To feel let down by DH on this holiday?

[Huntergy]

We’re a few days into a family holiday in Spain with DH, our two DDs (7 and 4) and DS (1). I was really looking forward to this - first proper trip abroad since before DS was born - but I’m starting to feel like I may as well have stayed at home for all the “break” I’m getting.

What’s tipped me over a bit today was yesterday afternoon. DS and DD2 were both absolutely done in after lunch, so I took them back to the room for a nap. Asked DH if he could keep an eye on DD1 in the pool, she was happy splashing about and I said I’d be back down in 45 mins or so.

Came back down and found DD1 sitting wrapped in a towel looking miserable. DH had apparently wandered off to the bar to watch the football, said DD1 “wasn’t in the pool anymore” so he thought it was fine. She’s SEVEN. He was a good distance away and not really paying attention. Anything could’ve happened.

When I said he’d been out of order, he got defensive and we ended up having a row. He said I was “doing my usual” and overreacting. Took himself off out last night and rolled in after 1am. We’ve barely spoken today. He’s now acting like I’ve ruined the holiday.

I’m just tired. I feel like I’m still doing all the parenting while he’s checking out completely and treating it like a lad’s weekend. I wanted us to have proper family time and it’s just not happening.

AIBU to feel completely let down? Is this just what holidays with young kids are like or is he being a selfish idiot? Be honest.

I’d be absolutely raging, OP. Who thinks it’s okay to leave any 7 year old by a pool? Let alone in another country and ti just go and have a drink?! If you’d of said he had a sudden bout of diarrhoea and had to use the nearest toilet I’d kind of get that (I’d still be pissed off that he didn’t just bring her up to the room).

The fact that he couldn’t spent 45 minutes with his DD is sad. He doesn’t sound like a good husband or Dad. I’d be seriously planning a way out for when I got home from all of the things you’ve said.

I personally wasn't allowed out on my own without an adult until I started secondary school. At 7 I attended Brownies, which was in a hall about 15 doors down from my house - my Mum walked me there and back and held my hand to cross the road.

He's a pig.

In the 70s and 80s we were outside from morning till night, unsupervised from the age of about 5. My brother was too young to properly count what floor we lived on and too small to reach the lift buttons, so he would generally stick with me, when he was out and about. Mind you, it was a council estate, not sure what the wealthier kids got up to.

I walked my younger brother to school alone, about a half hour walk, from the age of 8 or 9.

Having said that, I nearly got killed quite few times, we used to take rides on the back of garbage trucks, climb really high lamposts and trees, and once I nearly skidded into the river down a steep bank, as we regularly played around water, totally unsupervised and a boy did actually drown in the river that ran through the area when I was young.

So perhaps some middle ground would be better than comparing it to my youth.

YANBU.

He's a selfish, immature asshole.

This.

@Huntergy

https://www.swimnow.co.uk/guide/swimming-pool-safety-tips-for-kids/

Or - the hotel will have swimming pool rules? I’d get the manager to tell him too. Embarrass him.

It’s the fact that he still thinks he is in the right - it would really concern me. How can you trust him to take them out anywhere?

Or even a second.,

If they’re all in the same room I doubt they are shagging anyway so that’s hardly a threat

So, what you're saying is she deserves it as she should've known? Fucking hell. 🤦‍♀️

Outrageously poor parenting. Try to enjoy the rest of the holiday then seriously consider if you can stay with such an idiot.

I'm so sorry OP. What a deadbeat he is! And to think you even had to ask if you're the one BU when he left your DD unattended BY A POOL and then went out and got drunk alone last night. He sounds desperately selfish and immature.

You need to be honest with him that you are at the end of your tether.

I let my kids walk home from school alone or go alone to the playground with friends or to the supermarket or bakery; I think helicopter parenting is wrong and I let them have a good bit of physical freedom.

But next to a pool anything can happen and it's important for a parent to be present.

Plus on holiday my DH loves to spend time with his kids, why is this man so bored by family life, why does he show so little interest in being with them (unless he can put it on Instagram) or doing anything to help?

This situation is not normal and OP is right to be upset.

Leaving your dd by a pool is a massive drowning risk or she could just as easily have been abducted at such a young age. Anyone could have offered to take her to you - and put her in a car.

It sounds like he was looking for a row so he could go out and drink. Does he have a drinking problem? Because who leaves their young child unattended to go to a bar. You really can’t trust him.

I would either pack up and leave, if you are finding it impossible to manage solo parenting in a place with so many risks, which is what you are doing. Or stay where you are, and sort this out when you get home. This isn’t ideal as I don’t know how you move on from what he has done to your dd. Thank god she is okay, no thanks to him.

You really do deserve so much more than this, he is checked out and is a terrible father.

I'm 60 and I was definitely allowed to wander alone at the age of 7. I'd go and knock at a friend's door and we'd go to the park. I also walked to school with my 12 month younger brother which was about a mile away - there was a lollipop lady to cross the busiest road. I had the doorkey on a string around my neck as both our parents worked full-time. By about 10 I'd have been expected to have the potatoes peeled (we always had potatoes) before they got back from work. When I was 6 we went on a 6 week cruise and my db and I just roamed free most of the time.

A decent man would’ve enjoyed some time playing with DD in the pool, then taken her for a drink or ice cream. He then would have helped with baths/showers and gone with you for dinner. Followed by a wander round and drinks on the balcony. Is this new behaviour?

You parents are negligent - sorry. You sound like a latchkey child which was not unusual in the times you describe. Yes you survived but you were neglected even if it felt normal to you. Leaving young children to roam a cruise alone is a safe guarding issue for so many reasons.

Three kids with an absolutely shit Dad, I feel for them and you! I’m afraid the pool thing would be divorce proceedings for me! She could have easily drowned or been taken.

Extremely irresponsible to do this, he can't be trusted to keep them safe at all

Unfortunately, I agree.

He’s always had a bit of a “hands off” approach to parenting

And yet women continue to have more children with these kind of men

If you do ever have sex with him again make sure you have watertight contraception.

I'm 60 and I was definitely allowed to wander alone at the age of 7. I'd go and knock at a friend's door and we'd go to the park. I also walked to school with my 12 month younger brother which was about a mile away - there was a lollipop lady to cross the busiest road. I had the doorkey on a string around my neck as both our parents worked full-time. By about 10 I'd have been expected to have the potatoes peeled (we always had potatoes) before they got back from work. When I was 6 we went on a 6 week cruise and my db and I just roamed free most of the time.

similar age here too but I wasn’t allowed to roam - sorry but you did have a neglectful childhood.

there were many child rapes, murders and fatal accident in those days too

I would just pack up and go home - you won’t be able to relax with so many risks and a deadbeat husband.

I think this is besides the point tbh. Why doesn't this man have any interest in spending time with his kids? Why didn't he offer to do something nice and one-on-one with his daughter and instead just wander off like a cat without telling her what he was doing? My DH likes spending time with his children, especially on holiday - this man seems bored and inconvenienced by them.

I'm not a helicopter parent, I think fears of abduction in broad daylight are overblown, my kids are allowed to wander around the neighbourhood with their friends or alone during daylight hours - but by a pool kids must be attended as things can go south quickly.

@nomoremsniceperson yes, different times and a familiar place. My exdh has a lot in common with op's dh minus the drinking. I can't believe that he wouldn't have stayed with his dd. Exdh has now turned into a helicopter parent now the youngest is 17 so still getting it wrong!

What kind of father leaves a 7 year old by a pool to go to the bar and watch TV??

I couldn’t be with such an idiot.