To feel let down by DH on this holiday?

[Huntergy]

We’re a few days into a family holiday in Spain with DH, our two DDs (7 and 4) and DS (1). I was really looking forward to this - first proper trip abroad since before DS was born - but I’m starting to feel like I may as well have stayed at home for all the “break” I’m getting.

What’s tipped me over a bit today was yesterday afternoon. DS and DD2 were both absolutely done in after lunch, so I took them back to the room for a nap. Asked DH if he could keep an eye on DD1 in the pool, she was happy splashing about and I said I’d be back down in 45 mins or so.

Came back down and found DD1 sitting wrapped in a towel looking miserable. DH had apparently wandered off to the bar to watch the football, said DD1 “wasn’t in the pool anymore” so he thought it was fine. She’s SEVEN. He was a good distance away and not really paying attention. Anything could’ve happened.

When I said he’d been out of order, he got defensive and we ended up having a row. He said I was “doing my usual” and overreacting. Took himself off out last night and rolled in after 1am. We’ve barely spoken today. He’s now acting like I’ve ruined the holiday.

I’m just tired. I feel like I’m still doing all the parenting while he’s checking out completely and treating it like a lad’s weekend. I wanted us to have proper family time and it’s just not happening.

AIBU to feel completely let down? Is this just what holidays with young kids are like or is he being a selfish idiot? Be honest.

1. Family holidays with young children are quite full on, you don't really get much of a break when you're away, no. That should go for both of you though, not just you.

1. There is absolutely no way anyone with a pinch of sense, would leave a 7 year old unattended around the pool?? I can't even think of 1 reason where this would be dismissed as 'over reacting'. That's actually a wild thing to say!!

That would absolutely ruin my holiday, I'd be fuming because it is just totally unacceptable. I'm sorry you're having such a shitty time. Considering he is already gas lighting you into questioning whether you're in the wrong here it seems as though a conversation about it would be pointless.

YAVMNBU though, no part of this (from what you've written) is your fault.

@Soulfulunfurling yes they were quite selfish growing up. On holiday again when I was about 7 they left db and me in the caravan to have a drink in the pub about 5 minutes away. We were meant to be asleep but I woke up and went in search of them! I did go into the pub and got told off. Not many mothers worked in those days and we had moved out of the city to a 'nice' suburb so my nana couldn't keep an eye on us. My db died last year and I really miss him, we were very close given our upbringing.

Your DH needs to read this and then step up. Potentially you can each give the other a few half days off to relax when the other agrees to take all the kids, but obviously his behaviour is rubbish and needs to change. Also regarding your daughter, completely irresponsible, she could have fallen in the water or anything. You need to be able to trust he will parent.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/vacation-or-trip-a-helpful-guide-for-parents_b_7789310

This really. Why not just see it as the final straw. He's not on the team so just be done.

He's crap at home and crap on holiday. At least on your own, you can have a bit of control over your own life.

I would be beyond furious with him. Let him life the single life if it's so important he would risk your 7yo to get it.

I think you know this is the end of your relationship, he put your child in danger and now is deflecting his behaviour back on to you .
please put yourself and your children first and leave x

How would he feel if the 7 year old has been abducted or drowned?

I used to work for a travel company and can confirm that leaving children alone and unattended whilst parents went to the bar was the biggest cause of fatalities

As a last-ditch effort to salvage something of your marriage (and from what you describe, it doesn’t seem worth the effort), show him this thread. I’m sorry, OP. You and the DC deserve so much better. 🥺

I imagine it would be less stressful just doing everything for 3 children rather than 4? He’s behaving like a child. I assume you don’t want a 4th child?

Oh my goodness who leaves a 7 year old unsupervised by a pool?? I have a 7 year old and I would have reacted exactly like you did if my husband did this….probably worse 🙈😂 he is a confident swimmer but I still wouldn’t leave him unsupervised….anything could have happened!

I just read your update and see that you are almost done. That’s maybe a conversation you need to have once you are home, as this holiday sounds like a make or break for you. As for swanning away into town til 1am…he is on a family holiday not the with the lads!

Sapiens by whom?

He MUST be like this at home? No way he's any different. So why expect him to be a kind engaging dad and dotting husband when he's away? He's showing you his true colours, many men don't think they need to change after becoming a father ,many men don't . It's not going to get better.

Yuval Noah Harari

YABU to be expecting a holiday with small kids to be fun and relaxing! It’s just the same old in a more inconvenient accommodation.
YANBU to be expecting your DH to be sharing in the misery! What an arse he is…

No, they are fun and relaxing if you’ve a equal partner who actually parents his children.

There’s nothing fun and relaxing about incessant demands and constant vigilance however many people it’s shared by. All the more reason both parents need to do it.

You called him out on his behaviour and he's had a tantrum. He was out until 1am. Sorry but that's utterly ridiculous behaviour. Is this the first time something like this has happened? Just feels like a total over reaction by him to not be a pattern of behaviour. Massive red flag.

Not the point of the thread, but early humans wern't splitting themselves into male and female one group to hunt one to tend the home fires. Most food pre farming was gathered fruit nuts seafood etc. When there was a big hunt on the whole tribe would go and help take down and process the animals. So it wasn't a men leaving them while the women had to cope with the children situation. I know some posters like to bend over backwards to blame women but this is such a weird reach

I totally agree with you that what he did was wrong. It was irresponsible and it put your child in danger. Has he not watched the news and heard of the Madeleine McCann disappearance. A 7yr old child is not able to fight off an adult who is determined to take them. There was also the danger of drowning if she was unsupervised in the pool. He is a selfish prick and you and the children deserve better. I would be looking for flights home and changing the locks when I got back. He obviously values alcohol and his social life more than you and the children.

I would remind your DH of Madeline McCann? Parents thought they had left her safe (admittedly at night) but she wasn't was she? Anyone could have taken your DD! Fucking madness and I would be super super angry at this.

He sounds a lot like my own Dad. He was also very “hands off”. He would have told me to sit on a chair with a book or magazine and not to move - and would have called that parenting.

I'm not sure I could do that though. He doesn't sound safe to trust with 3 kids near water 🤷‍♀️

And endanger her kids by leaving them with a man who, quite frankly, is a risk to them?

No. What I am saying is, as per the OP this man has ALWAYS been ‘hands off’. Presumably starting with the first child. One child is manageable with one hands-off parent, but two or three are much more difficult. So, i don’t understand having additional children with, and relying on, a hands-off man who has demonstrated he is basically just a sperm donor, and then being surprised when he demonstrates he doesn’t give a shit. And there are so many posts like this, women having additional children with disinterested hands-off men, because surely more babies will fix everything. 🙄

This. Perfectly.