Not wanting grandchildren

[Reallyneedsaholiday]

I suppose I should start by saying that none of my children have any children of their own, or are likely to do so in the near future. Nor would I ever tell them how I feel. But …. I’m just not looking forward to being a grandparent.
I’ve raised my children, and if I’m honest, I’m looking forward to having a life for myself, when they move out. I see my friends, with grandchildren and they seem more tied than they were when they had their own children. Babysitting, giving their kids a “break”, struggling financially themselves to help them out, cutting back on work hours to mind their grandchildren so their parents can work, or returning to work part time because they can’t make ends meet otherwise, etc. It just feels as if they are more in demand than ever, and frankly, I want to be “selfish” for a bit. I’ve spent my entire life looking after other people, and I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t DO it, just that I’m not looking forward to it. Am I alone?

Just say no!!

Make it clear from the outset that you won't provide childcare for them. I think some children's expectations of their parents is unreasonable.

Enjoy your later year and don't tie yourself into more kids.

There is no obligation for grandparents to help more than they are able to. So I voted YABU.

Shame on your daughter. Are you afraid of her reaction if you cut back?

I get you Hun - I was 49 when GC no1 was expected. But my choice to get married in early 20's & have a child 2 years later.

My first thought was 'I'm too freaking young to be a granny!!' 😱I said to my DS that I'd told him not to make me a granny until I was at least 60. He answered that by then he would be 44, said he would be too old for children (yeah right mate - the follies of youth who think they're going to be beyond sex after 40😂)
What could I say? Once I held that child in my arms I fell in love - as I have with everyone of my GC.

Now I'm looking 62 in the face & being teased that, give it 10 -15 years I could be a Great Granny. Now THAT is scary!!!😱

I haven't voted.

My Mum doesn't do any childcare whatsoever, and I never would have put that on her. Her sister, looks after 3 of her grandchildren (3 under 5), full-time. I never get to spend any child-free time with my auntie because of it, and I actually feel resentful towards my piss-taking cousin for putting that on her parents who are in their mid-70's. I think she's a selfish prick for having 3 children, and in quick succession, then dumping every single one on her parents from 6 months old to raise (despite her being eligible for full-pay for 12 months maternity). Even when they are school age, Granny will be doing all the school drop offs and pick ups.

You can be as involved or uninvolved as you wish. It's your choice. Set whatever boundaries you wish.

How old are you OP, and how old are your kids?

Mine are still school age so the idea of having grandkids too far off though I assume I would want them.

I was 35 and 37 when my kids were born and have a lot of friends who became pregnant in their 40s and say they are so worn out (50s / teens) they just want time to themselves, which sounds very understandable especially with caring duties to ageing parents as well.

You just need to make it clear to them in advance, what you are prepared to do/not do. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't want to sacrifice your life to more kids. Not everyone is able to do it, nor wants to do it.

My mum didn't look after DD overnight until DD was old enough to walk upstairs on her own as my mum couldn't carry her upstairs.

My mum was still working, so made it clear that she couldn't look after DD when I went back to work. When the nature of the family business changed, she was able to have DD a bit in the school holidays, which was great as XH had left when DD was 4.

I was grateful for whatever she could do and did not expect anything from her.

DD is now 17, but if she were to have a child in the next few years, I would not be able to look after it, as I have to work full time until retirement , thanks to getting divorced and having to re-mortgage at the age of 41.

You don't want to do any of the hard boring work, you also don't get to be fun grandma

This has got to be the most entitled statement I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Bloody hell😲Imagine being so brazen as to expect someone else to raise YOUR child. Yeah yeah you meant 'support' or 'helping out'.

Same for me. They are all teenagers now, and DH and I have a great relationship with them.

Our parents did not provide childcare, but were loving grandparents who very much had their own lives to live. I think that set the expectation for our children, and we were never expected to alter our lives to look after grandchildren.

Darling you are not obliged to care for your GC - they are your children's responsibility not yours.

I am with you! But not just because I don’t want to babysit. I do hope my DD doesn’t get tied down with kids too young.

Some grandparents are involved, have them for sleepovers regularly etc and some grandparents are less involved

Stop pretending that sleepovers only benefit the children and grandparents.

they are very involved in my young DC lives

Guarenteed this means childcare.

I’ve voted that you’re being unreasonable because you have a choice. I know grand parents who do a lot. I know grad parents who barely send a birthday card, and all levels of involvement in between.

But when you say the grandparents are more in demand than ever, I don’t agree. I think grand parents are much more selfish with their time these days. My friends, siblings and I get minimal help.

I remember grandparents, in my own family and in others helping out a lot more in the 70 and 80s

You can't "guarantee" that at all. You've just got a massive bee in your bonnet.

There's usually 1 set of Grandparents that don't bother with their Grandchildren so you can take on that role....I've never once expected my Mum to look after my children, but she does out of her own choice and their relationship is amazing, as was mine with my Mum's mum, but my Dad's parents didn't bother, just like my Husbands don't, which is why I don't refer to them as Grandparents as they don't deserve the title

I think this is a good point. I only had one living grandparent growing up and she couldn’t have been less interested if she tried. That’s fine, her choice she didn’t like kids apparently. The thing is kids grow into adults and she really did want to know us all when we got older and were suddenly good enough for her attention but it doesn’t work like that, children are actual real people with memories and are not likely to be bothered as adults about people who didn’t want to know them as children. When she died I was in my mid 20’s and I remember none of my siblings or cousins being in the least bit bothered.

But then again that won’t bother some people at all and that’s fine too.

OP, do you expect that your children will care for you when you become old/infirm or do you have plans in place for that?

Is your cousin holding a gun to her head?

The most entitled thing I have probably ever heard on here is someone complaining that they don’t get child free time with their Aunt because she is busy looking after her grandchildren.

I wouldn’t give a single fuck if my niece were to complain they couldn’t see me because I would care far more about my own children and grandchildren.

Well like everyone else is saying, set your boundaries. My parents absolutely adore my children and we see them all the time, but they don’t babysit apart from the odd time, wedding etc. and they have never have them overnight 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yep. If you want to focus on yourself & living your life, you absolutely can't complain when your children and any future grandchildren do likewise.

Well if you don’t want to help with childcare, that’s fine. Just tell them before they have kids so they don’t (wrongly) expect it.
However don’t be surprised if they don’t want to help you when you’re elderly. It works both ways.

But this shouldn't be dependent on whether or not you cared for your children's children. You brought up your OWN children, how many generations are women (and yes, it's pretty much always women, men seem to get 'care' when they barely lifted a finger for any child, let alone grandchildren) expected to look after before they 'deserve' to be cared for?

Also, not every old person will need, or want, to be cared for by family.

🤣🤣🤣
Quite the opposite. My mum was desperate to be a grandma.

@itsagreayarea I don't think grandparents are becoming more selfish but my dm retired when she was 60 - I'm 60 in a couple of months but have to work until I'm 67. I also help dm with her cleaning and gardening. I try and help my dds with my gc if I can but its difficult. I also still have a dd at school.

I'm sure she doesn't expect them to and won't complain. Why would she?