Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

You don't have to do any of those things..

Yeah this does my head in too. The daft memes people put up about their grandkids make me like...🙄And some of them post things that suggest they have 'never known love like it,' and it seems they like/love their grandchildren more than they love/loved their own children, which I find a bit weird.

DS (DGC1 on both sides) is 21 both grandmothers absolutely dote on him and support him far more with far fewer expectations ( think housing, taking him out for meals, finacial support through University) than they did for their own children. I think they might admit they love him more or maybe in just a different sort of less transactional way.

If you don't want to get involved in childcare make that clear when they are born.
It is not compulsory.
DW and I do very little for our DGS. Nobody minds.

As a grandparent you have the choice to be as involved or not involved as you choose. If you don't want to used for childcare or baby sitting then don't do it.

My children have 3 sets of grandparents as my parents separated when I was young. My mum still works and live 3-4 her drive away so she just sees us and the kids when they visit and haven't babysat ever on the 5 years kids have been alive.

My dad also works and just visits the kids when he wants, never asked him to babysit and probably wouldn't tbh as not sure he would cope with both alone.

My partner's parents are both retired but they never offered childcare and we never asked, they have babysat for us a couple of times but literally just sat here and watched TV while kids in bed as we sort them before we have gone out.

Yes we don't have much time away from the kids but they are young, and it will come as they get older. We have had my sil babysit the two times we have been out in the day time.

Basically what I'm getting at is just do what you are comfortable with, don't offer if not committed, as hard to take it back after. Just do the fun bits and hand them back when had enough.

You can still have a life. I’ve got 5 grandchildren, all adult now, and I’ve led my own life as well.

Being a gran was just one part of my life.

You can be as involved, or not, as you want to be. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve voted unreasonable because I just think you should give yourself a break! It sounds like your kids are barely or not even 18. It would be nuts to be thinking about grandkids. I left home at 18 and didn’t have my first until 30 - my mum had a decade of having fun and doing what she wanted. Now she loves being a grandparent, offers holiday cover due to distance but it’s entirely what she wants to do

@Milker what a strange way to attempt to insult someone. I am perfectly capable of managing my childcare by myself, we could comfortably afford to pay for nursery if needed.

My parents help me because they love me and my children and they want to, not because me or my husband are incapable, and it is nice to help the people you love - even if it isn't "necessary"

My grandparents could afford to pay for a home help, they are also able to do cleaning, light garden work and get on the bus to do their food shopping, they don't need to because me and all their other grandchildren love them and want to help them.

What a negative perspective you have on having a community and helping others.

This is so polar opposite to my mum but equally I get it. We don't take the Mick with her at all, I am self employed for this reason but she helps hugely as husband was often deployed when first one was little. Childcare changes massively help take that pressure off now financially , some abs take the piss with their parents though. One set of grandparents don't do any of that however but I appreciate how involved the other set want to be. I acknowledge how grateful I am to the other set and let's hope the world is a slightly better place if mine choose too have children but we will hopefully find a balance between our life and helping them x

I wasn't 'insulting you'. I was pointing out that closeness and mutual care among families expresses itself in many ways, and doesn't necessarily include day to day childcare, regardless of anyone's finances.

My parents are 79 and 82 and I help them out, like my siblings. They have never done childcare for my DS, even after we moved to live close to them. My siblings don't have children. It's not some kind of weird quid pro quo of intergenerational obligation.

You can nurture friendships without being close to family.

@Milker neither did I - I would help them even if they hadn't provided childcare for me - because I love them and it is nice to help people you love.

You literally said "They think their children are, special circumstances aside, perfectly capable of looking after themselves and any children they might have" if that wasn't supposed to be rude I think you are absolutely kidding yourself.

The issue is when grandparents with attitudes to GC like yourself then get upset/take it personally when their children and GC don’t want to spend birthdays/Christmases etc with them. Similarly, don’t be offended when the grandparents on your DC’s husband/wives side DO want to make the effort meaning than the DC grow up being much closer to that side of the family.

It’s all give and take. Grandparents that make more of an effort to spend time with GC and to help out where needed will foster a closer relationship with their DC and DGC and I’m sure will reap the rewards of that.

You can’t have it both ways.

Don’t worry OP. My parents do absolutely nothing for me or my children. They provide no support or interest in my life and only seek to have my support of them and their issues.

It’s one of the many reasons I have no contact with them anymore. So now you’ve done all your parenting - you can be rid of them altogether.

Sadly for my kids, they’ll always be tied to me as I oddly want to be a positive support for them forever

@Neurodiversitydoctor my df absolutely adore my 4dc and can't do enough for them (dm to a lesser extent). They didn't help when they were very young (I didn't need it as SAHM and they were working full time) but they can't do enough now. I think my late db and myself have been a disappointment to them especially dm so they enjoy having such wonderful gc. My dc are aged 17 to 34.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it

OP didn't say she wants nothing to do with future grandchildren.

I think expecting full time care for your kids from your parents is such a selfish thing to do. My friend's sister does this. Drops her 2 kids over every weekday morning to her parents at 7am and collects at 6.30. That couple don't get a lie in, has to be on, all day every day and it has taken it's toll on her. It's bloody wrong. You see them in Tesco, frazzled older people trying to wrestle a two year old into a trolley and looking frazzled. All day, every day. Selfish, entitled and wrong. A couple of days a week absolutely but anyone who sends their kids to their parents every day, full time needs a good slap.

To be fair, her parents need to say no to her if they don't want to do it.

I agree with you BUT she is an entitled little cow so if they say no she wouldn't let them see the kids. Moans about how she can't afford childcare and has no other choice than to run her parents into the ground by them doing it for free, I don't know how anyone can do that to their parents. Then you get the..ohh Mum LOVES having them, they really enjoy looking after them...no love, they don't, not all day every day at their age.

If she'd do that, she's obviously very toxic generally.

This is not the situation for most grandparents, thankfully.

Somone I look after has a sister who is always asking for childcare for her 8 year old and is now pregnant again despite the 'father' saying he wants nothing to do with the baby once it's born (they are together). She is now trying to find someone to palm not yet born baby onto for most of the time. I don't know why she is having it tbh as she spends barely any time with the one she already has.

Nevertheless, expecting grandparents to look after children full time, all day every day is wrong. Horribly selfish and wrong.

Fine, but the way to put a stop to it is for grandparents to be very clear about what they're willing/not willing to do and assert their boundaries firmly.

I do agree in essence but I think a lot of them are guilted into it because their children tell them they cannot afford to work and pay childcare so there is a lot at stake there. Mortgages etc to pay and they have to work etc so they only choice is the grandparents. It's very hard to say no in that circumstance and terribly unfair.

Also, in saying that, I do agree that grandparents should be upfront from the time a child is born or even before that they are not up for full time childcare. I stress the words full time here.

Agreed