Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

It is a tough situation and one I have been in several times (excellent feedback but never got the promotion). I stayed at the same employer and am almost at retirement age now but if I could advise my younger self and indeed you I would suggest you look elsewhere (while continuing to do a great job - you sound like you would anyway). Think about what you want from a job - for me I stayed for the great pension and also flexibility but I definitely could have gone higher if I had made the leap. Go for it and good luck. On a positive note I am about to reap the reward of the pension so at least that bit worked out! X

Tbh I would take this as a learning experience to never get that emotionally invested in a job. No matter how nice the role:your bosses are on a day to day basis, if push came to shove money will always come first, they would get rid of you at the drop of a hat.

I can understand you being disappointed? But it sounds like this goes much deeper - maybe time to assess why that’s so and consider if you’re over invested with you job

This happened to me recently. Pushed by senior management to apply for the promotion and they made it sound like it was a slam dunk. I didn’t get it. Came a close second. I also was devastated. In my anger I applied for another job elsewhere which was actually a step up, extra money and better perks. Didn’t think I had a chance. I start in 3 weeks 😁

It’s bitter sweet as I love my team but the lack of support in me and my development really made me think about where I wanted to be. My new job has massive progression opportunities too.

My advice, take the feedback and start looking elsewhere.

It’s a competitive process. Internal candidates have advantages and disadvantages (you can’t gild the lily).

Get the feedback it sounds like it’s coming from a good place. But that’s up to you.

Years ago this happened to me, but the reverse, I was taking a step back, so had all the experience they wanted (and possibly more). The person who was disappointed made my life difficult for a time, refused to help me. In the end it was fine. They went on to get a promotion. We’re still friends.

I would arrange to do the feedback session when you've had a few days to get used to not geting the promotion. You'll get more out of it then.
I'd use that info and feedback to help you get a better job externally. Being overlooked at work isn't nice but you channel your energy into geting something better elsewhere.

Maybe because you are doing such a good job, he is worried about having to backfill your current role.

I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

They will very likely want to keep you where you are for this reason, you already go above and beyond, without the seniority and paycheck that demands it.

I was always like you (still am, but now work for myself) and employers WILL take advantage of this, it can potentially lead to advancement, and one of the things it can do if you progress in your knowledge base in all areas and experience is that it makes you indispensable, it's not a bad position to be in, but it may also mean that you never progress because they know your loyalty lies with them.

I'd ask him for the feedback in an email if he would if you really don't want a face to face, it may be useful for the future, but try not to be too disheartened, there may be some skills/advantages that the outside candidates will bring that are absolutely no reflection on you and the job you do.

Why are you doing unpaid overtime? It is illegal to work for free for a company like it's illegal to be paid less than minimum wage

I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

Honestly, stop doing this. It's bad for your work-life balance. And companies end up expecting it. It's completely a lose-lose situation for you.

There are some really twatty comments all over MN today. Like this one.

It’s very hard not to take feedback personally

one thing I read decades ago now, which helped me, was that you don’t have to take responsisiblty for the feedback and opinions behind it (not unless there’s a stash of data showing you’ve significant performance issues) , but you do need to take accountability for fixing it.

in other words you don’t have to agreee with what’s said. But focus instead on the so-what’s that need to happen to change that persons (one giving feedback) perceptions.

it also helps massively when you realise that people giving feedback can be asked to support and provide help in fixing that issue. Frankly if they refuse they look like complete wassocks in saying you need to do this, and then refusing to help fix it- and worse if they’re your actual manager

go in with a view you’ll probably apply for something else, but maybe it might help with self awareness that some wretched people view a particualrly aspect of your performance/ behaviour in a certain way

also pin them down to specific examples - what was situation, what was your role they expected of you, what did they perceive you did/did not do, and what was result to business. If they can’t do that you can merely shrug it off with a “they’re a wassock making personal criticism “

for instance I had a bullying boss..one of comments he made was about “people don’t like tone of your voice”…so I ask which people (he was evasive and therefore had no clear evidence), I asked what is was about tone of voice - and pushed and pushed him to be specific saying I needed to know to fix it, until he eventually said it was high pitched or sometimes nasally …so I said I’d write down in my performance document that I needed a voice coach (aka Margaret thatcher) and that I expected him to ensure HR would get funding for it….well off course he backtracked…he was just bullying and making personal attacks. But I did write it down, and refused to take it out and it went on to provide evidence for his bullying. along with numerous other examples of his personal critiques of my character.

you never know, Boss may come up with some sincere and insightful comments that you haven’t realised, and whatever you decide to do that’ll be useful learning for future.

I realise you’re devastated…but I think with changing outlook to taking accountability to change his perception whilst not having to taking it responsisiblty for his opinion, might help you go into meeting with curiousity and some degreee of emotional resilience needed.

I think not attending is not a good idea. If you can’t move jobs immediately they’ll see it as no longer interested in development. You are, you’ve just had a lock in teeth.

Go for the feedback, even though it’s likely to be quite hard to take, you might hear some uncomfortable truths. Possibly the step up in experience was bigger than it might have appeared. Early in your career especially, it can be easy to underestimate how much extra you’re taking on and how different the expectations and responsibilities are. I’d say as a positive sign if your manager is encouraging you to have the feedback conversation that’s generally a good thing. Suggests that they’re looking to help you possibly and that they want to invest a bit of time and effort in you. I know from my experience that getting feedback after an unsuccessful interview is often something you have to push for and even if you do get it, you often just hear a bunch of empty platitudes that don’t really tell you anything. And don’t just rush for another job.

It’s not illegal ! It depends on your specific contract.

l always had contracts based on doing a role as a professional, we didn’t get paid overtime at our scale, but if you were in that level of organisation it goes in territory to work what’s needed to get job done

it is illegal to work over European directive though, although since Brexit I’m not sure if that still applies

in my 40 year career I only ever got paid overtime once. Both for major projects where over a short number of weeks I was literally working 6 and 7 days per week and over EU directive. I pushed to get my team paid overtime, and then said since they were paying them OT they needed to pay me too! I had to travel a lot oversees, in the ladt year I worked I spent just 109 nights in my own bed at home including my weekends and holidays. It wasn’t illegal but it did burn me out and result in my very early retirement!

I don’t disagree that in principle people should be paid their hourly rates for exactly hours worked, but it has never been case in some roles. that’s a ideal that’s never ever been the case in this country. Many roles even in public sector like nurses also work extra for free where there’s an emergency. Care workers don’t get paid for travel time between clients even though sane people would agree that’s part of job (have they won the case that they must be paid yet?)

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. You have a boss who is encouraging, supportive and who wants to help you progress. Turning down feedback because of your ego isn’t going to aid any career progression, whether that’s with this company or another. You’ve gained an opportunity to develop your resilience, which is much needed in a manager position.

A little anger for the OP might rev her engines to look for another post which is exactly what she needs to do to regain her self worth and belief in herself

This may be valid, @TrainGame, but remembering we can't always have what we want it's possible the same thing could happen elsewhere if OP focuses just on the anger rather than accepting feedback

It's never pleasant to hear we've missed the mark, but accepting it and moving on can be an important skill to develop

Get the feedback. You never know, it might be very useful for your next job.

PS. You ARE young still!

I understand and am sorry you've had experiences that have led you to that, but longer-term/overall it's surely better to focus on yourself and own your agency, not have to raise yourself up by denigrating others. Self-worth and belief isn't so strong or genuine if it's only built on the idea that others are flawed. That tends to lead to people going from the OP's extreme of seeing themselves as failures to the other extreme of blaming someone else and not acknowledging our own issues to work on. The reality is usually in the middle and takes more nuance. Like I say, part of working at senior level needs an ability to see the bigger picture and not take things so personally, either in upset or in anger.

It's very hard when you don't get a job that you think is a shoe in. And being interviewed by people you know is also very hard
But I don't think you should just give up.
Interviewers have to be fair to everyone and it could be that although you could easily do the job and interviewed well the external candidates interviewed better and were bringing some different experience to the role. Perhaps they were already working at that level somewhere else? It might not be about you at all but about them .
You won't know unless you attend the meeting with your manager. You say you enjoy the job, don't just leave now because of this. Talk to your manager ask them what more you can do to secure promotion in the near future .

Our company you often got spiked by HR who would zoom up from London with a different check list. In-house applications would be shoehorned out to fill some quota only known to them.

Ugh, this happened to me once OP. Reframe the feedback in your head, look at it as a way to get knowledge to help you find a better job elsewhere, rather than an embarrassing list of your failings. And then get a job somewhere else.

Take the feedback and start looking elsewhere. Also, don't be too hard on yourself - your company knows you inside out (good bits but also bad), but they're only seeing the good bits of the external candidates as they barely know them. It's a lot to compete with. Often, the new hire turns out to be a lot less shiny & competent than the version of themself they presented at interview...

I know exactly how you're feeling op! This is what happened to me few months ago.

I love the company I work for and they are supportive in developing people, but as it stands at the moment there is nowhere to move within our particular team. Opportunities to move up are rare.

I've been there 10 years and in the same role for around 7 years and have glowing reviews in my appraisals every year and it is always mentioned how I am the most experienced in the team. But when it came down to it they went with someone who has been there half my time and who I initially trained! They said that everyone who went for it would have done a good job and they brought the decision down to who scored more points on the day of the interview and this person scored slightly higher than me. So they chose that over the fact I have been next to the manager building the team (from a very small team to a large) and our processes for nearly the last decade.

It totally broke me at the time and even now I am still so angry about it and am completely unmotivated within my job now.

I knew if I didn't get that promotion that it would be the final nail in the coffin for me because I just can't stay stagnant in the same role any longer. I am currently still in my team but reached out to another department who I have previously considered moving into as it had more progression options, as they need help at the moment. They are training me in multiple aspects of their department with the view that I might be able to slot in somewhere eventually. I don't know where it will take me yet but it has breathed new life into me at work, just doing something different and that im working towards a change (which will offer a lot more options).

I understand how you feel about not wanting a meeting with your manager, I am still dreading my impending 1on1 with mine despite that they already know their chance to keep me has long past, and they knew how much I needed to do something different and how much their decision has impacted me (I am close with my manager which helped me be very honest about my feelings on the matter). They are supporting me in my choice for an eventual move to the other department, as they know im just done. But I just don't want another discussion on my performance when quite frankly my years of hard work went unrecognised when it mattered the most.

As much as you don't want to (especially while the disappointment is fresh) do have a discussion with your manager. It might make your path clearer. I had 2 previous let downs before this one, this was just the last time I was willing to accept it.

I am very fortunate I do work in a company that supports career progression, but this doesn't change my feelings on being passed over for this particular promotion. I have managed to get over other let downs in the past fairly quickly, but I can't shake this one no matter how hard I try. I've just taken it as a sign that I need to take a different path.

I am a big believer in everything happens for a reason, and in the thick of it that is really hard to see. But I truly think I am now on the path I should be on.

Sorry that was really long 😳 but this is still very fresh in my mind!

The OP has had some unpleasant responses.

I will say that leaving it several weeks between the interview and telling her she hadn’t got it was poor. It may be that the company is weirdly bureaucratic or that the senior leadership team needed to give their approval - but really? If you interview an external candidate and leave it several weeks before getting back to them, you risk them moving on and taking a different role. Chances are that they had made the offers a while ago and waited until they were accepted.

So the manager’s offer of feedback - realistically, you need to take it. If he genuinely wants to help then it will be valuable. If he made the offer because - Oh shit, he still hasn’t got back to OP and she’ll be furious - it would be politically wise to be seen to be cooperative.

A few people have said he seems like a bad manager. I don’t know whether this is the case. I do know that many people are good at a specific (rather niche) thing then are expected to manage others.

Re the effort you’ve put in - it’s time for The Rules. Turn up on time, be friendly and busy, get through your work, leave on time, dress as though you have nice plans after work. Make it clear that you have a life outside work.

Thank you again, this really is invaluable advice. I’m still reading through the responses, so apologies if I’ve missed anything, but can I ask you all what specific questions you would ask your manager in a feedback meeting if you were me?

I would really like to do this. My only worry is that I don’t want to inconvenience my already busy boss. What do you think?