Once I’m done, I’m done. Besides I will be too old in any case so I would rather be involved from a different perspective than a child care role.

My dm on the other hand does so much for all her GC. But when she was 43 we were all adults/ in uni. She’s 66 now and has has 20 years of her life again for herself. So is ready to help out a lot with the GC. I don’t expect her to but she wants to. I will not be doing that.

When you make the decision to have children, you have a duty to care for them FOREVER. That means supporting them throughout their lives, including if/when hey have children of their own. You can’t just cut and run when you feel like it! I think you’re incredibly selfish.

Ha ha ha the is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! They are ADULTS! You are not beholden to your kids for the rest of their lives! 😂

I’m not fussed either. Our eldest is 35 and has shown no interest in having children, she’s a primary school teacher so that may have a bearing on it. The other two are late teens and have also said they don’t want children. If they do I know I’ll adore them and probably would give up my time but it’s definitely not something I yearn for.

I really wanted to be a grandma too and I'd have loved to be one younger but obviously my dds wanted to have an established career and a mortgage before they had any dc. They saw how I wasted my degree and have been left financially insecure due to being a SAHM and having an awful exdh. I'm 60 in a couple of months and have 2gc with one on the way. Dd1 was 32 when she had her first dc and dd2 30.

@thisisfrommathilda couldn't disagree with you more, your children don't stop needing love support and guidance just because they are adults. You are a parent for life, not just as long as you feel like it.

Imagine if you had a disabled child, or if one of your children became disabled, would you stop caring for them when they turned 18?

I hope my children feel they can still ask me for help if they need it when they are adults.

Out of interest, would you mind giving an idea of what age you are/ what stage of life you are at?

That's why they keep having children, they'll always find someone to palm them off to so they think it's easy. I know someone with 5 children, the oldest 18 and they youngest not yet 2. Her father took early retirement, he's been nothing but a full time child-minder since. Her oldest has been chief babysitter since 14 when Mum works at weekends (her dad does weekdays). She's recently moved in with her parents (all 6 of them) since the last relationship ended and her mother is struggling big time with it all. The stuff of nightmares.

Hmm. I agree that parents have a duty to help their adult children if they have a crisis or are really struggling. But I don’t think that extends to providing regular free childcare. That’s a “nice to have” not a need.

We had our 4th child when I was 39. Didn’t find it any harder than when my previous 3 were born. Now I’m in my 70’s and enjoying grandkids ranging in age form months old to 12 yrs old. We didn’t felt the need to have years off between raising our kids to enjoying grandkids. Seems you are thinking you will have to be caretaker of the grandkids. You can be a grandparent and have the best of both worlds.

I’m in my 40s. I have an adult child. Why?

Of course they need love and support. You cannot compare having a disabled child (which I do have) with a child in their 30's palming off their 3 kids to you every day for free childcare! Ridiculous comparison.

Well that's hardly the same as having 3 or 4 who all have children and who are all looking for a piece of granny is it? I have one child too so I won't be in the same situation as my sister who has 3 children and 8 grandchildren, grandchildren all came within 4 years of each other. She's constantly in demand but just can't do more than she does. What she does for one you can be sure the rest want the same so she had to cut right back what she does.

I also know someone who looked after one gc 3 days a week when they were a single grandchild. by the time that child went to school another 3 gc came along and there was assumptions she'd do the same. She had to explain that looking after 1 was a whole different ballgame to having 3 together to look after. The entitlement is staggering.

No it isn’t the same. If my adult child, and my teenager have multiple children each I’ll gladly take care of them. I can’t understand people that view spending time with their children/grandchildren as a chore.

No-one said spending time with grandchildren was a chore. Being a child-minder is the chore.

There are lots of people that don't live anywhere near grandparents so relying on them for childcare isn't an option. This is us, We've never had any help and we just get on with it.

Yes my friend is very tired minding kids. 60s. I help on school bus so I like to switch off come friday. My dd still young no kids. It does tie your week.. would help yes. Full time no. Im 50s

I think you are gonna have to accept that they will have a family of their at some point and that's a beautiful thing. With that being said, you will also have to set your own boundaries when it comes to it, so that you are able to enjoy and live your life how you plan to. I bet when the time comes you gonna love them and spoil them but on your own time and terms ❣️

Grandmother to several here and I have them 1 at a time on a rota basis 😆 for the weekend.
I enjoy that 121 time and find out about their world that way and we chat, swim, cinema, seaside and mischief together. I also direct debit pocket money. But that is me..
My friend says I'm bonkers and she sees hers a coupleiof times a year and pops £20 in the birthday and Christmas cards.
The thing is, there is no right or wrong. You aren't being selfish, its just about what you want to do.
I live alone and enjoy the company and arrange 'my age' things inbetween their visits. I work still part time too.
I have another friend who through circumstances that aren't her fault hardly sees her grandchildren but when she does she treats them to lunch and a little shopping with no sleep overs.
So everyone is different and that's OK.
Please dont refer to yourself as selfish because we all have different views, backgrounds and stories.

Do what my parents do and opt out of ever helping! You can have an entirely selfish, carefree life while watching your children struggle. If they beg for emergency help, you can make it clear it’s an absolute hassle. Just be prepared for your relationship with your child to suffer and for your grandchildren to be entirely indifferent to you.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I hope they all have 4 kids each and have nothing to do with you,god sakes you sound so miserable,Some of us are lucky to have a great relationship with our children and couldn't wait to be Grandparents..currently waiting on 2nd grandchild to be born any minute,yes I have my granddaughter alot,why cause I want too and her other Grandparents do also..we also live our lives and have holidays without her..life dosent stop when you have them as you make it sound like it does..get over yourself fgs

@Crackanut You quoted me here. If you read my post, my mum has never been asked to do any childcare whatsoever. I have a nanny who I absolutely love and my son adores.

Like the OP, my mum made it clear her child rearing days are over and I respected that.

But the fact is, when you don't do the boring trips to the park or whatever else involved grandparents do, children don't know you and don't really give a fuck.

You can't expect to walk through the door and get smiles and hugs from a toddler you barely see and never play with. Now THAT is entitled.

For what its worth myself and sister have 5 kids between us 11, 9,9,7,4 our mum never really initiated seeing them or having them, we never used her for childcare apparently from the odd emergency (my partner put an angle grinder in his leg and she sat on them whilst we went to hospital) shes not very well nowadays (parkinsons) but shes never had to watch our kids for us to work (always sorted our own childcare) shes never helped us financially (we have better income than her and treat her to the stuff occasionally) and she chooses qhen she wants to see the kids. She had the older three girls for some craft sessions a couple of summer holidays a go. She also spent her entire 30s 40s caring for everyone else. So long as you set it out clearly from the start i dont think anything will be expected x

It's not choice or decision to tell your children not to have kids. Grandchildren should be cherished.