Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

An opportunity will come, maybe this wasn't the one for you. I know it's disheartening.

I once had two interviews on the same day for identical roles in two different organisations- one offered me the job, the other told me they didn't feel I was ready for the step up to management (which both roles involved!!)

I'd be very surprised. Far more risky to take a chance on an unknown external than to put a known trusted insider in a senior post. The likelihood given her mananagers encouragement and urging her to get feedback is that OP didn't sell herself as well as other candidates at the interview. Internal candidates often fall down on that, assuming their track record speaks for them. If the panel were recruiting based on a scoring system taking account only what was said on the day, that's not enough.

Thanks. My boss has scheduled 10 minutes on Tuesday to chat it through. I appreciate he’s busy but can anything meaningful be said in such a short time? The great advice on this thread helped me think positive but this has now left me feeling like it’s just a box-ticking exercise after all.

I do this feedback regularly. Usually takes half an hour - sometimes longer depending on what the person wants to discuss.

he will tell you either your experience just wasn’t as good as the successful candidate or you fluffed the interview.

i recently talked this through with an excellent member of my team who got pipped at the post. We talked through where I felt she could have given stronger evidence in the interview and what I think her next step should be. She reflected on her career path and her aspirations. We agreed some steps we could take to get her more varied experience. Probably ran over the 30 mins. But a good discussion with a professional, driven and self aware staff member.

Thanks @Bellyblueboy. It’s really helpful to know what to expect. But you say your discussion was half an hour plus, so I can’t help feeling deflated that my manager has only scheduled 10 minutes. Are they trying to brush me off?

Yes, that is incredibly poor. Very sorry they are treating you like this.

Yes very poor. I wouldn't expect anything detailed in 10 mins you'll probably get told something very generic along the lines that you did a good interview but the other candidates did better.

Thanks. I was expecting 30 minutes TBH. Anything less seems a bit pointless?

Sorry, I just checked the office schedule again and it’s in fact 15 minutes. Still, I think the point stands 😔

I can see why this hurts so much as I’ve been in the same boat on a few occasions. You go to the interview with a heightened expectation because you’ve got the necessary knowledge and experience. I would be too angry to be receptive to feedback and it’s a bit like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

I have never found feedback to be useful anyway. Each interview is different; never the same questions and interviewers for the next time. I am settled in a cushy job now but I do not get jobs easily at all.

Don’t worry. It will likely just run over.

Perhaps they are trying to just keep it quick, tbh I'm sure it can be done in 15 minutes, they'll give examples of what areas you were weak in or what areas the candidates were strong in. The fact they encouraged you to apply is really promising and they probably just didn't realise that there would be so many strong candidates. If it was a panel it wouldn't have been just their all. Kindly, I know you're disappointed but the better candidate got the role and you are overthinking it a bit. Also some of your questions are quite basic which makes me think that's probably why you didn't get it, it sounds like you need a bit more experience in general.

Not surprising with that attitude. You can have the skills and experience and someone else can be better. Also often "fresh blood" is better as they bring new ideas, different experiences etc

Also often "fresh blood" is better as they bring new ideas, different experiences etc

I understand that, but in no way am I a jaded employee just going through the motions. I come in every day and give it my absolute all, thinking outside the box and never phoning it in.

😂 Never mind eh? As it turns out, it was a blessing in disguise missing out on those other jobs even though it hurt at the time. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

That's great. All I'm saying is I understand you're feeling down about it, but don't as they obviously value you that they thought you were a potential candidate

All feedback is good feedback! 🙃🫠

He’s your manager. This is not inconveniencing him, this is asking him to do a critical part of his job. He can put 20 mins into an email to you or he can put 10-20 hours into hiring someone to replace you, don’t feel in the slightest bad!!

that said, he might well be supportive of your career. Go to the meeting with an open mind. I’ve applied for a volunteer job and learnt the person who got it was soooo much senior to me, we don’t even compare. I was like ‘oh shit I really misjudged that. I hope they didn’t laugh at my cv.’
and, more recently, we had a position open in our team with the idea of it being that an existing junior applies and gets the promotion. But we have to advertise internally and externally and someone quite experienced internally contacted me about it. I was stressed, as we are required to interview fairly and it would be possible this other person got it instead and we wouldn’t promote my colleague. We have to ask similar questions and rate the answers, there is an interview assessment process. My point is it’s complicated, there are rules, and we often don’t get to just choose re applicants for hiring and promotions, which doesn’t mean we don’t mean well for our own team. See how you go.

OP, I recently had to do something similar with a team member. I encouraged him to apply as I wanted him to progress but then at interview, he sadly showed how little experience he had. I was gutted as I was really rooting for him. Although he didn’t get the job, I’ve since said I’ll spend some time mentoring him (if he wants that).

very hurtful to be in this situation. But if you like the company, it might be worth staying and progressing until another job comes up?

this happened to me a month ago was acting in a higher role for six months went to interview for the permanent role but did not get. It took me three weeks to get feedback from my manager as I was not in a space to hear it Feedback from my manager was the successful candidate just had more management experience. My written and verbal interview were strong and I didn’t stuff up the interview . I am glad I got the feedback and it has made me realise I can’t go back to my lower position as I have outgrown it. I now have a polished CV and I’m actively applying for other roles. Time for a new challenge. Good luck OP!

Honestly I think you are overthinking it.

It’s perfectly possible to provide short feedback in 15 minutes. I would really caution against trying to use the session to justify why you should have got the job. That ship has sailed.

Ask for the feedback, take notes and ask if once you have reflected on it you have questions, then can you come back to them.

Go in armed with the questions you have.

ask for his honest feedback. Listen, take notes don’t interrupt.

then ask if he was you what his next step would be. Would he work
on interview techniques, seek out wider experience, consider a job change? Open questions and listen to his answers.

he is probably a bit nervous as well - people make complaints about things all the time and they are hugely time consuming. So he will want to be careful about what he says.

at the end of the day this is all just his opinion, another perspective to consider. But it’s your career and the only personal driving it is you

15 minutes should be fine to give you feedback on your interview performance, what went well and what could be improved.

If it brings up further questions which there isn't time to address, ask for another meeting at a later date.

I feel for you, it sucks.

I went for 3 internal jobs last year and didn't get any of them - 1 went to someone else (fair enough) and 2 went to external hires. What makes matters worse is now I work for 1 of those external hires, and he is a poor manager.

It was draining and really made me question staying at the company. But in all other regards it's a good company. So I'm taking the long term view and just doing the job I have - don't really have much choice.

I've mostly come to terms with it by now, but it has taken a solid 12 months to get there. And if I stop and think about it it still really irks me to work for someone who to be blunt, I think is less competent than I am. But hopefully, it's a 1-2 year setback, not a permanent problem.

So, I'd say it will get better with time, but if it's a good company to stay with then you have to do your best to get over it and get back to a productive, engaged mindset, and work out that longer-term plan of how you will move up in the future.

Get looking for another job. They don't value you. And I wouldn't bother with the feedback- when clearly experienced and competent people like you don't get promotions, it's nearly always for a personal reason or something to do with your personality (or even your looks- I've seen it happen, attractive people being "given" promotions over equally or even more experienced candidates!).
Or maybe they even don't want you to move up: Being good or very skilled at your job can actually be detrimental, as management and higher ups are worried that you will take their job or future opportunities (either from them or from their "favourites").
They will also, like you boss, encourage you to apply and interview whilst having no intention of giving you the job- they just feel that they "have" to interview you. So feedback will likely make you feel even more shit (although your boss of course won't say the real, more likely reasons outright: He will likely give vague, glossed-over, bullshit reasons to prevent a discrimination complaint!).
A lot of the time people get promotions simply because they're confident/gobby, have a lot in common with the boss, or are just very good looking- it's sadly nothing to do with their skills.

Since your boss is a man, then were one or both of the candidates an attractive female? Just saying.....