To want to nip this in the bud ( LGBTQ views , child )

[Calmorchaos]

I’m after some advice really on how to approach this.

I have always been the type of person to support anyone to be who they are. I’ve never shied away or shielded my children from the world - very much a ‘love is love’ person and always encouraged my children to support those who need it and be inclusive ( in terms of people being bullied , disabilities etc too ) .

My youngest is going into high school ( 11 ) . Over the past few months I’ve noticed a few comments such as “ there are 2 genders “ , “ I don’t support LGBTQ “ . I’ve addressed this in the moment . But recently he found out his new school has an LGBTQ assembly on a monthly basis and he has started saying he doesn’t want to go because “ he doesn’t support it” . I sat down and had a chat with him , I explained to him that it isn’t really his place to choose to not agree with it - it’s not a choice , i explained it as he could say he doesn’t agree with people eating meat as that is a choice he would be making , but someone’s sexuality is their feelings and not a choice.

I am sure comments will allow me to explain more how the conversation went from my side so I won’t drag this post on with that but his comments were unnerving :

• he believes someone chooses to be gay , they can control it but they choose it
• we can choose who we fall in love with
• if a friend of his told him he was gay he would still be friends with them but not as good because they chose to be gay and he doesn’t support it.

I know he is very young and he doesn’t understand and has things to learn. He is the sweetest boy and the way he said these things sounded scripted as though he has heard others say this . I know he is a child and it’s my job that guide him and that’s the advice I’m asking for , how do I address this? I’m not saying I need him to go around advocating I just don’t want these views becoming ingrained and he becomes the reason another student who is struggling, struggles more. I know I may be overreacting but this age and as the years go on is a time that he can be heavily influenced . He’s a quiet, sweet boy and I do believe he could be heavily influenced.

Another concerning thing is that when I asked him where he had heard all this and where it comes from he said his Dad .

But this is wrong and confusing too. I think you need to be very clear that there are only 2 genders you need to be very clear that there are some very questionable reasons behind the trans trend so he is right to not support it.

This is the problem with lumping lots of disperate groups together. If one group is exposed as being based on very questionable foundations it flows through questioning others in that group. This is why gay people need to ensure distance from the trans community. You need to discuss this with your son.

Because

It is not the norm is it? interesting - maybe the school has had an issue with bullying and this is a way to tackle it.

Just curious @Calmorchaos Any other minority groups recognised with a monthly assembly at this school? What do they even discuss every month?

There are two separate issues here. That said, telling him he and his dad are wrong and preaching at him when he’s already sick and tired of the assemblies doing just that, is likely to result in him doubling down and aligning himself more strongly with his father.

Interestingly, his views align with a generational trend. There’s been a shift towards conservatism in younger generation Z and generation Alpha.

There is a lot of homophobia in schools so he will get it from there as well as from his dad. I would just keep promoting a more liberal outlook. He will form his own view regardless of yours and they will probably change over time.

Are we back in the 70s comparing being gay to paedophilia. You are that group did try and align themselves with the fight for rights, luckily they didn’t have the same success as the gay liberation movement, and went back underground. Many people who were involved in that insane campaign have now gone to prison, better late than never. Interesting BBC podcast called Dark Corners on it if you any one any some actual history instead of bundling paedophiles in with gay people.

Oh OP, I'm afraid I don't have any advice as such because I've never had to navigate a similar situation. Still, hopefully my perspective might be worth something as a lesbian with teen boys in my family.

As many have said, homophobia like this ties in closely with the misogynistic views of the "manosphere" and it's well worth keeping an eye on. So much homophobia stems at least in part from misogyny, thinking that gay men are somehow "girly" and that femininity is "beneath" men, and in turn that lesbians are somehow "manly" and trying to take men's roles in society and relationships. I'm not saying by any stretch that your DS is an outright misogynist, but I do think that many boys and men hold such prejudices without ever consciously having a dislike of women. Passive misogyny, in a sense, that can become homophobia.

My suggestion would be to make sure he sees both media and real-life examples of both strong women and LGBT+ people. Not necessarily as role-models, and certainly not anything that could be seen as tokenistic or preachy, but just to normalise the variety of people he will come across in life. I think the best way to tackle these kind of passive prejudices is just living in a way that disproves them. If you have LGBT+ friends or family, that will already be providing a counter-example to the beliefs he seems to have developed. The same goes for strong women who don't conform to misogynist stereotypes, or men who don't conform to stereotypical masculinity. If these people can be part of the background of his life, those beliefs will be in a constant battle against the evidence he can see all around him.

It's already a good start that he says he wouldn't stop being friends with anyone who came out as LGBT+, even if he wouldn't be as close. It shows that respect and compassion is the basis of his relationships and views on other people, and I think that's something you could use as a building block to challenging some of his prejudiced beliefs on homosexuality and trans identity.

I hope things go well for both you and your DS!

100%. God, it is absolutely not a choice at all. As if anyone would choose to be gay when there is so much prejudice in the world.

Yeah but the transphobics pretending to be feminists can’t take a day off…god forbid someone wants to use the wrong restroom…not on their watch

Sounds like a smart lad resisting indoctrination

@Calmorchaos But in your son's world he is absolutely correct. He's 11. He is surrounded by children who are choosing to adopt sexualities and identities from the prescribed list they are learning about. 'To see if it fits' so to speak. They are likely to choose another next week. Maybe he's just not into that and finds it all a bit tedious?

@Calmorchaos he believes someone chooses to be gay , they can control it but they choose it

we can choose who we fall in love with

I think you need to explain to DS that if he thinks people choose to be gay, then this implies he is gay as he thinks that he could choose to fall in love with a man. This is not how heterosexual men are, as no heterosexual man could ever fall in love with a man.

Aside from that though... children generally grow out of this stuff. I believed all sorts of daft things at 11 that I no longer believe.

So why should he have to go to an assembly to celebrate it then?

Well said.

I would just explain to him that he's entitled to believe whatever he wants, or be friends with whoever he wants, but that certain views need to be kept to himself as its hurtful to others.
If he doesn't want to be close friends with someone who is gay then thats his choice, but he can't be mean to them or bully them.

If he views attraction as a choice that's again his opinion which hes entitled to, but again keep it to himself.
I would ask him if he's attracted to any girls yet, if he says yes then ask if he could choose not to be. Then ask him if he finds any girls very unattractive, and then when he presumably says yes, ask him if that's a choice he's making or just how he naturally feels.

I wouldn't go too hard trying to force it though, it will likely have the opposite effect you're intending at that age.
Just calm logic and reminders that he is mature enough to understand that he has to be kind to people regardless of his opinions.

I havent read.all replies but my first thought is...

Sadly this is the consequence of mixing the T and Q in with the LGB.
Its a shame that a tiny proportion of the "community" has singlehandedly sown the seeds of a backlash and has Undone all the incredible work that the LGB community has done over the decades.

I wondered this too…

I wouldn’t try & convince him otherwise I would just hold firm on your belief that sexuality isn’t a choice. I would go down the line of respect & that everyone deserves to be treated courteously if they’re not hurting anyone else. I would also advice his dad & ask him to be mindful, that you worry his views may not be tolerated amongst his peers & you worry he may ostracise himself if he becomes to vocal.

He can believe what he likes… he is entitled to his beliefs

But if they are discriminating and he acts on them… he can get in to trouble with school, work and the law.

Its better to challenge him via societal point of view

Xx

I disagree about the boy just copying his dad. I knows his dad's opinions, the schools opinions and his mum's opinions and has formed his own. My dgd is that age and her father is homophobic but she definitely isn't.

What crime would be committed by expressing that a person thinks being gay is a choice?

Absolutely. this is just a confused kid who is reacting to the ideology that is being pushed through the school system. Again I'd advise the parent to teach him to hold his thoughts, push through and celebrate that he can see he is being manipulated, he just hasn't worked it all out yet.

Your examples are both bisexual.

Representation isn't celebration. We're indoctrinated with heteronormativity 99% of the time. Once a month isn't even 10%, it's just acknowledgement.