Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

Everyone has these disappointments so don’t feel too bad, although when it’s where you work it is extremely disappointing.
It’s happened to me and then the following year I got a bigger promotion at the same place of work.
Go for your feedback, it should help. Psych yourself up for it - tell yourself you are really good at your job but want to know the ‘why’s’.
Start looking elsewhere, I got my first promotion after a year and I’m sure it was because I looked for jobs in my lunch hour - it was newspapers back then so it was easier to do that in those days!

Get the feedback. I was outstanding at my job but hopeless at interviews so got promoted internally having failed catastrophically at some interviews.If there were more people than your manager interviewing you, you might need the feedback. My friend asked for feedback and was told her IT skills weren’t as good as needed. She addressed that and a year later reapplied and got the identical role.

Sorry you didn't get the promoting. But it makes a change, tbh, that it went externally and not to a "pre-approved but doing interviews for appearances sakes" that so often happens.

This is going to sound harsh if you are still feeling raw but you must get used to knockbacks like this. Many people change jobs every 3-5 years to get the promotion/pay-rise they may not get if they stay where they are.

Your manager encouraged you to apply, so that is good, (although maybe he also had to put up an internal candidate to please HR?). He has offered feedback which is good. But you don't want to hear it? That is a bit weak. Are you always resistant to advice and coaching? You need to stop that and listen for constructive feedback. And then you can decide in your own time if you want to stay or look elsewhere.

It is always easier to find a job while you are in one.

Take the feedback, clearly you're good at your job but not as good at interviews as the others. There must have been a fair process, your manager can't and shouldn't give you the job just because he likes and knows you, it would be very unreasonable to expect that.

You clearly have good experience so once you get help with interview technique (which is always saying lots of things so you can get lots of points) then you can get the next promotion opportunity.

Accept the feedback.

It was probably something to do with the interview, maybe you didn’t expand on your answers enough, I think this is something that is very easy to do if you are an external candidate because you are making sure the interviewers know as much as they can about you, but as an internal candidate you perhaps the assumption that the interviewers know a lot about you so you don’t need to sell yourself so hard. You do !

You also haven’t had an interview for at least three years so maybe need to sharpen up your interview techniques, lots of advice online , or get a friend to help you to develop interview confidence.

I think you need to have an open mind to what your manager has to say. I have seen my husband have this predicament in his job. He will have people who he sees as having potential but when a role comes up, he has to balance their potential with their ability to actually get the job done. I hope your manager is the type who can give constructive feedback.
I understand you feel disappointed but I always say there’s a reason why things happen. Something better is out there for you. I remember years ago not getting a job I had set my heart on. I was in tears. Then I met the person who got the job and I could see how she was better suited than me. I then got another job which turned out to be one of the happiest periods of my life.

Terrible advice.
They clearly do think she's good and value her as her manager is trying to help her.
They just don't rate her interview well, she probably didn't do a good job but they're offering her help to improve which she would be crazy to turn down.

I get it your feelings are hurt op but don't make this something it isn't.

Did you get a better job and promotion?

This

I get it is disappointing - I have been there! My advice would be to absolutely go for the feedback - you can never improve on what you aren't aware of and make sure you are open to feedback (eg. don't be overly emotional or defensive etc - making it easier for people to give you feedback means you are much more likely to get honest and constructive feedback). That your manager offered feedback and continuing support rather than you asking, really speaks volumes. Lean into that support if you are interested in progressing your career. It sounds like you enjoy your work and the company - don't throw that away because you didn't get one promotion.

People will be watching how you respond to the set back - if you show maturity, accountability, interest, resilience you will be displaying behaviours very useful in more senior roles. If you show the opposite of those it might affect how you are seen in the organisation.

Chalk it up to experience and see it for what it is an opportunity to learn and develop. Good luck!

Do you feel the manager is good at their job, has experience/knowledge you lack? If so, take the feedback, preferably last thing on a Friday so you have a couple of days to digest and regroup.
Then you will know where you stand within this company. Are you part of their succession planning and would taking X or Y course cement that.
If not then look elsewhere, and look at expanding your skill set.
Constructive feedback leading to you making a plan is great. Useless bumbling in order to avoid your resignation is not.

Same.

I would definitely get the feedback, it could be really useful. Clearly you didn’t do as well as you thought, and you need to gain insight into that, as it will help you next time.

I agree with PP I would start applying for jobs in other organisations.

Hmm, my experience with this kind of set up is that there was never a chance of them taking on the internal candidate. They just needed to tick a box and take on the two external candidates they always meant to take on...

If you can't face criticism, you won't progress.

Go along, put a professional face on and listen to what he has to say. You may well disagree with what he says and wish to look elsewhere, and that's absolutely fine and your decision to make but your desire to avoid critical feedback and your premature dismissal of anything he has to say won't help you get anywhere.

I’d accept the feedback meeting.
Listen to feedback and thank them for giving feedback.
It may be the external candidates had a specific qualification or experience that pipped you to post. Would company be willing to support you getting that qualification etc. Could you be involved with some projects to gain experience.
Even if you decide to leave the feedback will be useful for your applications.
Things move on. It may be newbies don’t work out or another role comes up. How you behave will be noted (I’ve seen situation where unsuccessful internal candidates behaviour cemented thoughts correct decision to made - not senior material if behaving like that) Refusing a feedback meeting isn’t professional.

You have my sympathy @downcast

This happened to me I was doing the job was asked to apply by the senior management (I didn’t really want to) interviewed they left me hanging for 3 weeks before saying no we’ve given it to someone else…there were 2 applicants!

the feedback I received was I wasn’t experienced enough for the role that’s it all they could give me

I was completely blindsided by it and was left feeling under appreciated and it knocked my confidence as I was already doing the job (I got another role within 2 weeks of interviewing) when they asked why I leave if I told them.

I’ve now heard that the person they have hired isn’t performing and they are looking to get rid of them no idea how true that is but that’s what I’ve been told by members of my old team…

You love and are invested in your career. That’s a good thing! You thought/ assumed you were going to get the job. You were given that impression, so I don’t blame you. However, you didn’t. Take it on the chin, realise we are nothing without being able to handle disappointment or rejection. Get used to it. Crack on with your career, listen to the feedback and take it on board. Be a trouper, big smile and work out if you want to stay in the company or not. Managing a team is hard work and maybe the people chosen were more experienced. You sound great and good at your job. Handing rejection, helping yourself through it, is a life skill. Keep going! You’ll be stronger as a result of this.

Some people are more sensitive than others and its difficult being rejected. Don't listen to people shaming you for that. You need to try and ignore your emotions and just carry on and eventually you will get there.

I'd get the feedback from your manager, maybe give it a week. Practice at interviews does make you better. It feels so personally but it isn't. I have to tell myself this as well, you aren't alone.

It took me ages to pass my driving test, I'd fail, get depressed for a few days and I just kept going and in the end passed and I never think about it now.

Just keep going. Look for more positions internally and externally.

Was it just your manger who interviewed or somebody else too? Were they independent? If so it’s actually harder to promote an internal applicant sometimes, especially somebody in your own team, as you have to be seen to not be bias. It sounds like the other 2 candidates were just stronger than you on the day/in general and if that’s the case your manager couldn’t justify offering you the position.

You will only know though if you actually speak to him and get his feedback.

i'd also suggest looking for another job in the more senior position you applied for, and relaxing a little more in your current role knowing the "above and beyond" part is no longer required from you as it doesn't = promotion.

it will be a real kick in the teeth if they expect you to show the externals how to do the role in any kind of training

as with most careers dont burn your bridges though just quietly try and find somewhere else that will appreciate your talents.

You thought/assumed you were going to get the job. You were given that impression, so I don’t blame you.

Since when is encouraging someone to apply the same as giving the impression that the job is a given? It's not.

@EnidSpyton makes very good points.

Time to move on, OP. Your manager doesn't appreciate you but another company will. In my experience, it's easier to get promoted by moving on than waiting for something to come up internally, however good you are at your job. Organisations like to keep people who are good at their jobs in those jobs! If it ain't broke, don't fix it etc etc.

See him as arranged. Listen to what he says and then put your case to him. If you are thinking of moving on, any criticism on his part will help you decide.