Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

My grandparents took me on fulltime when I was nine and they were approaching sixty. I am incredibly incredibly grateful to them and owe them everything, as indirectly do my own children. I guess to me that feels worth more than going on three Saga cruises a year or whatever! Contemporary British older people have the weirdest priorities.

Would you mind if your DC said they were too busy and would rather be going on lots of holidays so didn’t want to help care for you if you were to have an accident now, or when you are elderly?

It’s such a weird thing to worry about in my opinion - as you can be as involved or not involved as you like.

I would say chat to your kids so they know that they can’t count on you for childcare. The only danger of being so ‘cut and dry’ about it is that you may even change your mind.

Why worry about it now - just put it out of your head until you actually get told you’re going to be a grandparent and then see how you feel!

I don't have a bee in my bonnet😂I'm neither a grandmother or using my parents for childcare so no skin in either game. I do recognise entitlement when I see it so stop being dramatic with your "massive bee in your bonnet".

Your own children haven’t even left home yet so you are massively jumping the gun.

Saying you “haven’t even found yourself outside of being a wife and a mother”…well yeah. Your kids are still at home.

I left home at 20 & had my DC at 37 so my Mum had 17 years to “find herself and be selfish” by then. She also doesn’t absolute not childcare and has never helped out financially. She sees her grandchild once a month for a couple of hours at my house while I’m there.

You're going through the thread arguing with people for no reason. So you obviously do have a bee in your bonnet. That's not the behavior of someone with "no skin in the game"... but whatever.

Absolutely not alone. My DC already know that I will be there for the odd night of babysitting and fun days out but I have done all the sacrificing required to be a parent already and have no intention of doing it again. If they choose to become parents then that is their responsibility.

And also a lot of families didn’t need women working and survived comfortably on a single salary back then. I understand your situation. Today is a different story. Thanks for describing it. Yours looks like the forecast for my life, tbh. It ain’t easy.

This is something I don't understand on here. "Do childcare or you're on your own when you're elderly". Is this actually a thing? My mother had already died before I had my kids but when my much older siblings had their young children my mother didn't do much childcare at all but every single sibling and (older) grandchild rallied round and helped her when she was sick. She still managed to be really close to her grandchildren by very occasional babysitting, visiting etc. Much the same as us and our grandparents.

ETA I knew your username was familiar. You were on a thread the other day and you were told off by users for making up your own scenarios on the thread. You're doing the same here.

More dramatics. You sound very immature. A different opinion is not 'arguing'.

You seem very invested in my opinions. I'm going to take a guess that you rely heavily on your parents help and this thread and people's opposing opinions are upsetting you.

Do your adult kids live close by? If not it’s unlikely you’ll be called on for childcare etc. But also…you can’t really know how you’ll feel until if/when it happens so try and keep an open mind. Some of my happiest memories are with my grandparents and great aunts / uncles. They were so special to me and I learnt a lot from them. And that wasn’t because they were shouldering the bulk of childcare, but rather because they had so many interesting stories to tell me and interesting things to teach me. I wish I could have had longer with all of them.

Then don't... but you can still enjoy grandchildren.
I think a lot of this generation are bloody selfish. Have had everything handed to them on a plate and now it's their turn they expect to not have to balance the challenges.
That's not all... but the amount that expect to be out every weekend. Weekends away. Sole Holidays ect I think there's some massive pisstakers. Including some of my mates.
My advice would be to make it crystal clear now tho that you won't be doing any of that. That ways there's no false expectation

My parents moved away when they retired and it coincided with my being pregnant with first child. I never had any help with childcare (but often wished I did). We at least had grandparents to visit by the seaside a couple of times a year. I think things are much harder now with the costs of sky-high mortgages and childcare and grandparents are leant on a lot more than they were in previous decades. I think it is exhausting for a lot of them and while they may love their grandchildren they don't necessarily love full days of childcare but feel obligated to do it. This is what I have gleaned from conversations. I don't have any GC of my own yet.

All of this. Women who have already raised their own children shouldn't be expected to help raise the children others chose to have.

It's fair enough to say, "enough now."

My children have 6 grandparents and my eldest is 10. None of them have ever done any childcare. Some can’t do it due to health and others choose not to. It’s fine to make that decision to not want to.

Occasionally I do get a bit jealous of folk who can go away for weekends, not have the impending doom of balancing work and the summer holidays etc but then I realise I’d have to interact more with my family if they did childcare and realise I have the better deal.

I can’t see myself providing regular childcare for any future grandchildren either, OP. Firstly, I don’t want to and secondly I’m very unlikely to be able to cut back on work anyway.

My DM died when I was a child. My dad and his partner very generously do help out (for hospital appointments and occasional babysitting)which I’m extremely grateful for.

Of course I would still help them when they’re elderly even if they hadn’t helped out but I don’t blame people that do not if their parents show no interest in the grandchildren.

My DGM said she didn’t help her mum in her elderly years as she never helped her with any form of childcare or babysitting. I don’t blame her one bit.

I hear you op. I’m wrung out as it is. After uni mine have migrated back home and I’m exhausted with a full house again. That and a difficult elderly parent nearby.

I don’t think there are immediate plans for children with two of mine..however my older dd mentions it sometimes. But her relationship is rocky and it concerns me to hear her say those things. Obviously I’d help, but more so I long very much for some peace, a gap in life at least, to call my own.

My own parents were not a great help with either me as a child or the grandchildren. I could never be the way they were either though..

I hate that old crap, well if you don't do childcare don't expect me to look after you in your old age. Your parents brought YOU up, looked after YOU, do you expect them to do it twice and look after your kids aswell before you would give them a hand out when they are old?

Re not helping with elder care if GPs didn’t help out - I don’t think this attitude is based on “tit for tat” exactly.

It’s more that grandparents who set the example of “I’m going to please myself now and refuse any obligations I won’t enjoy” can’t be surprised if their DC absorb that attitude and do the same.

Of course it's fair to say enough now. But then it's not fair to expect your adult children to devote their retirement years to elder care.

Exactly! That's it in a nutshell.

Obligations? For childcare? No grandparent should be expected to provide childcare. Please myself? Emmm I have raised my kids and now it is time for me to live a little especially as now I am older. People just expect grandparents to mind children till they die.

That's what they signed up for by having kids. They aren't entitled to help in their old age for doing the bare minimum expected of them.

My ILs have had very little to do with our children. They haven’t seen them for the last 6 years (children were 15 and 17 at the time). ILs don’t know anything about them and don’t ask after them either. As soon as they reached 18, they stopped sending them birthday cards.

Our kids don't care as they never much enjoyed the expectation that they should be seen but not heard.

You could always be like them.