Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

Are you for real? They signed up to raise kids and then give childcare to grandkids until they kick the bucket? I think not.

I didn't say that they had to look after grandchildren! I said that they are not entitled to elder care!

It’s interesting how different peoples experiences vary. My own grandparents never “babysat” us, although we visited them weekly, but always with my parents, and we always went there rather than them visiting us. We never had sleepovers there. My own parents have been very similar in regards to their grandchildren.
whereas, as I said, my friends are genuinely ALL the babysitter/ childcare, at least several times a week, if not every day.

I’ve helped out a lot. I work full time and have never been able to help them financially but I have loved being hands on grandma.
But you do you. You don’t have to be hands on. Just make sure that if things are going that way, make it clear.

My mil has looked after our kids a handful of times in seven years, it's usually the mums mother who gets the childcare side of it and the mil all the fun!

YABU. No wonder so many people apparently feel lonely when they are elderly, if they haven’t fostered close relationships with their adult children and grandchildren because there were other things that were more important to them.

Really sad that your Grandparents never babysat you. Of course looking after their grandchildren many days a week might be a lot to cope with as people get older, but that’s not what the majority of Grandparents do. I don’t think having their grandchildren for a day or 2 each week (and not usually overnights even, when they young) as seems most commonplace for the grandparents I know, is especially unreasonable - in fact I remember reading it actually benefits both grandparents (reduces cognitive decline amongst other health benefits) and their grandchildren.

Plus surely people don’t have children in the first place if you don’t want to help them out even when they are adults too (assuming you are physically/mentally/financially capable). How would you “have your time now” if one of your adult kids had disabilities and needed care? Imo most people don’t stop helping their “kids” just because they have reached 18/21 - it’s part of deciding to have a family in the first place for the majority of people 🤷‍♀️, including the possibility that your children might want children of their own which they’d appreciate help with.

Of course, I’m assuming that you had a choice to have a family yourself - if it wasn’t your choice to have children or you are in a country where termination wasn’t possible then obviously YANBU to not want to look after grandchildren at all as well!

That’s up to them. It’s very excessive. None of my friends with children have their parents babysit several times a week/every day. You don’t need to do that.

You can set boundaries! My mum was clear she wasn't going to commit to childcare and thats fine - she's done her time!

She has helped on an odd occasion in an emergency, if she's been available to do so, but she has her life, hobbies and plans and I don't expect her to drop those to be Granny.

She & dad have a lovely relationship with my kids. They visit when it suits us both. I plan visits to her and dad that work for us all. Taking the commitment and childcare vibe out of it its much nicer for everyone.

I would say though that i think there used to be a time when women worked less and grandchildren were shepherded over to visit grandparents each sunday. When people are all working this is hard to manage, I've been very grateful that my parents are willing to travel to me as much and more as I can manage to get to them, they know i am time poor.

You do get some choice in the matter to decide what kind of grandparent you are going to be if your children actually decide to have children.

My parents had help from family members but often I spent most of my time at my grandparents’ watching tv and movies or outside riding my tricycle up and down the street in front of their home. I was taking myself to and from school at 8 so by then the only time they were asked for help is when I was ill which was rare. They were nowhere near as hands-on as some of the grandparents I read about on here, but I loved them all the same and knew no different.

My sister and I both live far away from my parents with an ocean separating me from them. They very much looked forward to grandchildren (too much imo and to the effect that I would never willingly want to live close to them). They video chat with my children and we see them once a year or once every few years. They visit my sister who lives 12 hours away from them and see her maybe every six weeks for a 4 days or so but she also lives near other family members with children.

My in-laws are the hands-on and complaining about it grandparents you speak of for their daughter (they complain to DH every time they visit us twice a year) and it definitely is off-putting to listen to them knowing the two are quite vocal when they don’t want to do something or have an opinion , but somehow can’t tell their daughter and son-in-law that it’s been too much for them. Their choice, their consequences. It’s closing in on 15 years of help.

I would have never desired 3-4 days a week of help and leave DH to ask them when he wants because I rather not if they’re going to go complain about it to someone else even if it is a once a year ask from DH of 90 minutes.

I am with you about not caring about becoming a grandparent. My children deciding whether or not to have children is not my decision and I’m not going to push them either way. If they ask about my experience, I’ll be honest but other than that, it is down to them and I will make a decision when that happens how involved I will be and let them know from the beginning.

I haven't been abroad for eight years. Three days for my 40th wedding anniversary. Never been on a cruise. Need two walking sticks some days because of my disability. I'm a decade older than your grandparents were. I'm glad they were able to help. But not every grandparent can.

I look after my grandchildren a couple of times a week. Still leaves me lots of time to do my own thing, and I really value the close bond I have with them.

You are not being unreasonable, however your children will likely hate you for it.

My parents are very keen not to help, whereas my partners Mum is absolutely amazing. She actively wants to see them and messages to say what an amazing day she’s had with them etc. It’s so nice to see that they actually bring her joy.
My Mum on the other hand will very rarely have my children & when she does, she rings me after half hour saying they want to come home.

Nearly all of my friends have a similar story. One set of Grandparents are useless, and one set fantastic. They all really resent the ones that don’t want to help.

But you’re not unreasonable for not wanting to look after any potential future Grandchildren, but it will likely come at a cost to your relationship with your children.

Of course grandparents can be as little involved as they please, but I think there are geographical variations in how much help grandparents are expected to provide. I've noticed that in London and the south-east very few people seem to have day-to-day family support with their children, and kids are all in nursery or with the nanny/childminder. Whereas in the north and south-west, grandparents doing regular childcare seems much more common. My cousin's kids were all looked after by "Nanna" 2/3 days a week and she did after-school pick-up and dinner when they went to school.

Why are grandparents useless if they don’t want to be involved and/or have said so?

They can show interest without providing childcare.

Not alone OP. My parents and in laws both are similar in not wanting to help. Sometimes my mum and DC will play together for an hour but I am on hand in the background. My MIL can manage five minutes to talk to DC before she looks past DC and starts gossiping about people we don’t
know, and DC runs back to me. DH and I are full time and have no other help except for paid childcare. Even in the newborn days, no help at all (I would have loved my mum to come over and make me a tea and ask how I am doing).

My MIL had a lot of help from her mum and her MIL. My parents not so much however we were carted to a relative’s place on occasion for 1-2 weeks so my parents got a break sometimes.

I think hands-on grandparents are amazing and in my wildest fantasies I would have one that could look after DC for half a day once or twice a month.

They're not "useless", it's just a shame you can't trade them in for other grandparents 😂.

Given that increasingly there are a lot of older people who won't get to be grandparents and who would have wanted this, there's definitely a case to be made for setting up some kind of 'volunteer' organisation for would-be grandparents. Children don't have a right to involved grandparents, no, but they gain so much from them. It ought to be possible to swap uninterested grandparents for "grandparents" who want to be involved.

Wow. I'm obviously in the minority here but I would be really upset if I'd told my parents I was having a child and their reaction was like yours. I have 3 children and my mum and dad are always asking me to bring them round because we are a really close family. They also offered to have my son 2 mornings a week so I didn't have to lose all my wages on childcare so I wasn't working to just pay nursery. No pressure from me at all, they really enjoy having him and they prioritise helping me as I'm still their child. I'd do exactly the same for all my kids. I'm not saying you have to provide care 5 days a week but you sound really negative and to be honest bitter? You can go on a cruise etc and not be a part of your grandkids life but don't expect any help or attention or involvement in xmas or birthdays later on when you decide you're now interested.

Exactly. What a daft comment from @TwiceForLunch 🙄 I don't give a shiny shite what people think of me having the audacity to put myself before other people, for the first time in nearly 30 years (and not be full time childminder and babysitter for any grandchildren!) 😱'Main Character Syndome' indeed. As you say, we are entitled to be the main character in our own lives FGS.

Yes you can absolutely be the main character in your own life. Just don't expect to be the main character in their lives later on down the line !!

I'm not the main character of anything. Life is about relationships and connections. Your nothing without these things. No wonder the worlds fucked. I've 2 teens and I've got so much time...if they have kids I will have had 20 years of my time. How much do you need you old cabbages.

You get to choose what kind of grandparent you want to be.

my mums mum was really involved, she watched us while my mum worked, she had us after school, I can remember her being really grumpy and shouty

my dads mum was the fun gran, she took us shopping, got my ears pierced(without consulting my mum) was always slipping us money (like a drug dealer, undercover so my mum didn’t know) she camped in the garden with us and played tennis and bowls in the garden, we had picnics in the garden and she took us on holidays. She swore like a trooper too.

my own mum is like my dads mum, she is the fun gran who goes to dance shows, takes them on days out, meets them for lunch whereas my mil only ever saw our children at her home, she’d rarely see them outside , visiting was a bit of a chore, we visited and they watched tv.

Yeah this does my head in too. The daft memes people put up about their grandkids make me like...🙄And some of them post things that suggest they have 'never known love like it,' and it seems they like/love their grandchildren more than they love/loved their own children, which I find a bit weird.

One woman I know posts between 10 and 15 posts a week about her 3 grandchildren. They're called Nora, Luke, and Lily. She calls them, 'Little Applecrumble Nora' and Lukeyboy-BooBoo, and LilyLooLooLicks. It makes me want to tear my eyes out with a screwdriver every time I see these stupid twatty names. She is utterly obsessed with these 3 grandchildren (all 3 to 5 y.o.) and sees them 3-4 times a week. (I unfollowed her recently!)

Her 2 DC (in their early 30s) live within 5-10 minutes walk from her, and they are afraid to move away as she kicks off every time they mention moving, even 2-3 miles away, and I don't think they even dare NOT visit 3-4 times a week.

Perfectly OK to love your grandchildren, and want to see them sometimes, but some people seem obsessed and it's a bit weird. Makes me wonder why. One woman at my brother's workplace had an argument with the manager who wanted her to change her hours slightly. She said 'I can't and I won't. I have my grandson on that day!' Sorry luv, you can't have special treatment because you are your grandson's childminder! 🙄

Whats it to you if she dotes on her grandchildren.

Well as MN constantly tells us women choose to have children and put up with all the shit that comes along with it, this also includes potentially having grandchildren and potentially not being looked after by your children in your old age.

Or do these arguments about women choosing to have DC and therefore cannot complain about any downsides only apply to people with young DC?