Didn’t get promoted and am devastated - please help

[downcast]

I’ve been in my current role for nearly three years. An opportunity to apply for promotion came up recently as two staff left, and my manager strongly encouraged me to go for it, which I did. Given his encouragement and the fact there were two roles I felt I had a good chance. However, after not hearing back for several weeks after my interview I was told that both jobs went to external candidates and am completely devastated. I adore my job, felt ready for more seniority and opportunities like this come round quite rarely as it’s a smallish company.

My manager is now saying he wants to give me feedback as he wants to help me progress my career, but that doesn’t ring true when he’s just given not one but two jobs to other people. I know my experience more than matched the role - it was a small step up in seniority but not by much. I also believe I’m good at my job - I am experienced and consistently get excellent feedback from clients and managers. I put in huge amounts of effort and some unpaid overtime as I have a genuine passion for what I do.

I’m at a loss over how to respond, as I can’t face the sort of meeting he’s proposing when I feel so deflated and frankly heartbroken. Listening to him explaining why I didn’t get the role will just feel like another kick in the teeth and I’m not sure I’m strong enough mentally to deal with that right now. I’ve been on the verge of tears in the office for the last week and am struggling to feel engaged in my work. I also feel quite depressed. What would you do?

Then process the advice. If it is sound, act on it. If it is word salad platitudes, look elsewhere for a more senior role.

@Stormroses thanks. How will I know if it’s word salad platitudes? Sorry, perhaps it’s obvious but I’m doubting myself right now and fear I won’t be able to tell the difference.

I interview people regularly mainly for internal promotions.

We never understand the people who don't ask for feedback and we really put effort into making that feedback helpful.

A lot of people end up getting the next role after closing out skills gaps etc.

Do you have a mentor or a sponsor who will support you?

Unfortunately, there are 2 occasions that really stick out in terms on unsuccessful candidates that were really just unlucky and lost out marginally. They did nothing wrong at all.

I once interviewed in March for a role and in October for a very similar role. The top 3 I interviewed in October were all stronger than the person appointed in March. Sometimes it's just a case of an exceptionally strong number of applicants and nothing more than that.

Also, how much do I stick up for myself in the feedback meeting? As in, if they say, we don’t feel you were ready in this area, do I say well, I’ve done XYZ and this shows that I am? OR do I just take it in the chin and say nothing?

You could position it as follows:

"Obviously I'm disappointed I didn't get the role but rather than dwell too much on that, I was hoping to get some feedback that will help me close out on any gaps or things that I should do that are likely to strenghten my chances next time".

It depends whether someone took detailed notes throughout the interview but assuming this was the case:

1. In which area(s) did I perform less well compared to other candidates? What would you recommend I focus on in terms of addressing these gaps?
2. Were there any questions where you felt I could have provided better examples / responses based on your experience working with me? (i.e. interview technique)
3. Other candidates aside, what would have been your main concerns/reservations about me stepping up into the role?

You say, “OK, so I already have XYZ experience. How can I build on that, and what else do I need to demonstrate, so that I am better positioned for the role in one or two years’ time?”

Thank you 🙏

Also, a general question: how much should I be promoting myself at work without sounding like an arrogant idiot?

For example, should I say to my boss: sorry I haven’t responded to your email about feedback yet - I’ve been very busy working on the ABC project and by the way, client X says they’re very happy with the outcome!

Or does that just make me sound silly?

Could you tell me which questions I scored down on, and what were you looking for/could I have said to have improved my answer?
What would you advise me to do so I'm in a stronger position next time?
Are there any opportunities for me to fill any gaps/gain more experience?

Don't argue with them. There's no point, because you need to remember it's not your view of yourself that matters, it's theirs, so your objective is not to stick up for yourself in a fight that's over, but to learn as much as you can about why they made their decision and what they think the gaps are.

it is illegal to work over European directive though, although since Brexit I’m not sure if that still applies

It does. It's just called the Working Time Directive, rather than the European WTD.

There are bits you can't opt out of, but you can opt out of the 48 hour average, and I don't think I've had any job contract since it came in that didn't include an opt out clause. There are exceptions; you can't opt out in roles like airline crew or HGV drivers, and there are rules around night working, too. Plus it's an average over a number of weeks, so you can definitely work more in one week.

But anyway - take the feedback and use it, whether it's to do better next time there's an internal opportunity or to ho somewhere else where you will be appreciated/won't be blocked, whatever the issue is.

I don't think sounding defensive or confrontational will help you move up. It's less about sticking up for yourself and more about learning what they were seeking that they didn't feel you were secure on yet.

So if they say: you weren't secure in this area, you could say: 'That's helpful. I felt that I learned a lot from doing X and Y which were strong steps in the right direction so how can I build on that to really secure those skills?'

The word salad is spottable because it's generic not specific. So if they say they 'just felt you weren't quite up to speed on the requisite skillsets' that's word salad as it means nothing specific. And it could be a sign that there wasn't really a good enough reason - they just didn't choose you. But if they said: 'We don't feel your Japanese is fluent enough to handle the Zoom calls with the Tokyo office, and there would be a lot more of that if you were promoted' then that's specific and something you can act on.

No don't stay that. They aren't going to change their mind. It just sounds like you are throwing in something which you think should have impacted the outcome.

It's not the time to be doing it.

Just go with zero apologies and zero extra information.

"I would really welcome that opportunity to get feedback. Can you let me know when suits you best?"

Simple and to the point.

A good manager realises that the most people need a few days to accept the decision and then they are open to feedback. I would be surprised if he doesn't realise that.

Some good suggestions for questions already, so just wanted to add that it’s not about sticking up for yourself or promoting yourself in a defensive way. You’re not going to be attacked or anything like that. It’s a learning opportunity and the more open and positive you can be, the more you’ll get out of it going forward. It’s clearly knocked your confidence but hopefully the feedback will shift that and put you on the path to building it up to be stronger.

Request to go through all your answers to the questions, clarify what responses were they looking for.

It sounds like your manager felt he needed you where you were and couldn’t be bothered recruiting for and training your replacement 🙄 Vote with your feet and move on I say.

I think you definitely say what you've done. I also think you do have to accept that there were two better candidates than you too, and your boss telling you to apply was a positive thing. I think the feedback meeting will be a good thing for you and if you think you were retested unfairly then start looking for another role.

I don't agree with this, this will just show that you weren't the right candidate if you need the "answers"

don’t you have regular 1to1 meetings with your boss to discuss results of your projects? I’m a senior director in my organisation and still sit with my own boss once a week for 30 minutes and definitely blow my own trumpet about good projects and highlight issues about bad ones. I send him a few bullet points ahead of the meeting and make sure he knows what I’m doing and what’s going on. Every organisation is different but I definitely think this is important. I do the same with my team, but I give them 1 hour each as their tasks are purely tactical and need more time to discuss

I am not suggesting that she ask for the answers, that would definitely suggest not suitable for the role.
But knowing how her responses landed to any of the questions asked is a good starting point in opening up the feedback discussion.

This will be the same manager who encouraged OP to apply for the position then and is voluntarily offering OP feedback.
It seems odd they would do that when it would be easier to say nothing.
Seems much more likely that the other candidate did a better interview and the manager was obliged to give them the position.

Yes, this. Find out what areas of the interview went well, what could have been improved and how.

If your boss is genuinely invested in your development they will be happy to do this. You are showing interest and willing.

I would see such a meeting as less about explaining why you should have got the job, and more about taking onboard what they’ve said, or what the feedback is. Much better to take it away, reflect, think, and come back with more questions if you have them later. Remember that at this point, you’re very unlikely to change the outcome of the interview - the goal is more to learn whatever you can for the next time you’re in this situation.

You need to listen.

You need to ask which areas you didn't score as well on as the successful candidate.

You need to understand if there is a technical &/or behavioural skills deficit.

You need to decide whether any of the feedback resonates.

Get a robust PDP in place