To feel let down by DH on this holiday?

[Huntergy]

We’re a few days into a family holiday in Spain with DH, our two DDs (7 and 4) and DS (1). I was really looking forward to this - first proper trip abroad since before DS was born - but I’m starting to feel like I may as well have stayed at home for all the “break” I’m getting.

What’s tipped me over a bit today was yesterday afternoon. DS and DD2 were both absolutely done in after lunch, so I took them back to the room for a nap. Asked DH if he could keep an eye on DD1 in the pool, she was happy splashing about and I said I’d be back down in 45 mins or so.

Came back down and found DD1 sitting wrapped in a towel looking miserable. DH had apparently wandered off to the bar to watch the football, said DD1 “wasn’t in the pool anymore” so he thought it was fine. She’s SEVEN. He was a good distance away and not really paying attention. Anything could’ve happened.

When I said he’d been out of order, he got defensive and we ended up having a row. He said I was “doing my usual” and overreacting. Took himself off out last night and rolled in after 1am. We’ve barely spoken today. He’s now acting like I’ve ruined the holiday.

I’m just tired. I feel like I’m still doing all the parenting while he’s checking out completely and treating it like a lad’s weekend. I wanted us to have proper family time and it’s just not happening.

AIBU to feel completely let down? Is this just what holidays with young kids are like or is he being a selfish idiot? Be honest.

And a "what did you expect" post was so helpful? Not only did it not address OP's initial post it's a slap in the face, isn't it? Who cares whether or not you understand OP's choices, or anyone else's for that matter. Those types of posts lack empathy and just make a person feel badly.

This is AIBU. Opinions are expected.

Totally unhelpful post.
May as well just say "Told you so"

Again, this is AIBU. And to expect someone who, per OP, has always been hands off, to suddenly be involved and helpful, and then to be surprised/outraged when they are not, is most definitely unreasonable. 🤷‍♀️

Again, totally unhelpful.

Yes, OP DID know what he was like, however this time it's different.

1. It's the first time she's realised she can't even trust him with basic safety.

1. It's the first time she's felt she's "done" and this is whilst mid holiday.

Sensible, empathetic advice would be more useful than "what did you expect"?

There is a stark difference between "hands off" and negligent.
If the OP had come on simply complaining that she was doing the bulk of the childcare the responses would probably be different. Leaving a seven year old unsupervised, in a foreign location, by a pool goes far beyond hands off.

Exactly that is absolutely stupid and dangerous behaviour from a parent.

Hands-off can mean everything from slightly uninvolved to completely disinterested. Considering the OP noted he accused her of ‘overreacting’ when called out for his negligence, i suspect an ongoing pattern of the latter. Which won’t change whether at home or on holiday.

No , hands off parenting doesn't mean completely disinterested - that would be no parenting.

Regardlessly of your suspicions, even if he is a hands off parent, that doesn't stand to reason she would expect negligence from him.

I guess he’s been promoted from hands off to shit parent then.

Neglectful parent, maybe?

There's plenty of shit parents about but not all are neglectful.

Let’s be clear OP, leaving a 7 year old unattended and especially near a pool is entirely unacceptable to the point of being a safeguarding issue.

The rest is just selfishness but he is a dick and you know it. Sorry.

I would ignore him and don’t let him gaslight you to thinking you are unreasonable. Do fun things with your kids and ignore ignore ignore him.

Have some free time yourself and leave him to it, but emphasise that if he can’t be trusted to look after them safely then the marriage is over and he’ll only be seeing them in a supervised contact centre. Spell it out.

I'd get up, get the kids ready and go out. Leave him to do whatever he wants and enjoy your time with them. He can be a dick but he doesn't get to take the joy away. Try your best to carry on for them and let him get on with whatever he wants to. When you get home, that's when decisions can be made. Have the best time with those babies x

@BestZebbie I personally wasn't allowed out on my own without an adult until I started secondary school.

I'm sorry, but I cannot believe that this is true.

Please let me ask, what happened during the weekend? It is not possible that you sat indoors every single weekend until you started secondary school, because as I said before, no parent would ever tolerate that.

My family ran a shop so they worked on Saturday morning while I watched cartoons etc, on Saturday afternoons we would largely do our own thing in the house or garden (my parents did chores) although I'd always go to the library and maybe some charity shops with my Mum too, on Sunday we would spend a large chunk doing something all together as a family (visiting relatives, board games, a picnic etc) plus all having baths, cooking and eating a roast dinner etc. Even when I was an older teenager the routine was similar except I had homework to do and sometimes went out on the bus with friends too.

Tell him your almost done & he is a shocking father & see what he says

@BestZebbie My family ran a shop so they worked on Saturday morning while I watched cartoons etc, on Saturday afternoons we would largely do our own thing in the house or garden (my parents did chores) although I'd always go to the library and maybe some charity shops with my Mum too

So if you weren't out with parents, you were mostly at home indoors.

And your parents had no issue with that?

Well what else do you do if you're too young to go out alone? Why would they be bothered by the presence of a child, existing?

No - I went to school every day Mon-Fri, of course, plus a few after-school clubs, into town to the library on Saturday afternoon and we very much valued Sundays to spend all together. We also had a garden to play in for additional 'fresh air'. So I was out of the house for a large chunk of time on all but a couple of days a month (home slightly more in the summer holiday, but there were still relatives, friends, playschemes and family holidays). I did a lot of reading, writing stories, drawing, craft etc after-school and that was all very much encouraged by my parents in preference to being out in public unattended!
Didn't you get bored just being outside without any of that sort of thing to do every day? Or did you mostly play with other children?

@AffableApple Well what else do you do if you're too young to go out alone?

Children normally go outside to see other children in the area. Although I accept that nowadays that's not as feasible due to increased air pollution.

Why would they be bothered by the presence of a child, existing?

Because parents generally dislike their children sitting around the house. They typically get thrown outside.

OK. And when they're too young?

It’s not due to pollution it’s to do with safety.

In my opinion. Air pollution would never enter my head as an issue with a child playing outdoors.

@3luckystars It’s not due to pollution it’s to do with safety.

Has it not occurred to you that the safety issue is mostly caused by parents? It's parents who are buying SUVs and making the streets unsafe, not single people. If parents want the streets to be safe again, then it's up to parents to stop buying massive cars.

Air pollution would never enter my head as an issue with a child playing outdoors.

Then you need to do more homework. Air quality in the UK is very poor. Even walking down a road with cars passing by, it's easy to tell that the air quality is bad.

I’m not in the UK.

Cars are not the main safety issues I’m talking about. I wouldn’t leave a child unsupervised outside playing for other reasons. I guess we are ll different.