Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

You have a choice but I can’t help but find this attitude sad and indicative of the decline of community and duty/responsibility to each other in the U.K.

People can disagree with me and I’m sure this thread will have many who do.

My view is, if your family is loving, safe and stable, you do what you can to support them. I am in my 30s and provide caring support for my grandma, who looked after me once a week as a child. My parents have my children twice a week so I can work full time and save money. I 100% envisage myself supporting them in their older age, and would expect my DC to be involved in offering whatever love/support/time they can in line with their lives, location and work etc. To me, that is the spirit of community, and the family unit.

I love England, and would never want to live elsewhere but I think this is one big area where we fall down as a country and it adds to the lack of connection, contribution to society and commitment that I see in the younger generations I work with.

Just be honest with your children about this. My mum loves spending time with me and my daughter, but I never expect any money or babysitting from her. Some times we see her once a month, it can be less frequently than that depending when it is good for her.

She is the same as you, spent a lot of her life raising children and doesn't want to raise her grandkids too. I'm happy for our relationship to be on her terms - she gave so much of her life for me already, I can't expect it as an adult too!

Firstly, no guns involved, would be almost impossible for her to obtain a FAL where they live.

Secondly, my Auntie complains that she rarely gets to see me and wants to see me more. However, whenever we arrange to meet she ALWAYS has the children, and the last time I grinned and bared it, they broke a gift I had just bought for my children. Which was not replaced.

Thirdly, my Auntie NEVER gets a break, she is EXHAUSTED from it and run ragged, she WANTS to see me and spend time with me once per year when I am there to visit, but sadly and frustratingly, she is never without these children because of her daughter's demands.

So, instead of calling me entitled, when it's my Auntie who actually is asking to see me because she loves me, perhaps realise that it's her demanding daughter who is the entitled one. My Auntie spends a small fortune on days out for these children and the daughter does not pay for any of it. My cousin has always been a user and a taker, she does it to my own parents too.

We don’t have any grandparent childcare, yet both sets of grandparents enjoy spending time with their GC and vice versa. I really don’t understand the outrage you sometimes see on here from people who expect their parents to look after their GC!

So why doesn't your Auntie say no to her DD once in a while if she wants too see you alone so badly?

This

Some people on here sadly appear to equate their relationships to a transaction
”if you don’t look after your grandkids don’t expect your kids to look after you in your old age”
seriously??
Do you REALLY only do things for others because you want something off them in return?? I find that incredibly sad.

I haven’t said I wouldn’t “help out”, I haven’t even said that I wouldn’t give up work or whatever else my children needed me to do to support them, I simply said that I was looking forward to a time of my life when I could be “just me”, and not just a wife/ mum/ grandmother or whatever. I want to enjoy being “me” for a bit, and finding out who I am, instead of being “desperate to be a grandparent asap”, as so many people I know appear to be. Maybe it’s partly to do with having children at a reasonably young age.

Hi mum, is that you?

But why have you ever been just a wife / mum etc?

Me and DP had DD fairly young, but neither of us have ever been just a spouse, just a parent. We've kept our own lives, own interests, seen our own friends and pursued our own hobbies. And that won't change once we're grandparents either.

Honestly OP, you sound like a martyr, like you've wrapped your whole identity up in your family for years and now you need your freedom. You didn't need to do that then, and you don't need to do that once you become a grandparent either.

I think this is probably a result of the vast increase in the cost of childcare, compounded by huge mortgages. It really does lead to a huge financial gap between those who can get family help and those who can’t. For many the cost of a second child in childcare will take the entire earnings of one parent. Many grandparents, if close enough will offer at least one day a week care as they know the pressure the parents are under. I think that ideally grandparents are for occasional care, in emergencies, to let the parents get out occasionally, for taking the children out and as they get older possibly taking them away. But we don’t live in an ideal world so each have to do what works for us.

Because my cousin is an utter nightmare, and people walk on eggshells around her so as not to cause her to erupt!

My Auntie wants to "keep the peace"!

Besides, there would be no one else she could palm her children off onto other than my own mum. My own mum did actually try to facilitate me and Auntie having a chat for 10mins in another room, by looking after the three children, this is when they ended up breaking my children's newly bought and unused gift. The children are a nightmare, much like their mother. Everyone rolls their eyes at my cousin, yet no one will stand up to her. Fortunately, I've not seen her in over a decade, as I live in a different country!

I don’t think what you’re describing is standard my any means, I have two children and have never once asked either set of grandparents to look after them, we’ve always managed with nursery and flexibility from our employers so our children have never been babysat by anyone! The grandparents often ask to have them or look after them so sometimes if it’s feasible then we agree, but we have never been the ones to ask or suggest!

I think you just have to find that perfect balance. Do enough to be involved with them, but don’t compromise what you want to do either. I have one Dgd. Love her to bits. I see her for a couple of hours every weekend, and have her overnight once a month. Which is perfect for me. I work during the week full time in a job I really like. So it’s a balance that works for me. Not sure I’d want to give up work to be a babysitter every day, as some of my friends have done.

You reap what you sow IMO. It’s fine to not want to be involved with your grandchildren but you can’t then moan when you don’t have a close relationship with your kids/grandkids and they don’t bother visiting you or keeping in touch.

Oh, I agree with you. I was responding to someone saying that grandparents now were less likely to help out than in the past.

With a name like that … probably 😂

So she could just say no if she really didn't want to do it. You're not Aunties priority, which is quite normal.

My mum has always been a handsome on nan whilst my husbands mum has always been a visit a few times a year nan. Whilst she lives slightly closer than my mum at 5 minutes in the car compared to mine about 10 minutes away. They each have their own style. We have never expected help from either. Ironically the mil helps out with our nice and nephew an hour away much more than with our children. Mind you ours are now almost adults.

I think you have a right to vent and not want the responsibility to look after any more children. But your kids are their own people and will make their own choices regarding family.
Like many others said, you have no obligation towards your kids to look after your future grandchildren. I raised my kids with almost no help from my parents as I moved to another country. My mum looked after my eldest a handful of times , my eldest is 21 now. And seen my youngest also a handful of times due to her getting old and frail.
We managed on our own just my husband and I. Our parents got to be grandparents without the burden of really looking after their grandchildren as a job or responsibility. Many families raise their own children without involving their parents in childcare.
Of course you should take time off and enjoy your time kids free. I plan to do the same.
But you can't really impose yourself in choices your adult children make regarding family.

its entirely up to you how much you are involved with your grandchildren and how much you wish to support your children. You can set boundaries.

I'm from the generation where we were palmed off each summer/school holiday to our grandparents, now our parents don’t wish to be involved with their grandchildren.

You don’t need to be involved or support your children as you enjoy living your life, but don’t expect us to provide care and support to you when you may need it in the future.

from the generation who miss their grandparents and are recovering from generational trauma caused by their own parents.

It isn't so much that it's transactional, just that by the time you are of an age to need care, your children may feel much the same way that you do, that they want to have time to themselves and not be tied down by caring for you. Would you accept that, or would you feel hard done by? If the latter, then I think that you are being hypocritical.

I’m with you. I have 3 kids and I’m really hoping they don’t have 3 each!

I’m 60, and none of my adult children, but in particular my daughter, seem ready for children yet.
I really WANT to be a grandma; I am so envious of my friends who already have grandchildren, but, I also want my kids to have a better life than I have. My daughter is in a good career, and is on an upward path and I’m so pleased for her…. But I guess I’ll just have to wait…..I just don’t want to be too old to help out when she and my son in law DO decide to have children ( which they have said they want at some point)!

In the 70s it was unlikely that a woman who was a grandmother went out to work, so she would be available to 'help out'. That's not the case now, since we have all become cogs in the economic machine. Your children are your responsibility. Set up a babysitting circle run on points, look at your work/life balance and see if you need one parent to be part-time or to work shorter weeks. Employ someone to clean your house.

But why? You don't have to look after them unless you want to!