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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel let down by DH on this holiday?

254 replies

Huntergy · 08/07/2025 16:23

We’re a few days into a family holiday in Spain with DH, our two DDs (7 and 4) and DS (1). I was really looking forward to this - first proper trip abroad since before DS was born - but I’m starting to feel like I may as well have stayed at home for all the “break” I’m getting.

What’s tipped me over a bit today was yesterday afternoon. DS and DD2 were both absolutely done in after lunch, so I took them back to the room for a nap. Asked DH if he could keep an eye on DD1 in the pool, she was happy splashing about and I said I’d be back down in 45 mins or so.

Came back down and found DD1 sitting wrapped in a towel looking miserable. DH had apparently wandered off to the bar to watch the football, said DD1 “wasn’t in the pool anymore” so he thought it was fine. She’s SEVEN. He was a good distance away and not really paying attention. Anything could’ve happened.

When I said he’d been out of order, he got defensive and we ended up having a row. He said I was “doing my usual” and overreacting. Took himself off out last night and rolled in after 1am. We’ve barely spoken today. He’s now acting like I’ve ruined the holiday.

I’m just tired. I feel like I’m still doing all the parenting while he’s checking out completely and treating it like a lad’s weekend. I wanted us to have proper family time and it’s just not happening.

AIBU to feel completely let down? Is this just what holidays with young kids are like or is he being a selfish idiot? Be honest.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 08/07/2025 16:55

You can't leave a 7yr old like that, he's neglectful and selfish.

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/07/2025 16:59

Crinkleybottomburger · 08/07/2025 16:55

I would pack myself a bag and a good book and walk out during breakfast. Go and have a nice relaxing day without them all.

Knowing that he could just walk off and leave the kids completely by themselves? Not very relaxing for OP.

thestudio · 08/07/2025 16:59

Why are you minimising how badly he has let you down with that jokey 'hands-off approach'?

What you mean is he's generally lazy and exploitative, and his real view whatever he says in public is that, because you're the women and he's the man, you should do his share of the shitwork.

It's not an 'approach', it's an abuse.

Why have you gone along with it? I'm not victim-blaming, I genuinely think it will help you to ask yourself this and try and work out the answer.

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 16:59

Yanbu. We did one foreign holiday when kids were little as we discovered it wasnt worth the chnage of routines or stress. On no planet would dh disappeared drinking. Tbh neither of us drank much as kids still had us up at 6 or 7am

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 16:59

Yanbu. We did one foreign holiday when kids were little as we discovered it wasnt worth the chnage of routines or stress. On no planet would dh disappeared drinking. Tbh neither of us drank much as kids still had us up at 6 or 7am

Emilysmum90 · 08/07/2025 16:59

Why couldn't he take her with him to the bar and buy her a coke, then come back and have them on your loungers? Isn't that what most people do? Why does he need to be spending so much time sitting alone in various bars?

I'd be raging over the leaving her unattended by itself let alone the rest of it.

I'd tell you to go home early but it sounds like he'd love you to do that so he can spend a week sat on his arse drinking beer without any childcare. Sorry OP sounds shit all round.

MummyJ36 · 08/07/2025 17:00

i have a 7 year old DC and hell would freeze over before I left them unattended in a foreign country to go drinking at a bar! I would be absolutely livid at that alone let alone anything else. Does he not have any sense at all that this was a dangerous decision? It’s all well and good being the “relaxed” parent when the other parent has to shoulder literally all of the burden of responsibility (which it sounds like you are doing).

I would try and get through the holiday by keeping your cool and doing a bit of grey rock. When you get back have a proper think about whether this marriage is going to work for you in the long term and talk to him when the kids aren’t around. Perhaps her realises or perhaps he doesn’t but something has to give.

VirginaGirl · 08/07/2025 17:03

Selfish idiot is putting it mildly.

AffableApple · 08/07/2025 17:08

I don’t think he even realises how close I am to being completely done.

Why are you not completely done?

Be honest, what does he add to your life?

Be honest, how much day to day workload would go away without him?

He left your child next to a hotel pool to go drinking. He left you all in a hotel room, to go drinking.

As a result of this he's not speaking to you?

How much childcare is he avoiding as a result of ignoring you?

ginasevern · 08/07/2025 17:09

Fucking hell OP, your DD could've been the next Madeleine McCann. I suggest you lose the husband and never, ever trust him again with your precious children.

FamilyPhoto · 08/07/2025 17:09

He is a cunt.
That would be it for me.

Pateallday · 08/07/2025 17:10

Honestly OP, this would be something that had me revisiting the whole relationship. If this is a reflection of his normal parenting style its not a surprise you're running on fumes

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2025 17:10

I get that you (annoyingly) can’t trust him enough for you to go off for a break but could you tell him that you’re reading a book/ having a rest by the pool while he is on full parenting duty?

You then need to properly address his lazy arse when he gets home. Get to doing 50-50 childcare when not working. If he won’t do this you need to consider whether he respects you at all. I suspect you already know the answer to whether he respects you…

popcornpower2025 · 08/07/2025 17:14

Crinkleybottomburger · 08/07/2025 16:55

I would pack myself a bag and a good book and walk out during breakfast. Go and have a nice relaxing day without them all.

Well obviously she can't do that because he will not keep the children safe

Ginseng1 · 08/07/2025 17:14

Our first holiday when dc1 was 1 we went with another family & same age child. On about day 3 the other mum & me realised we were doing all the grunt work re the children re feeding, cleaning up after them & getting up with them. Well, we blew a fuse!!! Both had a go at our respective dhs who were in bits after being out the night before & we headed out ourselves for a meal & left them to it.

From then on for all holidays when our 3 kids small we took turns for lie ins & cooking & organising meals to ensure both get a bit of a break on holiday. That was 17 years ago but we still talk about how we totally lost the plot with them on that first one!!!

Sometimes they just need to be told!!!

Parsleysalad · 08/07/2025 17:17

I dont like sulky men but I would try and find a better atmosphere as I would want the holiday salvaged.

HAB75 · 08/07/2025 17:20

alexalisten · 08/07/2025 16:37

I would of been tempted to take the 7 year old inside without telling him see how long until he notices and to scare the shit out of him of how dangerous it is. But im petty as shit so probably don't do that

Don't worry, you're not alone - that was my thought too. And I'd have acted the dumb f&%k afterwards, rather than pointed out his mistake. Other people stew in their own juices at a lot higher temperature than when you try to apply the heat. I'd have just let him learn from that sheer effing panic.

Spudulica17 · 08/07/2025 17:21

If you genuinely are considering leaving him I’d start documenting incidents like this in detail in diary form.

You might need to refer to them in the future if you split up and go through court.

whynotmereally · 08/07/2025 17:23

I think you need to be clear he has crossed a major line and you will be thinking about what you want going forward and you suggest he does the same.

Hodgemollar · 08/07/2025 17:24

He’s always had a bit of a “hands off” approach to parenting

What a surprise.

Teado · 08/07/2025 17:25

No remorse from him! He genuinely doesn’t seem to realise that he could’ve returned from the bar to find his daughter floating face down.

We all make bad decisions sometimes but we learn from them. This was a very, very bad decision and he has learnt nothing.

TheHouseElf · 08/07/2025 17:27

He left your 7 year old DD on her own, by the swimming pool, to go off to watch a stupid game of football. Rather than apologise and admit he'd done a really dumb and dangerous thing he doubled-down and defended the indefensible, then pissed off to get drunk, leaving you with 3 kids to manage.

He's now made it so they you cannot trust him to look after your children, so he'll be more 'hands off' than ever, won't he, and you'll be carrying that load.

You might as well be without him for all the use he is.

DBD1975 · 08/07/2025 17:28

Men get away with what they can get away with.
My DH Leaving my DD unattended at a swimming pool would be a relationship defining moment for me. It is no good getting angry (although I would be incandescent) you need to sit down and discuss this calmly and rationally. If your DH does not see the error of his ways then perhaps some serious counselling is needed when you get home.
Sadly it sounds like your DH does not want to be a parent, only you know if you are prepared to accept his attitude towards parenting. Any man who didn't consider the safety of his children paramount is not worthy of being a parent in my view.
OP what you accept will continue so you have to make your DH aware he has crossed a line.

Gemmawemma9 · 08/07/2025 17:31

Hankunamatata · 08/07/2025 16:59

Yanbu. We did one foreign holiday when kids were little as we discovered it wasnt worth the chnage of routines or stress. On no planet would dh disappeared drinking. Tbh neither of us drank much as kids still had us up at 6 or 7am

See this is a real shame. We did a foreign holiday every year and it was always just brilliant. The kids loved being outside all day, enjoyed the pool, loved the beach, we had a gorgeous time. But the parenting was shared 50/50, I never felt like I was doing it alone or that my husband couldn’t be trusted with the kids.

ChaToilLeam · 08/07/2025 17:34

There's being a bit lazy and useless, and there's being so fucking selfish and feckless that you endanger your child. Anything could have happened while he fucked off to the bar.